You Can Be My Boyfriend If…

Skeleton

Currently in a state of utter paralysis over my future. Writing has been going crappy. I am a crappy, useless, talentless person. Starting to think I’m delusional again. Very hard to keep hoping. Feel like I’m clutching at mist, and everyone else is on the right track. Don’t worry. I tend to go through these cycles of bad days every week or so.

So I decided to write a funny post. Or try to. Just to cheer myself up. And maybe you too. Applicable predominately to INFPs. Or maybe just me. Ahem. Enjoy!

Just imagine that repeated line to be uttered in a sing-song, jaunty sort of voice. The kind of voice that makes you want to tear out your own eyes.

You can be my boyfriend if….

You’re not scared to kiss a skull. Come on, let’s get close and personal with our mortality…speaking of skulls, hypothetically, if I died, and rotted down, would you kiss my skull? After it was washed properly?

You can be my boyfriend if…

When I suddenly decide to live in a trailer, or a truck, or even a car, you know, to escape the 9-5 grind, you follow me. And we’ll giggle together in the night trying to find toilets and showers, and cook Ramen noodles beneath the stars in some park, poor as dirt but happy as ducks.

You can be my boyfriend if…

You don’t mind someone who loves books and writing and solitude more than you.

You can be my boyfriend if…

You’re the kind of person to spy on people from behind curtains. And when we see a homeless person, or someone who tugs at our heartstrings, we’ll both press our palms to the glass in a dramatic portrayal of silent lamentation. Oh, the woe.

You can be my boyfriend if…

You’re not afraid to ditch your job and go live on the abundance of our capitalist land, dumpster diving and living on pennies. And stealing bread from ducks because, you know, we’re really hungry and need it more than they do.

You can be my boyfriend if…

You treat me as a unique pet that requires to be farmed out, like children at daycare, to libraries for eight hours a day. Oh, and to help me carry precarious mountains of books on the way home. Books to me are like dogs to a bone.

You can be my boyfriend if…

You can drive. I can’t drive. I hate driving. I’m terrified of driving. Shudder.

You can be my boyfriend if…

The thought of lying side by side on the grass making shapes out of clouds and talking about life does not irk you. Why can’t anyone keep still these days?

You can be my boyfriend if…

You’re more outspoken than me. Come on, I need someone to beg food from restaurants, and to sweet talk the security guards when they wonder why two black-masked individuals are groping about in the supermarket dumpsters at midnight.

You can be my boyfriend if…

You don’t care about money, prestige, status, etc. etc. Art is life, baby, and it shall be the centre of our existence.

You can be my boyfriend if…

The thought of climbing a tree like two kids in the middle of the day does not make you feel embarrassed. The view is better up there, I promise.

You can be my boyfriend if…

You think love is about two kindred spirits who enjoy each others’ company and get together to have adventures and have fun, even in the face of financial hardship. Let’s make foraging for dandelion stems a happy-go-lucky joy.

You can be my boyfriend if…

You’re good at scavenging edible food. No, uh-uh, not that. I said edible.

You can be my boyfriend if…

You have good combat skills. You know, to destroy those monsters that lurk in the shadows of my mind…

You can be my boyfriend if…

You don’t mind outlandish facial expressions and outbursts. Sometimes, I just feel like yelping, “The moon is eating your face!” for no reason whatsoever.

You can be my boyfriend if…

You’ve experienced existential depression. ‘Nuff said.

You can be my boyfriend if…

You believe in my writing.

You can be my boyfriend if…

Talking about creepy things does not scare you. If you’re attracted to the macabre. Like dolls. And decapitated heads. Or things that keep on talking long after their dead. Mouldering things. Lost things.

You can be my boyfriend if…

If…

If…

Hey, where are you going?

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