Will you love me?

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Hi.

I’ve written a previous post on the negative impact my idealism has when searching for love. If you’re the slightest bit interested, it’s here: https://dreamerrambling.wordpress.com/2013/11/12/he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not/

Okay. Now back to what I wanted to talk about. I have this terrifying fear that I will be, in the words of the hackneyed internet catchphrase, ‘forever alone’. Now, I have tried to rationalize why I shouldn’t fear this with my INFP logic. I came up with a nice little list.

1. Why should my happiness depend on finding the right man. I should be happy with myself and my own life. I should become my own person, figure out my identity and personality and get started on my career and bringing in an income before I even start lamenting about my relationship issues. Hell, I should be concentrating on reading more, writing more and getting a cat. Make that plural, cats. Love them.

2. The idea of true love makes me gag. I scorn it. I disdain it. It’s a fantasy fabricated by Hollywood movies. But deep down, am I belittling the concept out of fear that I will never experience it in my life? Could I be denying its existence in order to soften the disappointment if I don’t ever fall in love? After all, I cried a river at the end of movies like Amelie and Shop Around The Corner (more on my favorite movies and why in the future).

3. My idealism is a huge barrier. I’m too picky. Too fussy. My expectations are too high. How could I ever choose a man? And then there is that little voice in my head who tells me that I’m not good enough for the men I, on the rare chance, are attracted to.

4. There is nothing wrong with being a bachelorette.
Why is it okay for fifty year old men to not marry but when middle aged women are still not married they are considered the ‘leftovers’? I get it. They are no longer youthful and fresh sylphs. But still. Why the double standards? I rebel against such gender conformity.

5. Not good enough.
Not good enough, no one wants you, not good enough, not pretty enough, not sexually appealing enough, not charismatic enough, too introverted, too shy, loves surreal art too much, is too attracted to the weird, strange and eccentric, too much of a nonconformist, overthinks everything too much…

Number 5 is the crux of the problem. And I don’t believe it is just me. I know in my heart that there are young women all over the world who are highly critical when judging themselves like me and don’t think they deserve to be loved. Being an introvert, Highly Sensitive and an INFP doesn’t help at all.

Anyway. All I wanted to say is, I am always at cross purposes with myself when it comes to love. First of all, I just have this immense sadness within me, that no one will ever love me for who I am because I am simply not good enough. I look around and I see wonderful qualities in other women that men would find attractive and I feel depressed because I seem to pale in comparison.

Then I have this intense desire because of my idealism to find my soul mate. I have never admitted this to anyone in real life (in real life, I am known as the relationship cynic. But you know what they say. Scratch the surface of a cynic and underneath you will find an idealist).

I am desperate for someone to understand me. Not trying to be melodramatic but tears are springing to my eyes as I am typing this. After being shunned so much throughout my life, just once I would like someone to just get me and where I am coming from and look into my eyes and tell me that I am special in my own way even if society says I’m not good enough and love me and hug me. It’s pathetic I know.

I abhor that side of me because I think it is so pathetic. And thus I am also tough and cynical of love in order to never let myself get hurt. It’s my armor.

Then some part of me whispers that no matter how hard I try, I can only get so close to another human being. This existential loneliness, the idea that people are completely alone in their own minds and with their own lives no matter how many loved ones surround them, makes me feel that even if I attain love, it won’t be completely fulfilling.

But I’m not going to lose hope. Because, my friends, I’m idealistic and hope is the bread and butter of idealists. I’m going to wait. I am going to wait for him. And damn it I won’t cry if he doesn’t come or if when he does he isn’t as good as I hoped him to be. The former because I will be spending my time and energy on my career and reading and writing. The latter because I know there aren’t any perfect human beings in the world. I also won’t cry if existential loneliness hits me when I date or marry or whatever because it is part of the human experience and inevitable.

Most of all, I’m no longer going to be ashamed of this part of me. Hi. I am a human being with real responsibilities. I should be starting to act like one. I should be working hard at school, thinking about my career. I should be facing reality. I should get my head of those damn clouds.

But I still believe in true love.

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28 thoughts on “Will you love me?

  1. I get you.
    I’m the same.
    I tell everyone i’m going to be a bachelor for life. I tell them how I’m so annoyed with women that i’d never marry one. My life is set as is, why should I have someone come in and ruin it with their drama/burdens/responsibilities is what I tell them. Its partially true but in all honesty, I want to care that much about a person where all their bullshit is worth it. I think (well know) I only say it as a defense mechanism because I too feel like i’ll be forever alone. I tell myself i’m ok/happy with it but (dont tell anyone) I know i’m just lying to myself.

    May I ask how old you are?
    And PS: I apologize for my previous comment. I was pretty flippin drunk. I’m a little embarrassed to even go back and read what I wrote. Had I actually read the entire thing, i’m sure your post was/is insightful as always.

      • So I can tell you, oh no you’re too young to be worrying about that stuff? haha I dont know, just wondering.

        What are you doing up so late (or early) anyway. Wait, I suppose you can be 8am depending on where you live so nevermind.

  2. #5 definitely resonates with me loud and clear. And like you, I too harbor a cynicism and idealism about love. True love is such a complicated concept to define for one self and I think you touched on great points about what we want and what we think we deserve.

    • Thank you πŸ™‚ Yes, human beings are incredibly complex and love is just another facet of that. I don’t know if I will ever completely resolve the paradox of being both an idealist and cynic and being in balance with my external and internal self. But I will try.

