I Don’t Want What Other People Want

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I just spent the last few minutes repeatedly banging my head against the wall.

Well, not banging exactly, because that would have given me concussion. More like knocking gently, enough to convey to my family members that I was in the throes of despair.

You can probably guess what I’m despairing about based on the title of this post.

Warning: This is going to a mostly stream-of-conscious, blubbering, blathering rant that may or may not make any sense. Proceed with discretion.

Note: I would love for some comments, pretty please, anyone who can understand, even a little bit, just, out of the kindness of your heart, from one fellow human being to another, so I can just stop feeling so strange and crazy. This is my version of tragically hollering into the abyss of the cyber net in the hopes of receiving an echo back.  

I don’t want what other people want. I REALLY, really, really don’t. You can’t imagine how much I don’t. And it’s REALLY, really, really isolating.

1. I don’t care about money.

I literally have zilch care for money. As long as I am not starving and out on the streets, I’m fine. My most treasured possessions are my books, laptop and phone. I don’t care about anything else. As long as I can have a teensy weensy room that is relatively clean for myself, an internet connection, a source of relatively nutritious food and clean water, I’m happy. I don’t want an apartment. I don’t want a house. I don’t care for fancy clothes, I can still write in rags. I don’t care about cars. I don’t care about makeup or jewelry. I don’t care about ‘financial security’. I don’t care about eating out at restaurants. I don’t care about having fun at parties, going to the movies or even going on holidays. Sure, I don’t want to be homeless. But between slaving away at a 9-5 job I despise and being homeless yet having the time to write and do the things I want, I would choose the latter.  *takes a deep breath* Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE LUXURIES OF LIFE.The only reason I’m not leaving society and going to live in the wildness is due to my dependency on the internet and fear of wild animals. Also, I’m get cold really easily and a sleeping bag in a tent might be okay for the summers but not so great for the icy winter nights.

2. I don’t care about conventional success. 

I DON’T CARE ABOUT GOOD GRADES OR PRESTIGIOUS JOBS. I don’t! Society, just, please, yes, I’m looking at you, just please, stop cramming down my throat that I am only intelligent if I have excellent grades and go to a prestigious school and get a nice, cushy job that will get me a nice cushy retirement nest and let me live a nice, cushy, safe life. Bloody hell. Personally, I don’t think I am a stupid person. You may beg to differ of course. I may not be a prodigy or some otherworldly genius, but I can THINK, and quite well. Yet, all throughout my time in the education system, I was told I was stupid and lazy, a daydreaming IDIOT, simply because I didn’t get the excellent grades because I found what we learnt to be POINTLESS and spent most of my time writing. I would rather chase my own literary dreams, spend time with nature, live in my own imagination and toy with philosophical thoughts. Sure, you may you say you need to compromise to make a living. Do know how much time a job sucks away from your life and happiness?  Call me lazy, retarded, an utter cretin, I don’t care  – I would rather be homeless than get a job I despise. All I want to do is write and read and learn. It makes me happy and keep on living.  And maybe, after years of grueling work, scribbling down my imaginings, I’ll get published. Maybe I won’t. But I’ve only got this one life and I want to give it all I’ve got, damn it. I really think I have something, some spark, call it what you will, talent, intuition ( though I doubt my writing capabilities to the point of depression), I truly think I can make it. But I can’t make it if I sell my soul to society’s version of success.

3. I don’t want to get married and have kids and live the disgustingly boring suburban life.

I’m actually crying right now with frustration. Real tears, man. It feels like I’m the only one who feels this way, like I’m the only one sees the ghosts that wisp and waver beneath the thin film of the reality of our world. I don’t want to get married. Marriage is a social construct. A shiny rock and splashy ceremony isn’t needed to prove the love between two people. You promise each other with your actions and words, not showy stuff money can buy. I would only marry someone if they shared my views on existence. You may think that’s narrow minded of me, but it’s true. And, about the kids. I love kids. I think they are beautiful angels. I would love to have a kid of my own. But I don’t want to have a kid and lapse into the normal kind of life, where I am either a stay-at-home mum or juggling work with kids and then the relationship between my husband and I stagnates and one day I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding in the  dark, and realize I want a divorce and I’m not happy, I’m not happy, that I’ve wasted my life, the tears streaming down my face.

