To All The Sensitive Males Out There

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You are sensitive.

Never view that as an insult.

It’s not. The only reason you might see it as an insult is if you have swallowed the image of the ideal male that society has fed you.

I realize that it is harder for males to be sensitive in our society. We have these paradigms of masculinity which are enforced upon boys at a young age. And everywhere you go, these enforced stereotypes slam into your face, whether you are with your family, watching the news, hanging out with friends. They’re all the same. They’re all about being tough. Don’t cry. Be a man. Be strong. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t show your emotions. Be stolid, stoic, a warrior. Laugh. Have fun. Stop caring so much. Stop feeling so much. Sure, you can be upset now and then, but for heaven’s sake don’t be weepy.

That’s complete and utter bullshit.

Look. I know one little blog post isn’t enough to iron away all the ridges of social conditioning patterned on your psyche. You have probably hated yourself and been depressed because you don’t live up to societal standards of masculinity. I am a sensitive female and I have hated myself and been depressed because I don’t live up to societal standards of the ideal human: extroverted, happy and thick-skinned. And you having the whole masculinity thing thrown upon you as well  – that’s a lot for anybody to have on his plate.

But I’m going to try. Because I care about you. I know I’m just an anonymous human being on the internet but being the emotional and sensitive little soul I am, my heart breaks when I receive comments or see posts on the internet written by sensitive males lamenting their lot in life.  

The main thing I want to get into your head is this: to hell with what society dictates is masculine or feminine. I know that’s easier said than done, as most things in life are, but you’ve got to realize that those rules or regulations don’t apply to you. You are not just having a hard time following the rules. You are following the rules in the wrong game. Step out of the boxing ring. Dust your hands. Just, step away. Cut yourself off from these poisonous expectations. They are not for you. Doing so doesn’t make you less of, not a man, but a worthy human being.

Cut off the friends who don’t accept your sensitivity and who hoot or jeer when you are simply expressing who you are. You don’t need them. Every time a friend rejects you, whether for voicing a thought that is too sensitive or doing something that isn’t ‘masculine’, they are drilling into your head that who are you are is not good enough. That is a disgusting way to treat another human being. You are good enough, in more ways than you can imagine.

Cutting off family members is harder. You mostly likely have a not-so-sensitive family member who wants you to toughen up and ‘be a man’. Gosh, just writing that odious phrase makes the bile rise in my throat. That is wrong. Realise this. They are not right for trying to mold you into what they think being a male member of our species should be. But don’t judge them. They have swallowed and digested society’s paradigms, especially if they have been around on Earth longer than you. So here’s what you do. Whatever they say to you, don’t take any notice of it. Don’t internalize it. Don’t hate yourself. Don’t feel like you are inadequate or not living up to expectations. Don’t feel like you are weak or useless, because you are not. Try to ask them to stop but if they continue with their behavior, just let the words wash off of you. Imagine the words are droplets of water and you are wearing an emotional macintosh. They can’t affect you. You have to accept yourself, which I am going to talk about further on, but just don’t take in the words. Zone out. Play along, act, pretend. Sometimes, you have to give people what they want for a little while to make them leave you alone and let you live your life freely. Next, and this is very important, find a haven/s – your bedroom, your garden, a group of caring friends, other sensitive males and females. Let the expression of your soul flourish in these havens. This is where you will grow. Society will try to stunt you with its pesticides, thinking you are a weed, but you will find your own corner of soil and flourish into a thing of beauty.

Yes, that’s right, beauty. Because being a sensitive male is not a curse. It is a gift. Clichéd as hell, but it’s true. Sure, you may not be able to reel in the ladies at the bar as well as the other boisterous lads, but those females who are attracted to those kinds of males are probably not going to be compatible with you. Do you realize how many sensitive females there are out there who are just wishing their paths will one day cross with a sensitive male like you? Trust me. I am a sensitive female. I know.

There is a special spark inside of you. You know it. You are know you are unique. You know you are different. You know you experience life more fully, see the world more vividly, feel the ups and downs more strongly.

