INFPs: It’s Hard, But We’ll Be Okay

INFP woman

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With the way INFPs seem to dominate the Internet, popping up in hundreds on forums, on blogs, you could almost be led to believe that there are quite a lot of us out there, and we aren’t as rare as the studies say.

But that would be an incorrect extrapolation. Fact is, disregarding the 4% statistic sites like to throw around, we are a minority, in that the way we think, feel and view the world is often markedly different from the majority who aren’t highly introverted, creative and emotive creatures—and I have yet to communicate with an INFP who has met another of her or his kind in real life. Our online presence is merely a reflection of our introverted and reclusive natures; and the fact that we tend to find it far easier to form a relationship through written rather than spoken words.

Though we’re not the only special birds in the flock, and there are other rare personality types, like the ENTJ, no other type possesses a combination of traits so wildly unsuited to survival in today’s modern society. ENTJs are highly social, bold creatures, who are energetic, assertive, good talkers, possess sharp intellects, often run their own companies and businesses, and have no trouble fitting in wherever they go. So their rarity provides them a social and economic advantage, their traits assets, not liabilities.

INFPs, on the other hand, and I speak this from my own experience, as well as the experience of other INFPs I have communicated with, have no end of trouble finding their place in the world. No, actually, forget about finding a place: much of the time we struggle not to get eaten and spat back out by everyday life. In the past, I have had people tell me that my descriptions of INFPs were too soft and weak, and that they, as INFPs themselves, were nothing like what I described. But there is a very clear reason for that. Your MBTI is a matter of percentages. For instance, someone who takes the test might straddle right between extroversion and introversion, and feeling and thinking, yet still come up with “INFP” after taking the test. Sometimes, if they were only a few percentages more extroverted, or more reliant on thinking, they would have tested as an entirely different personality type—say, ENTP. So when you take MBTI tests, percentages are a good thing to keep in mind.

It almost goes without saying that the higher your percentages when you receive your INFP result—and there are different percentages for each letter, Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving—the more difficult a time you will have in life. Just for a quick break down of each of the functions: “Introverted” means you like to spend time alone; “Intuitive” means you trust your heart and gut rather than your head and eyes; “Feeling” means you see the world, and make decisions, from an emotional rather than intellectual viewpoint; and “Perceiving” that you favor spontaneity over rigidity and like things vague and open-ended instead of closed, final, concrete. Mix these four functions, in high concentrations, together in a big, old cauldron, add in a dash of pixie dust, and you get an INFP: a loner who compulsively daydreams, is full of intense feelings liable to burst out at inopportune moments, and disordered and messy by nature. Sounds like just the sort of person an employee would jump at the chance to hire, doesn’t it?

I mean, come on, we can make ourselves cry, on the spot, just by imagining a tragic scenario for long enough, which must be the stuff of nightmares for the sensible and pragmatic. We are the ones with disheveled hair and pencils or paintbrushes in our hands who stare out windows and mumble melancholy phrases to themselves whilst standing in a room that looks as though a hysterical raccoon rampaged through it. We lose and forget things on an astonishingly consistent basis; in the middle of sentences we often trail off, caught by some other fancy; and we see everything through rose-colored glasses, so oftentimes we are unsure whether what we know and see is real, or entirely fabricated by our imaginations. Even though I disagree with the sentiment, let’s face it, to most people, if we showed our true selves while out and about (which we often do not; minorities unconsciously try to mold themselves into the majority in order to fit in), we would seem like slightly insane and unruly creatures who need to get our act together, and “grow up”. The lucky ones among us are dubbed “absentminded professors”, while the rest of us get sidelined into all sorts of unflattering categories: too emotional, too sensitive, too quiet, too fantasy-dependent. To the rest of the world, we are never enough, parts of us always needing to be “fixed”; and being so sensitive, we take all these subtle yet constant denigrations to heart and develop low self-esteem, feel self-loathing, which are then amplified by our powerful emotions, which we then react to very strongly because of our sensitivity, often expressed by weeping in solitude due to our introversion– and as we all know suffering undergone alone is often worse than with someone else–which is why I am certain a disproportionate number of INFPs, male and female, find themselves crying into their pillows late at night around the world, wishing they were someone stronger, better, more thick-skinned and capable.