4. I don’t want a life of comfort.

That might sound a bit strange. But I’ve found that most people like to be comfortable. They work hard their whole lives just to get comfortable. To feel secure. To feel safe. Then they blow their time on usual past times like television and other pleasurable activities. I don’t want comfort at all. I want to feel like I am alive every single moment of the day. I want to strive towards achieving my literary dreams. I don’t want stagnation. When I was in school, the other kids dutifully memorized what was needed for the exams, while I asked questions beyond what was being taught and was actually criticized for wasting class time. Everyone’s too comfortable. Everyone wants comfort too much. What’s so great about comfort? Maybe I’m missing something.

Just. JUST. I want to leave society. No, some parts of society are good, like the internet and libraries. I want to buy a single room somewhere and camp out there for the rest of my life. I want to go to some isolated community in the middle of nowhere and live there, writing. I want my time to be my own, to be spent on things I want to do. Yes, it’s sort of like financial freedom, but financial freedom needs some imprisonment to attain.

I feel so trapped. I feel so strange. When I tell people I don’t care about these things, they look at me condescendingly and with pity, like I’m a stupid angel that recently lost its wings and hasn’t adapted to the reality of my winglessness. My mum thinks I’m mad. I feel crazy. Am I crazy? I don’t know. I must be, if I’d rather choose homeless over the usual lifestyle.  

I want to be free. I want to live. I want to write to my heart’s content. I want to be able to stroll in the woods in the middle of the day, be around nature. I want to be able to lie in the grass and look up into the night sky and just revel in the beauty of this existence. I want to find someone who understands me, ME, wholeheartedly, because I’ve never met anyone in real life who understands me, not even the slightest, and that makes me curl up and cry at night from loneliness. I’m surrounded by people but I’m lonely.

I don’t want what other people want. So where does that leave me?

 

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14 thoughts on “I Don’t Want What Other People Want

  1. You might not want what MOST people want, but that is not to say everyone. Remember, as a HSP, you are already at odds with the world. Your uniqueness is causing you pain, because all of us, even if it is just on some basic level, wants to be like everyone else. You may well change your mind on some points; maybe you won’t. But, whatever, you have every right to be YOU. I am also not married – I don’t see how I can commit further than I already have (with two kids). I don’t like the pomp and ceremony, and all the falsities that go with it. Anyway, my point was to say that it is okay to be you; it will be frustrating and hard, because most people will never get you. But, if you are aware of that, it makes it easier (for me, anyway).

    • Sorry! You’re completely write. My wording was poor. I suppose in writing ‘other’, I was talking about the non-dreamers of society. Most would have been a more apt word to use. You’re right. Thank you. Being different is just the way I am and will always be. Being aware of that will help tremendously.

  2. I think it’s fine to want an unconventional life. I think you’re deep and simply see beyond common structures. Just don’t expect people to understand. They really don’t need to! Do what you want!!

    • Thank you. You’re right. You are all little pockets of wisdom. I still need to work on not trying to gain my self worth from the approval of others and having more courage in regards to my own visions and desires.

  3. I related to the vast majority of what you posted and I definitely have had my own inner struggles with feeling like there was something wrong with me for wanting different things than everyone else. But there’s nothing wrong with you. And I hope this doesn’t come off as insensitive, but everything I’m reading actually seems pretty normal for INFPs (have you ever taken Myers Briggs?) There are actually a lot more people than you think that have these SAME EXACT THOUGHTS (or similar ones, anyway). And I know that I personally become so soothed or comforted anytime I read anything relating to MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator) because it helps me to know that I’m not a big weirdo missing some essential human quality; I’m a person who, yes, is unique but is also not alone. There are others — many others — who feel the same way.

    Something that’s helped me over the past few years is just accepting myself and not judging my desires as wrong. Your desires are unique but not bad or wrong! And once we stop struggling against who we truly are, not only do we love life more but we SHINE.