If you accept and love your sensitivity, if you disregard the voices that try to put you down and stroll down your own path being your own self, you will live and experience life with a exalted jubilance that so many people in life never achieve. You will attain this joy because of your sensitivity. You have already experienced snippets of this joy. Staring at the beauty of a flower and feeling your heart ache with the wonder and magnificence of it. Creating a piece of art which makes you feel like you are riding a chariot flanked by seraphs into the heavens. Sure, you might feel the pain and disappointments more keenly. But, if you truly think about it, would you give up those shining moments of joy in return for less sorrow? Even in sadness, even in grief, even in suffering, there is beauty, because to feel, to experience, makes you feel alive, as if the universe were expressing itself through your body in surge of cosmic power.

Now, how do you accept yourself, you may ask?

Because none of the above things will work if you don’t accept your own sensitivity.

What I am about to write is something you HAVE to understand. Sear it into your mind. Stick it somewhere in your room where you can see it everyday and remind yourself.

It is this.

Gender may be fixed but the expressions of our gender are fluid. A woman can be stoic and strong. A man can be sensitive and nurturing. Or it can be the other way around. Your behavior, your interests, your desires, are not dictated by the gender you were dished out with at birth. Your gender has no bearing on who you are or should be.

We are all human beings. And human beings cry. You are allowed to cry. Human beings feel and show pain. You are allowed to show and feel pain. Being sensitive isn’t a weakness.  Being sensitive just means you are a human being, a living, breathing, intelligent and conscious creature, who just so happens to have a more sensitive nervous system and psyche than other people. These views of society’s which have poisoned your views of yourself are constructs. They are built, manufactured. They are not real. Sometimes, if we get enough people believing something is real, then everyone starts to believe it is real. But that doesn’t mean it was real in the first place.

As a sensitive human being who cares, sometimes too much, I just want to say that I love you. I love you because you are a human being. I love you because you are an expression of this universe. I love you because you and I and everyone else, we’re all in this together.

So, please, love yourself.  

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21 thoughts on “To All The Sensitive Males Out There

  1. Thank you so much for writing this. I agree with nearly all of it. You have very eloquently stated a lot of true things. A lot of it reads like a page from my life. I have always been the nice guy and the sensitive guy which has been a challenge. Thankfully my wife accepts me as I am. (though she is not nearly as introverted as I am). Finding someone who understood me has made all the difference in the world. I do accept myself as I am for the most part. I used to struggle with it much more. I do have trouble when I am around very macho type men. Though I tend not to have friends like that too often.

    I still get a lot of be more thick skinned and dont take it personally stuff. I often have been told my weakness is I care too much. That is not weakness. Most of the people I know now dont challenge me with the masculinity thing but I do feel pressured to bottle up emotions more as a male. I have been known to get weepy for no good reason and it sometimes freaks people out. For the most part I am easily hurt by others when I shouldnt be and people think that is weird.

    I agree that being caring and sensitive is neither a masculine or feminine trait. In fact much of what is defined as gender stereotyping is just learned or socially conditioned. I have always had more female friends then most guys. Though now I have a good equal amount. I used to find that women were easier to be more free to express emotions with. That is how it started with my wife and I and then we fell in love.

    I do not know you, but reading your post I feel like I do. We are kindred spirits for sure and I am glad I found your blog. I know your posting wasn’t just written to me but it sure felt like it was.

    I wish you all the best. Never ever ever give up your idealism and sensitivity. Be who you are. From what I see, you are a beautiful person and very very empathetic.

    • Thank you for your beautiful comment. You seem like a beautiful person as well. I hope you never let your sensitivity get in the way of your life or happiness. I hope this doesn’t sound too pretentious, but when I think of the suffering souls in this world, such as sensitive males, my heart aches and I want to cry. Ugh. I know it sounds so maudlin, but it’s true. I hope you live a wonderful life.