As I said before, this kind of description will not match all INFPs, and the “more” of an INFP you are, the more you will suffer, because you will be more introverted, more sensitive, more disorganized, more emotional, all traits society, or at least Western society, does not value. Your suffering is multiplied if you are a male INFP, possessing as you do traits conventionally considered feminine. I, myself, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you see it, am a severe INFP, calculated at over 85% for each of the functions; and INFPs like me, on the farther end of the spectrum, are often at a greater risk of bipolar disorder, which is basically a condition where you have no emotional skin, and every little thing bothers you and scrapes against your heart, as well as social anxiety, depression, and ADHD. Mental illness among INFPs, in general, is disproportionally high; the combination of strong feelings and strong introversion does nothing for our psychological well-being. 

Another problematic trait of ours often overlooked, both by ourselves and personality websites, is that we tend to be quite self-centered creatures, despite our high levels of empathy. This is in part due to our idealism—after all, what is idealism but a focus, facilitated by imagination, on the way you want things to be?–and in part because we use Introverted Feeling in dealing with the outside world, and are thus highly internal, focused on our own feelings, our own reactions, opinions, internal landscapes and fantasy worlds.

So on the one hand, we are creative, highly empathic, kind and intelligent people; but on the other hand, aloof, melancholy, scatter-brained creatures, lost in daydreams and hurt and bloody from the emotional wars playing out across our hearts—and unfortunately, it tends to be only the negative traits people see, or that we, due to our private nature, show to others. More than any other type, INFPs belong to another age, an era when artists and writers and poets were lauded and appreciated, when Art and ideas were at their flux; the Renaissance, perhaps, or some long-forgotten dynasty.

Thus, here we are then, butterflies trying to maneuver our way through a world run by spiders and hulking beetles. We get squashed. We get caught in nets, in webs. We flutter, here and there, fragile and frantic, so full of zest for life, constantly plumbing the depths of emotion and philosophy, yet almost too delicate to withstand our own uncontrollable enthusiasm.

And of all the dissatisfying aspects of life, the problem of work, of earning a living so you can eat and keep a roof over your head, is the most taxing for us. Our personality simply does not fit the modern workplace. The only jobs I can think of which suit our temperaments perfectly (once again, not applicable to all INFPs), are solitary artistic professions, like writing, painting, sculpture, the skills of which take many years to master before one can hope to make a living from them, and sometimes, in a world of instant entertainment where Art that takes commitment and time to savour is less appreciated than it was in days of old, not even then. Many of us, out of necessity, take on jobs harmful for our souls and psyches in the long-term, unable to find an alternative. Others struggle to finish degrees with rigid course guidelines and involving extensive memorisation, and have trouble dealing with insensitive peers, teachers and co-workers. 

What keeps INFPs going, however, what forms the backbone of our being, is a goal, meaningful to ourselves. Without it, we would die. This might be our desire to help people or animals, to create beauty through our Art, to share our imaginations and bring joy, kindness, love to the world; whatever it is, it acts as a talisman against all the pain that assaults us in our daily lives, spurring us on when we would have otherwise already fallen.

A lot of INFP self-help advice centers on us changing ourselves. Sometimes this advice is good, such as the reminder to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, instead of only seeing things from our own perspective, or to lower our unrealistic expectations. A great deal of it, however, concentrates on becoming more objective, less mired in our own imaginations and fantasy worlds, to see the world from a more “realistic” perspective and, in doing so, fit “happily in” with the rest of society–all advice I vehemently disagree with, as they involve changing yourself to make your personality more conventional. And why should you have the obligation to make yourself more palatable for general society (that is, unless you must, in order to maintain a job)? What is wrong with being lost in your imagination? Or daydreaming? Or retaining a child-like, pure view of the world well into adulthood? What is wrong with seeming eccentric, and being avoided by others for seeming strange and odd, if it means you remain true to yourself?