    There’s a reason why you only want to write and grow and learn. Those are STRENGTHS! They give you the ability to be able to do things and focus on things that other people overlook. But it’s those very things that help you to inspire and push and raise the bar for other people. You’re an idealist and the world needs those so much! So embrace it and love it because it just means you’re awesome! 🙂

    • Thank you. Yes, I think it may be an INFP thing. I’ve taken the test and I am an INFP. We’re the weird, dreamy ones. I will try to embrace who I am, though I feel crushed by the world sometimes. 🙂

  4. To go down a hidden or not obvious path seems like it is unorthodox or crazy. But it’s only the case becauss the world ingrains it within you by feeding you that this is the right ppath to take. Because the world needs waiters and stire clerks, teachers and lawyers, doctors and managers. The world needs them all to grow and live on, and because this is the case, it, like a living thing, feeds off of human beings. But for every 99 people that contribute, 1 will go off the path and live their dreams out – be free from being sold off into slavery for the world. And that 1 can be you, it can be me.And it should be you, it should be me. Left and right events in your life scream to you that you are not going in the right direction because it is programmed within you to act and react as such. But once you learn to embrace it, see the holes that most other people fall into, and accept that you are not succumbing to those pitfalls, then you will finally be content. And success will find you with ease because you’ll find your niche within the world. As you do what you wish to do, you will find a way that facilitates or teaches the lives of others. And soon you’ll sell that skill and as you become advanced, you will have followers and students as well. Success will cone toyou naturally – you have to right now only be cognizant of the truth that you are one of the lucky few who bypasses the ‘sold into slavery’ path and is able to experiwnce the bliss of being able to evince and take and feel from the world (appreciation, knowledge, bliss, happiness, an understanding of what true happiness is and how to get there) rather than only give yourself to the world and not even know it.
    Hope you’re doing well. Never forget how rare you were built, and live in happiness by not giving into the pressures of culture/society/expectation – just laugh abd feel the gratitude that they don’t apply to you.

    • Hello again! Thank you. So much. I wish I could formulate a worthy enough reply, but I feel incapable at the moment. I hope one day I can find a skill that I can sell to others, such as helping people cultivate their creativity (I’m quite passionate about the imagination and creativity). Do you have any ideas, by any chance? 🙂

  5. That was awesome. My dream used to be a cabin in the woods or an RV and turning my back on this whole world. I actually was nearly (unless you consider an extended period of couch surfing with relatives and living in a tent) homeless for 6 months. There was a freedom with that though it has its fears too (like winter approaching in the Northern US where it gets cold)> I finally did get a job and settle for a time. Unfortunately I think that was too long and despite moving around a lot, I think I am stuck in a routine. Some of it is to have freedom for better life later on.

    I still dream of that RV and no ties to anything

    The older I have gotten the more stable I have become but I agree with you on all points except maybe the getting married part. Though I got married because I fell in love. We have no kids and I am OK with that. I have had the suburban life and its overrated. My parents strove for that and once I moved out had a nasty divorce.

    Being a dreamer is awesome. As I have said it is hard to stay one when you get older but NEVER lose your youthful idealism. Dont waste your time chasing the dream that is not yours.

    NEVER BE A WAGE SLAVE. I have been one and it sucks

    Take care.

    I would love to talk with you more. You have even inspired me to start blogging again.

    Bill/Aka Spiritbear

    • Thank you, thank you, thank you. God. I love all of you guys, so much. Starting this blog was the best thing I ever did.

      Living in an RV sure sounds quite appealing. Don’t worry. I don’t want to be a wage slave. Sometimes, I feel like I should just get a really interesting job so I have plenty of fodder for my writing.

  6. Hello there….
    I am too a HSP brought up in inner city London and for the longest time,my whole life,I felt different and just could’nt fit in and felt so very alienated and alone.
    And I had this dream of maybe finding my soulmate and going to live with her on a mountain top and maybe eating wild raspberries and catching the odd fish or something .
    Well last may I finally had enough of all that London energy,I had had a bit of an awakening a year before and I finally found the courage to do something about my situation knowing I could spend the rest of my life there and never find any comfort in those pleasures and luxuries that seem to ease mostly everybody else.I gave away mostly all my belongings,I took a bag of clothes and a guitar and a sleeping bag and began Hoboing across Southern England.And I was some what content despite the occasional moments of doubt,like being caught in a thunderstorm at 3am,broke in the middle of nowhere.I played guitar and met a great many wonderful people,I worked as a volunteer on a farm.I also got back in contact with my soulmate in Texas who I had met on line and in September I got a plane and in November last year we were married.I am writing this sat on a balcony ,it’s midday I can hear church bells in the distance,It’s 90f,I have a cold beer and I am as happy as I have ever been or could imagine I would ever be.Lifes great right now and If you’re not happy with your life,do something brave,make a change.After all what’s the worse that Can happen,You remain unhappy??If you hear it feel the call then answer it,Irs probably destinys trumpet.Many happy regards from Texas.Yours Sincerely Rowan

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