  2. I used to blog a lot but stopped a while back when I felt like nobody was out there anymore, Blogging is a great outlet

  3. Hello!

    I actually don’t know what I’m doing. I have this overwhelming urge to comment, though I’m not exactly sure what to say.

    I guess to start off, I want to say Thank You. Thank you sooo much.

    I’m a sensitive guy. I got INFP on the Myers-Briggs and on Enneagram I got Type 4 with a 5 wing. And I can’t even express how deeply your article spoke to me, I started tearing up and everything. I honestly can’t even remember how I stumbled upon your blog, but I’m so glad I did. I’m pretty sure it was when I was in that sporadic scholar-mode researching INFP stuff and found one of your articles, about you being an alien. I definitely connected with that, so I decided to come back today and yet again I feel like you somehow read my mind and my feelings and spoke to me as an individual, even though we don’t know each other in person.

    I’m definitely going to be reading a lot more of your articles, and I also want to say how big of a deal it is that I’m even commenting. I have a number of accounts on your typical internet sites, and I usually read a lot of comments on videos or posts of whatever, and yet, I hardly ever comment myself. I think I’ve commented like twice in the past few years or something. I often feel the inclination to put in my 2 cents, then I feel like no one is going to care or I’m gonna get trolled, so I hardly ever end up actually doing it. But I know that’s not how it is here, so I thank you for having the courage and the drive to put yourself out here to sail on the treacherous seas that we know as the internet.

    And I also want to say how significant it is that you made this exact post. Sensitive males are so very unappreciated in our society. I’ve resorted to all sorts of ways to try and be more “manly”. Like I used to work out so much, to try and be all big and muscly, and I even tried doing like my own MMA training and what not, but fighting wasn’t for me. With that being said, working out for optimal health can be very beneficial to our bodies and minds and life and in turn we can feel good about the way we look, it’s definitely something that I want to participate in again, but when I used to do it before, it was for more shallow reasons, like getting big muscles so I wouldn’t appear like the wimp that I feel like on the inside.

    I thank you so much, and I want to reciprocate what you expressed in your post by saying I love you too. Of course, I can’t truly say that I understand exactly how you feel in your life, because I’d have to have been in your shoes throughout your whole life to be able to say that. But I can say I understand how this sensitive temperament can deeply affect ones life, and I already feel like we can relate on this so very much. I always try to tell myself “I’m not the only one” but seeing that I’m not on this blog with your articles and even the comments other people leave, it’s very inspiring. I can’t emphasize how thankful I am. I’ll probably be leaving more comments, when the time is right.

    Until then, I wish you as much peace and serenity as is currently possible in this chaotic existence we know as reality. Much thanks and love ❤

    • Okay. Okay. I’m going to be an emotional wreck by the time I’ve finished reading these beautiful, beautiful comments. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know how to reply to something so wonderful and heartfelt. I don’t think I could do you justice.
      First off, thank you so much for reaching out and commenting. I completely understand how big of a deal it is, because I myself hardly comment unless something truly resonates with me and my heart will explode if I don’t respond to it. So, I am honoured that you decided to comment.
      I’m also glad that this post helped you. All I want to do is help. I hope this doesn’t sound pretentious, but everything I write comes from the heart because it hurts me to think of suffering introverts, dreamers, HSPs, INFPs and other dreamers/writers in the world. It’s inspiring for me too, to hear from you, and others like you. I used to feel like I was alone in my suffering, but after starting this blog, my heart has never been fuller, and even the dark days, though still pretty gloomy, are a teensy bit lighter. I’m an Enneagram 4 with a 5 wing as well!!! That brings with itself a whole different set of problems. I honestly don’t know what else to say, except that you’re wonderful the way you are. I think if you truly want to find someone who will appreciate you, as a sensitive male, you should try find other HSPs, rare as they may be. I wish someone like you existed in my life, because I have no HSP friends, or INFPs. I wish you happiness and peace as well, and I hope you look at the sunset often (sorry if that’s random), because the beautify of nature always tends to have a grounding effect and help my chaotic thoughts settle at the bottom of the basin of my thoughts, like dregs. Thank you, once again, and here’s a hug. *hugs* I’m sorry, it’s kind of hard not act awkward, even through text.

