Time To Give Up On Soul Mates?


I don’t know about you, but I’ve always believed in soul mates.

That there is a single human being out there, strolling upon this planet, who is perfect for me, and I for him, only we are currently unbeknownst to one another, and one day we will meet, and our souls will merge as one and it will be perfect, man, just perfect. Our lives will be complete, and we shall view the world through a film of lovey-dovey joy of mother-of-pearl sheen.

Even after I scoffed at it, derisively terming it a ‘stupid fantasy’ hatched from the mother-hen of Hollywood which we all gobbled up as shit-filled omelets for breakfast every morning, even then, some tiny part inside of me, deep down, whispered to itself and hoped. Some part of me wasn’t repelled, even after society presented to us its idea of true love on a rusted platter as a chunk of beating, spurting heart-meat, and crammed it down our throats until we tasted iron on our tongues before we fell asleep each night.

As if pretending not to believe would it make it come true. If I just ignore it, maybe it’ll come to me. Surprise me when I least expect it. That’s how the world works, right?

I wanted it to work that way. Desperately. I wanted soul mates to exist, not only because I had bought into the movies and the books, or wanted to be saved by a knight in shining armor, or wanted romance.

No – it was mainly because I was lonely, as an introverted and sensitive dreamer who no-one seemed to understand.

So I placed all my hopes on this concept, in the hopes that it would plug up the holes of my existence.

Now, I’m truly waking up. I’ve dragged my head out of the clouds to prevent the tearing disappointment of shattered illusions, an experience I know all too well.

I don’t think two people are destined for one another, that pairs of souls are carved out of the same rocks by the great Something before the beginning of Time, distilled in random physical bodies, pulsating in these flesh receptacles. That the world, if seen through a pair of metaphysical glasses, is thronged with these floating, multi-colored pulsations, moving around, the shimmery souls beneath the transparent skin of human beings each a unique kaleidoscope of color, pumping out a unique beat, trying to find their other soul-stone originating from the same geode.  

It’s a lovely fantasy. But, even as a dreamer, I realize it’s not real.

What’s real is compatibility. Empathy. Other people in the world who are HSPs, introverts, INFPs, dreamers, idealists or writers, who can understand, not as soul mates, but as fellow humans with hearts and minds. It’s about people, not a tantalizing illusion of an often god-like omniscient partner who can turn you inside out and know the path of every vein from the tips of your toes to your brain.

It’s about not-perfect people who have not-perfect minds, whose opinions are clouded with prejudice and well, themselves, the particular lenses of their eyes. People who sometimes can’t see into the depths of your soul, can’t read your mind all the time. People who find you confusing, and you them. People who can’t fill up the gaping wound of existential loneliness. And it’s messy, and there are misunderstandings, and it might make you want to throw in the towel and escape from the reality of love.

And that’s okay. It’s not as good as the fantasy, obviously. But it’s okay, and though not better, still pretty good, because it’s real and not hinged on the wing of a fairy. Fantasies are all fine and dandy, but sometimes, the realness of reality, the blood-and-flesh closeness of it, is more magical. More fantastical. Just, nicer, because you can touch it and feel it, and it’s not just in your mind, where the romantic reel sputters to a close the moment you open your eyes.  

I’m not cool with it, but I can accept it.

It’s okay.

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5 thoughts on “Time To Give Up On Soul Mates?

  1. Hello there.

    First of all, I want you to know that I have never actually commented on anyone’s blog, but there is something in your writing that tugged at my soulstrings. Is there such a thing? 🙂 Your writing is beautiful and I am glad I happened upon your blog.

    I came across one of your posts about INFPs when I was doing some research, since I am actually one as well.

    I thought the same way about soul mates as you. I outwardly said that I didn’t believe in just finding one person who you are meant to be with, and you can love multiple people, but on the inside the romantic part of me still hoped. I actually have met someone who I genuinely do consider to be my soul mate. It also was an unexpected (but pleasant) surprise that it turned out to be a woman, and I ended up moving across the country to be with her.

    Now I am not saying to become a lesbian or anything (haha), or even that there is just one person out there for you or any of us, but I think you can meet someone who does make you believe in soul mates, and when you do it won’t matter what the label is 🙂

    I am a fellow writer and dreamer and I agree with so many of the points you make throughout your blog: not wanting a typical, soul sucking job, caring deeply and intensely about people and their stories and situations, and the difficulty with being extremely introverted – to name a few. Have you read a lot of philosophy? I would think you would enjoy the work of Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir.

    This comment is getting lengthy so I’ll wrap it up. You are exceptional and you have a way with words that I have only rarely seen before.

    Keep writing.

    Emily

    • Thank you. So much. It’s lovely to meet you, fellow dreamer, and I understand every word you wrote. I personally don’t read a lot of philosophy, only the quotes, and the few sayings that crop up in books. I find it easier to mull over my own ideas about life and existence, and the funny thing is when I do read some philosophy, I find most of my ideas are expressed in words by other philosophers. It makes me feel like I’m on the right track, sometimes.
      It is hard being who we are. Very hard. But I think there’s a lot of beauty, and we’re never bored, always creating thinking, dreaming. I don’t think I’d want to be anything but an INFP.
      If you don’t mind me asking, do you have a job at the moment? I’ve been trying to cultivate career ideas for other dreamers. I plan on writing another career advice post, once I’ve got things figured out a bit more. I have a small part time job at the moment myself, but it’s socially draining and makes my future of working seem rather bleak.

      • It’s nice to meet you as well. I find it a little bizarre the way people can connect and have a conversation from anywhere in the world…bizarre in a good way though. It’s great, especially for introverts!
        Philosophy sometimes help direct your thoughts if you want to focus.. allows you to continually think about one topic and maybe dig a little deeper if you wish to. I was just wondering if you’d read any though since, like you said, you do seem to discuss many topics in philosophy that I’ve come across in my studies. I love it – it was actually my minor and I enjoyed it more than my major in school.
        As far as my job goes, I currently work as a technical writer. I enjoy parts of it as I mostly work from home and am very independent. My schedule is quite flexible and it allows me to do what I do well. The ‘technical’ part doesn’t allow for much creativity though, which is what I believe gives life to writing, so I have to pursue my creative writing fix in other formats. I’ve kind of started a blog but I am not sure if I am ready to share it with the world yet 🙂
        As for long term, I am still wondering and wandering and exploring options. What kind of rewarding career can you pursue as an INFP in a world that is increasingly concerned with calculation, cost effectiveness, and ultimately profit?

        Emily

      • That’s pretty awesome. I’ve considered becoming a technical writer as well, you know, for the sake of surviving in our capitalist society, but I have the same qualms you mention, about it being rather dry and suffocating creativity. Still, it’s always a viable option, and it’s good to know another INFP has pursued that career path and has made it work for them. Personally, as to what kind of rewarding an INFP can pursue in this cold and often brutal society – frankly, the only true job comes to mind is writing. Fiction writing. I mean, sure, it depends on the INFP, not all INFPs like writing, but most do, and it’s kind of like what we’re ‘destined’ for, or, at least, extremely suited for. You know, introversion, tendency to daydream, being imaginative and creative. I’m determined to make this pipedream a reality. 🙂

  2. > I’ve considered becoming a technical writer as well, you know, for the sake of surviving in our capitalist society,

    NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO !!!!

    Sorry~
    Hard to say how capitalist society works by few words.
    But it’s all about population(Think about how many %NFP in society?) and marketing ~If you are not an SF ,DON’T DO IT.Even SF technical writers with intense competition in the industry.

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