  3. Wow – beautifully written and heatfelt. I think I felt the same when I was in my early twenties. Now, mid thirties and married I wish I had known then what I know now. To expect a perfect man you must be pretty perfect yourself. So don’t feel inferior, feel superior – if none of the guys are good enough for you then you are obviously a darn good catch. Don’t settle for less than what you are worth. And DO NOT settle for the first thing that comes along. WAIT for perfect. Or as near to perfect as possible. Otherwise, I promise you, you will be by far happier single. Afterall, cats are awesome.

    • Aw, thank you. I love your viewpoint. All my life, I’ve always felt inferior, which sounds sad, but it’s the truth. Wait for perfect? Haha, as an idealist, that will be easy-peasy. And yes, cats are the most wonderfully introverted creatures in the world πŸ™‚

  4. As an INFP you’re a dreamer who needs to believe that dreams really do come true.
    They do.

    When you least expect it. At the time you will find it hard to believe it’s true. And that’s part of what makes it so good. Patience.

    – fellow INFP in solidarity (not solitary).

    • Thank you for commenting πŸ™‚ And thanks for your lovely, uplifting words. So good to meet another INFP! I know I’ve mentioned it a lot on this blog, but I feel so lonely sometimes, like this alien creature among society. Fingers crossed πŸ™‚

  5. One last message of hope (sorry, can’t resist, idealist!). It’s not really about what you want. It’s about what you need, and you end up wanting what you need. As a human, you naturally adapt once you know what it is that you need (may take a while) and you naturally change by forming habits (consciously and unconsciously) that end up changing you into the sort of person that attracts what you need. Faith.

  6. Try this:
    1) Make a list– a list of attributes you really want in another person. No holds barred. Make it raw, unflinching, and unkind if you must; let that oh-so-accessible emotional core spill out in a very big mess all over the page.
    2) Start carrying that list with you everywhere you go, because…
    3) Your new goal is to Be That Person.
    3) Pick yourself up off the floor when your soul mate walks into your life quite unexpectedly, and in a much shorter time than you imagined.

    • I’ve never thought about it that way before. Yes, the more I think about it, that’s an excellent way to self-improve yourself and attract a potential partner. Fix your own flaws before denouncing the flaws of others. Become a person you would like to date. πŸ™‚

  7. Be you. The right man will love you for that. Sounds simplistic but it worked for me. I had given up on love when I found my wife.

  8. I wish I could actually meet another person that shares your point of view as you share mine, if only, if only…

    • πŸ˜€ A dinosaur. That’s hilarious. No, you’re not a dinosaur. Actually, it depends on whether you’re referring to the actual creature or fossilized remains. I’m sure the dinosaurs were blood-thirsty, violent and vibrant creatures until they took their last breath. You know. Nibbling at a carcass, and suddenly the world went white, and they were gone. I forget what I was talking about. Um. Dinosaurs are cool. And I can’t wait to be a dinosaur, and I’m also scared of being a dinosaur, because I’m not even very good at being a dinosaur baby yet.

  9. Everything you have said, in this post and others, I can relate to so well. It’s like i am reading my thoughts in a much beautiful and coherently written way. I have felt and still feel everything you are writing about it here, it even brought a tear to my eyes reading it. I don’t understand people. And I don’t understand the world. But you are one person I can understand. It’s just so nice to know I’m not the only person out there who has thoughts about these kind of things everyday. The whole idea of not being good enough and being nice to everyone without getting anything in return and the feeling that there is always someone better that you ring true in my ears. Carry on the great work, it’s people like you that make me realise there is still some form of good in the world. (sorry if that got a bit cheesy and sentimental haha)

    • No, not at all, I adore cheesy and sentimental. πŸ˜› Thank you so much for this beautiful, heartfelt comment. Thank you for existing, and reaching out, and making me feel less alone by doing that. We’re nice people, we really are, and we deserve to love ourselves.
      We can be strong.
      We can.

  10. I understand you perfectly.

    I too am a dreamy idealist and I struggle so hard finding the right one who understands me. Who understands all my weirdness, my need for deep connections, the fact that I spend much of my time deciphering the meaning to life and existence.

    But what I learnt recently is how important it is for us dreamers to discover that the illusions in our minds do cause us a significant amount of suffering.
    Thanks for your posts. Very very happy to find someone I can relate to on so many levels. Hope we get a chance to meet in real life, if only destiny permits…

    • It is unspeakably lovely to be understood. That’s all anyone wants, really. Thank you for reading, and existing. Perhaps, my friend, perhaps! I believe in a kind of destiny. It may only be silly hoping, but I do believe, nonetheless.

  11. Oh yes, we are all alone in this world. Clumps of gross mush walking around in grosser vessels of blood and guts and half-digested breakfast food.

    And yet, we search, we dream. We know it’s pointless and we know we’ll never feel satisfied with anything we get, but we move along in search of something because we must, because it’s simply who we are.

    You know what they say about the destination not being what matters, it’s the journey. But I think that’s wrong, too. It’s not the journey that matters, it’s the stops along the way. The unexpected turns of fate. It’s a hundred circumstances that fold into single moments that you only realize were perfect once they’re already gone. It’s how life grabs you and shakes you and tells you that you’re a part of something indefinite and beautiful, and how dare you feel alone? We are all connected, and not by our actions, not by our words, sentiments or anything you can see or touch. It’s something irrational, unmeasurable and it doesn’t even fit into words. Hell, it doesn’t even fit into a lucid thought. But it’s what we are, it is immutable, and it moves us along on our bad days as much as our good. There’s no message here. I’m not trying to make anyone feel more or less alone. In a sense, I’m really proving how alone I am, because there’s nothing I can fit into this comment that will finally satisfy the yearning for something more, and there is nothing life can offer me that will, either. I don’t have a choice. I’ll keep going forward, and I’ll cherish those perfect moments that have been and are still to come. I will love this life and this reality for everything it is, because that is what there is for me to do.

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