  4. I’m also a highly sensitive man, and I want to thank you for your lovely article, it definitely resonated with me :).

    You seem like a sweet soul! I am having a very difficult time right now, handling my sensitivity and meeting women who are sympathetic and view it as an asset, rather than being wimpy. It’s also affected my daily interactions and my job situation. My sensitivity is so bad that sometimes I even wish I were lesbian, just so I can express my emotions to people and meet women more readily. :/

    Being an INFP HSP male has been a real challenge to say the least. Plus, I have a sleeping disorder on top of it, to make things worse. So my life has been really hard….but it is amazing to find warm hearted and caring people like yourself who care! Thank you so much.

    • You’re very, very welcome. Thank you so much for reading. I’m so sorry for replying sooner – somehow your comment slipped through my fingers! I wish you all the best, and I want you to know that there are thousands who know what it is like to suffer the way you do, and are suffering along with you right this moment. You are a wonderful, wonderful human being, and I love you for that.

  5. From this INFJ HSP. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Your words resonate with me strongly and are a reflection of your beautiful soul I’m sure. I’m a little late to the party it seems, but I’m blessed to have come across your blog. Better late than never. 🙂

    • I’m so, so, so happy that my writing helped you, in any way. I hope you realize you are fine the way you are, you are wonderful, and that I’m touched by your words too. You are a beautiful soul, too. ❤

  6. Hi,
    I really liked your piece of writing, because anything that empathizes sensitivity as good I like 😉

    I am now 21 and I’ve already learned to appreciate my sensitiveness, mainly I have to thank my parents for that because they weren’t conventional and although my relationship is somewhat troubled with them now, I am thankful for that.
    Because as I see it, emotions are one of the view things that makes us different than robots. I’ve learned to be strong, but not by being not-sensitive. Just by claiming my right to be sensitive. And that hasn’t always been easy, especially not during high-school. But I find it more and more rewarding, because the more interesting people are the people you attract when being sensitive.
    In the dark days of my life crying was the major thing that gave me relief. I’ve learned how to deal with suffering and that’s what made me strong in the end. I know which opinions are important.
    People that want you to be not sensitive I understand them. They are just afraid. Afraid of what they might feel when they give space to it. Afraid that by being sensitive you will get more help from others than they get. It’s a survival instinct of some sort I suppose.

    The main thing is, value yourself. And it’s not only by accepting that society has a lot of views that are wrong, but that you have the key to what you find important and good. And I strongly believe sensitivity is good and that makes me strong. Because I feel I am right and able to express that viewpoint to others.

    There might be some times I also have still some trouble with it, but it won’t affect how I think about myself and that’s comforting and makes me feel warm 🙂

    I love you too <3, random person at the other end of this internet-connection 😉

    • I adore internet connections. Sometimes, they feel more real than flesh-and-blood ones, probably because it’s sometimes hard to find people you truly relate to in your everyday life. Thank you for your kind words, and your wisdom. I’m so glad you liked what I written. It makes writing worth it. I hope you live a fulfilled life, working on your strengths rather than focusing on weaknesses. ❤

  7. Pingback: To All The Sensitive Males Out There | Dreaming. Living. Loving. | MAKE BPD STIGMA-FREE!

    • You are very welcome, I’m so, so glad I helped you in any way, if only to soothe a ragged heart. I hope you realize you are just damn fine the way you are. You’re wonderful. I love sensitive people. Live for yourself, and to hell with what others think of you. You live your life, as best as you can, and let them live theirs. ❤

  8. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT! My wife understands me and loves me like a rockstar. The only thing she clings to much to me and won;t let me clear which makes me very ill. Going to counseling for it but very very sweet! I am into business for myself and I love bonding with business partners and customers but still have to set boundaries not to get wrapped up in their feelings. I am choosing happiness and not giving excuses! C.H.A.N.G.E.

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