Why I Chose To Be Celibate

sunset

Relationships with a significant other, no matter how wonderful they may seem at the beginning, are not worth the trouble. In accordance with this personal conclusion, I have chosen to not seek “love” in this life, and remain celibate. In this post, I detail some of the reasons behind this choice. Even if you do not agree with this viewpoint, perhaps you can still take something away from some of these harsh truths of love.

Articulating why exactly I have chosen, at my age, to be celibate for the rest of my life, is difficult. After all, not only am I still young (even though I feel old, on the inside), I have never been in a relationship. This, however, does not mean there are no insights I can share regarding the bonds people make with each other, and why I think that sometimes, sometimes doing without can bring you more happiness in the long run.

The first thing you must understand is that everyone, once you get very close to them, are a little broken and insecure, just like you. At the end of the day, even the richest woman or the poorest man is afraid, because the world is a big place and life is complicated. I particularly touch upon this because some people – not only women – get into relationships in order for someone to “save” and “protect” them from the vagaries of life. Only thing is, there is nothing under the sun which can ever keep you safe forever (except perhaps money, but even that can’t shield you from everything), least of all another person; and nothing coming from another person will comfort you if those same things do not exist within yourself. Death awaits each of us, security is a myth, no-one really knows what they are doing – we might as well get used to it, rather than chase fantasies of a savior dropping into our lives.

People are also, well, selfish. Don’t get me wrong: they can be kind, and caring; but they are also angry, judgmental, selfish, lazy; we are all a combination of the good and the bad, and none of us are perfect. This means that the perfect partner that exists in your head (and I know it does; as humans, we cannot help but secretly yearn for perfection) will never be found out there, in the world. As you spend more time with a particular person, gradually their imperfections begin to rise to the surface, and you realise that even Princes and Princesses get grumpy, paranoid; that people can be both simultaneously lovable and irritating. What’s more, you are the same: you can be grumpy, and annoying, and mean. And when two people get together, for long periods of time, friction arises, passion dies, and you are left with two displeased people, unhappy in each other’s company, at best tolerating each other. It is simply human nature.

Whatever you desire in life cannot be found outside of yourself, whether it is love, or appreciation, or something to assuage loneliness. When all is said and done, only you can love yourself, appreciate yourself; and the ultimate cure to loneliness is not to partner up with other people, or have children, or surround yourself with friends, but to reconcile yourself to the innate loneliness of human existence. We live and die, alone, trapped in our own minds, and things like relationships only provide an illusion contrary to this reality.

Others also get into relationships for the elusive “emotional intimacy”, which is, in fact, an imaginary closeness you feel towards another person. No-one under the sun can truly understand you, inside and out, except yourself. You, if you do get into a relationship, can never truly understand another person; we are all mysteries to one another. Relationships are just two people, living together, having fun together, and participating in an illusion of intimacy to assuage existential loneliness. For me, this means that being on my own, and understanding myself, is more fulfilling than tying my life to someone who could never scratch the surface of who I am.

Apart from the perceived emotional benefits of getting into relationships, there are two others: Sex, and Children. Personally, the former is not an issue for me; I hardly get any “urges”, though if you are male, I can understand how being in a relationship could afford you the opportunity to relieve those particular urges. As for children, for a long time, my sole reason for one day wanting to get married was to have kids. I find babies sweet, and lovely. But we must not forget that all babies eventually grow up into their own people, with a consciousness and life entirely separate from yours – that they will be, in many ways, just as incomprehensible to you as your husband, or wife, or friend. Blood ties mean nothing: We are all individuals, separate from our family members. It would be wiser to view children not as extensions of ourselves, but little humans we are choosing to bring up – and though there may be joy in that, I find the prospect to be too tiresome and time-consuming to be worthwhile.

Those are just a few of the reasons behind my choice to remain celibate. I do not believe relationships can offer happiness; true happiness comes from within yourself, enjoying the experience of being human, and doing work that you love. My books will be my children, and I shall, each day, wake up to have a relationship with nature, and the beauty of the universe. Of course, this decision is not final: who knows, maybe one day I will meet someone who changes my mind, even despite knowing these dark realities. But that is unlikely.

In the meantime, I am perfectly happy on my own little island, gazing at the stars and thinking my own thoughts. You do not need anyone to complete you, or make you happy; all that lies within the bounds of your own control. I think it is good to remind yourself of that, every once in a while.

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5 thoughts on “Why I Chose To Be Celibate

  1. I understand your reasons for not wanting to ever be in a relationship, but since you haven’t ever been in a relationship I would say that maybe you are jumping the gun. People suck sometimes, trust me I know, but I truly believe there is someone out there for you. Who will be happy with you and you happy with him, flaws and all.
    *don’t hate me* But I just felt I needed to say that.

