A Love Letter To Myself

Love Letter

Do you know anything about love, little dreamer?

Sometimes, I think you don’t. Sometimes, I think you know nothing at all. After all, you have never been in a relationship and is, deep down, a scared little girl prone to hiding away her heart. What do you know of the world of cats and traps, little mouse?

But what you lack in physical size and boldness you make up for with the strength of your big heart, a throb of muscle so large it sometimes feels like you are engulfed by it, your entire body nothing but a painful beat pulsing visibly through a layer of skin like a drum. This heart is loud, constant, divulging secrets through its tattoo in Morse-Code fashion. And you listen, because it is all there is to hear.

Yes: you may know very little about boys, or the ways in which women and men dance around each other like drunken pixies beneath the cornflower moon and sprays of autumn stars. However love is pretty much the same sort of thing, really, no matter who you feel it towards, and, having been blessed with family members who do care for you, even if they do not show it properly all the time, you know how it feels. Like a pocket of warm honey pooling next to your heart. The sweetest feeling under the sun, known to bring showers of birds out of the trees and send rainbows racing across the arch of the sky – or so the stories say (that’s another problem of yours: you live in books too much even though very well know the reality pressed between pages is more of the preserved flower variety rather than the kind that is luscious and in full bloom).

Deep down, you know this feeling, what they call love, is actually the secret to the universe, something which would make you feel sappy and silly if you voiced it aloud but believe is true, anyway. The universe loves Love, dances on tipsy-toes of stardust swishing skirts of comets whenever the positive vibes radiate from people and any other conscious beings out there. Whenever you follow the love, be it for an idea, a dream or a person, the universe smiles a crescent-shaped smile and shifts a few stars in the firmaments to help you along. You believe in this with all your heart, and believing makes it true. Belief is the engine, love the fuel; together, they create a self-propagating cobble of machinery able to ride all the way to the heavens.

Still, love, unlike what the stories tell you, is not the most powerful thing in the world. It certainly is one of the most powerful, there is no doubt of that, but other forces, like hate and destruction are just as powerful; a person can drink from the bitter well of revenge for years without dying, even though it shrivels them up on the inside. Love is not a shield for blocking all evil. Evil wins a good deal of the time, and in the grand scheme of things both victories and failures matter little.

Instead, love is more like the dash of sugar or sauce used to temper a dish. Without it, the affair would certainly be edible, but not as satisfying or delicious. The cherry on the cake. The sprig of parsley. Enough to lend one’s existence an extra bit of “oomph”. This is important for you to realise, as people have a tendency to think love from another creature is enough to heal all wounds, eradicate all pain. It isn’t.

I know you, being the idealistic creature you are, value romantic love a good deal, perhaps even a little too much, but you must remember the only love that will carry you through life is love for yourself, love for your work and love for the world no matter how far it degenerates. No single person can substitute those three things. Please remember that, so as to save yourself much disappointment in the future.

Nevertheless, this does not mean romantic love is not without its charms; in fact, I would go as far to say it is one of the most charming things one can experience when it is real and right and true. Of course, you don’t know this first-hand, but you can easily imagine it, and have felt affection for people other than family before. Humans are social creatures, and sometimes they look at each and they grow fond. It is very simple, and very lovely.

There is someone out there. Always believe that he is out there, ready to swoop onto the stage of your life when the audience least expects it. Maybe you have already met him. At the same time, go through life as if you will never meet him. Do not, under any circumstances, wait for him or pine after him; simply chase after your dreams whilst holding the quiet assurance in your heart that he will come when the time is right, when the both of you are ready.

And when it does? Unlike what the books say, it certainly will not move mountains or stop the world from spinning – if you are sure of nothing else, you can be sure of that. He will be a person like any other person: sometimes wonderful, sometimes horrible, sometimes boring. Just like you. The two of you will probably fight, an awful lot, and I cannot guarantee your affection for each other will last forever; nothing does, and love is hardly any exception. But there will be smiles. Lots of smiles, smiles where eyes twinkle like twin stars and hearts beat to a song old as the universe. Laughter, too, great unrestrained bursts of it, and late-night walks and philosophical ramblings, the feeling of having some core part of your being unearthed and understood rather than treated as an artifact with no provenance. Together you will sip from the bowl of life and smack your lips and look at each other with a sparkle in your eyes over its rim. Perhaps even children to share the joy of living and loving and dreaming with.

Even in your darkness moments, even when the world is ugly and it makes you feel ugly and no-one seems to care or see or understand, just know that there is much happiness waiting for you just beyond the bend, a few galactic hops and skips away. It won’t be a perfect happiness. Most likely it will be a difficult happiness. And maybe a short-lived one, too. But that doesn’t matter in the slightest; for you see little dreamer, every moment really is a tiny forever. The universe is eternity, and as you are a part of it, you are also eternal. By the same token, every drop of love shed and spent is infinite.

So do not bemoan the heartlessness of the world and its people, a sphere which you have withdrawn from to protect yourself, for you have enough heart for yourself and whoever you touch during your life, and that is enough. It will be enough for whoever you fall in love with and whoever loves you. It will be enough for whatever you want to spend your life doing. Your heart is fast and true, little dreamer, and it is a rocket that will send you and your loved ones straight to the moon, as long as you let it.

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3 thoughts on “A Love Letter To Myself

  1. Hi there, I’ve been reading your blog today and this is going to sound really strange but I think we might be the same person! Not really but I will say almost everything you’ve posted I’ve thought or journaled about. I’m an INFP, HSP, writer too! You’ve got a new follower 😉

    • Lovely to meet you! ❤ That doesn't sound strange at all. Always nice to know there are others like me out there; makes me feel less weird and alone. Thank you for following.

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