    • Thanks; and no, I would never hate you for expressing your opinion, though trust me, I do know what it is like to be sensitive to other people’s reactions like that; I really do appreciate you pointing that out. Yes, it certainly is a possibility, and if that ever came to pass, if someone entered my life who I found myself compatible with and who did not suck at being a good human being and who I was attracted to, I would welcome them with open arms. Even so, just based on the countless relationships I have seen crumble around me, the extent to which people change, often for the worse, remaining single seems the smarter choice. At least for now. The world is in short supply of odd, sensitive men, I should think; and if I were ever to date, I think it might have to be an iNFP, or someone similarly sensitive and caring, which reduces the dating pool somewhat. But, I get what you’re saying: Never say never. Thanks. 🙂

  2. infp here. I used to think just like you, that we don’t need anyone to complete ourselves, thus I can be happy alone and I probably will spend my whole life alone. Well, there is nothing wrong there, it’s just a bit sad that I refused to see the innate power of other human beings to transform me, turns me into a better person, and decided to keep myself guarded most of the times. well, I guess I was not ready mentally at that moment. so no rush, you may see life differently from time to time. It’s true that we do not need anyone to complete us. Rather, it’s quite the reverse, through completing oneself one starts to see, that other people on Earth are sacred like angels and god. Everyone is. Not just me and you are good people, everyone can be good if we are able to see. And , everyone can be evil as you already know. Carl Jung said, ‘the meeting of 2 personalities is like the contact of 2 chemical substances. If there is any reaction, both are transformed. It’s the anticipation of such change within me, allows me to have the courage to step outside and meet new people. Sorry for the nonsense ramble here. 😛 I have to go now so I am going to submit this half explained comment. 😛

    • That is an utterly beautiful quote, thank you for sharing it, and for commenting. And for your beautiful words – I know exactly what you mean when you say that others on Earth are angels and gods. There are some religious people who believe that to look into the face of another person is to see the Divine. And that makes sense: we are all each other, springing from the same source, part of the same grand Dance that makes her feet twist and turn until the day we die, even if we don’t know what the revelry is for in the first place. You’re right. Sometimes we can keep ourselves too protected. It’s a balancing act. It’s about learning to love yourself first before letting other people in, and then letting other people in when you are ready to learn some lessons and get a little hurt, without having your entire being challenged and falling into any dark emotional holes you can’t climb out of. At least, that’s the way it is for me. I need to make myself stronger, build up a little strength, before I can go out into the battlefield. There have been times when I’ve tottered out into the midst of combat fragile as a glass ornament, only to find myself shattered to pieces in less than I second. When it comes to love, I don’t want to be bruised, not shattered, and until I can strengthen myself to the point where the former will occur rather than the latter, I’m going to remain celibate – but, as you so wisely and beautifully pointed out, perhaps being alone forever won’t allow me to grow as a person, and eventually I will have to step out and risk getting hurt, even if my armor is a little wonky and I haven’t practiced my swordsmanship in a couple of days. Life is walking without knowing the destination, fighting when you are not prepared. And it’s wonderful, even when it’s bad. It definitely wasn’t a nonsensical ramble – you’ve provided me with some inspiration for my next post, which I’m very thankful for. Lots of love, Dreamerrambling

  3. I have already forgotten half of the things I have typed, haha. But I can see that you have grasped the idea I only brushed on the surface and elaborated in the way better than I do. And, yes, only open a little crack for other people to enter is a good caution to take, I used to take things in really slowly as well. With time, I believe, even the most protected person will show their real side. I ponder what within me changed that allow me to be more outgoing. The quote I mentioned is one of the tiny pieces that changed me. Yes, but only one quote won’t move me. I dwelled in my thoughts and then I realised there is a passage I have read that speeds up the change. The message of the passage is simple, saying we are the average of the five people we have regular contact with’. I am pretty sure you have heard of that as well. At the time I read the passage (http://thoughtcatalog.com/ryan-holiday/2015/06/tell-me-who-you-spend-time-with-and-i-will-tell-you-who-you-are/), I have moved away from my parents for a while and I started to see my depressed mood got lifted away, and I started to build up a more positive attitude towards life as well. All comes down to a couple of things: the human interaction I have and the environment I am in. My friends are supportive, my parents drown me with a thousand possibilities that things can go wrong. Looking back I can tell I made a smart move to move away, but I will never tell UNTIL I MADE THE DECISION. That’s the realisation how much we spend time and give power to people we have contacted with. They challenge us, change us, with their energy and thoughts. Day by day, week by week, maybe year by year as well. So, the people we have contact with changes us, no matter we like them or not. It’s like a natural process. If you are stuck with good people, by all means stay. If you feel like your energy is not high, it’s a good idea to meet some people with good vibes. Go out. I shared this because I feel like INFPs tend to have parents that are judgemental and do not give enough guidance. leaving us confused and feeling incompetent and incapable, thus unsafe in the face of adversity. That’s why we have inferior Te, were defeated and withdraw from the world, do not know how to execute plans. Well, I am taking a big guess that maybe you are the same, then it’s good to let other people to change you. As I said, we are just the average of the 5 people we have regular contacts with.

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