As far as I can see, what we cannot give up, even if it is difficult being who we are, is our own individuality and authenticity. We should never, for the sake of acceptance, give up our own creativity, our unique perspective on the world. Butterflies may be delicate, and hurt and die more easily than other insects, but they are one of the most exquisitely beautiful creatures on Earth, and, as evinced by the faerie folklore present in cultures all around the world, by the power of their delicate wonder, lit the imaginations of thousands of humans throughout history.

We are, in short, the faeries of the world. Faeries might have it tough, their habitats ravaged by demons and other unworldly beasts, their senses easily influenced by negative energy, by hate and destruction; but they are the healers, the purveyors of magic and delight, and the world would be a much duller place without them. So it is with INFPs: despite, or in spite of, our suffering, we are often the ones who bring kindness, joy, love and boundless creativity to the world; and the people who appreciate what we have to offer, eccentricities and all, are the only ones worth bothering about. Our hearts are very, very strong—and that is all that matters.

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31 thoughts on “INFPs: It’s Hard, But We’ll Be Okay

  1. That is BY FAR the best post on what it feels like to be an INFP I’ve ever read. Unfortunately, even if I were to show that to people, they still would have no idea what it really feels like. For a very long time (especially in school) I felt like something was seriously wrong with me because I did not fit in anywhere and was such an individual (mind I went to a catholic private school) but through the years I have finally learned to love and accept it despite how hard it is.

    Thank you!

    • I am so glad you have finally learned to love yourself for who you are. I understand how it feels, to be different not fit in, but, in the end, all we have is ourselves, and we need to make sure we honour who we are. ❤

    • This helped me see myself in a good way ,Thank you ,I always have felt different and odd even with my family. The only people that I never felt uncomfortable with was my children. I can be a better fairy now lol!

  2. I’m an INFP male, and I think it would be safe to say that at any given moment, INFPs are liable to collapse into genuine insanity. I’ve never felt like I was on any kind of steady ground, and the other INFPs I do life with have the same problem. You’re perpetually one step away from utter despair. At the same time, something like divine joy is always close at hand. Although ENTJs are uniquely conditioned to fit in anywhere and everywhere, I believe that INFPs are uniquely molded to give a voice to the human spirit. We are the storytellers of the human experience. I consider it a gift–one that comes with an intolerable burden, but a gift nonetheless.

  3. This is like reading my own diary. Thank you, for such a beautiful piece of writing. I love the part about the talisman, yes that’s exactly it: if not for the beauty of life and of the kind friends whom I was lucky enough to meet, I would have been dead inside long ago. Also, it is true that our hearts are brave and strong. As long as we love, we live.

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  5. This is so beautiful . I love it and it describes me perfectly , I am a INFP female, a very intense INFP. It’s funny and I like the part where you said something about mental illness.. I, myself am diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder . My family believe there was nothing wrong with me and before I’ve believe that I was bipolar but now I feel like I might not be , I feel things (I know I am very empathic and moody ) but I just feel things and very intensely and maybe I am not insane . It’s how the world see me only , that they think I am insane . But what you said is very true and very real about INFP

  6. So glad to have found you. I am a Spaniard INFP and your writing describes how most of the time I feel. It’s a relief to find someone like me, it makes feel less weird, surrounded, as I have been of noisy extroverts most of my life.

    • Oh, thank you. I’m glad you feel a little less alone in your weirdness. I’m the same—I’ve mostly been surrounded by chatty people, though over the years I have come out of my shell a lot more. Hello, from an Australian INFP 🙂

  7. Eloquently written and a better understanding of this personality type INFP. As a previous commenter stated, bringing mental illness up is important. I have struggled for years with depression, however, that was caused mostly by the impact of maternal narcissistic abuse. Yes, I am sensitive to criticism, but is that from the abuse that formed my personality? Results from the test were dead-on accurate though, and I thought I was the only one who had these odd traits.

    • You’re definitely not alone. And I grew up with a narcissistic abusive father, so maybe that amplified our susceptibility to depression. I am extremely sensitive to anything that hurts my self-esteem, and afraid of making people dislike me, because that is the scar I have from personal encounters. We’ll make it through, I promise.

  8. Yes. Yes. And YES……….thank you for putting into words the struggle and beauty of being an INFP. This is beautiful and real, and especially helpful to me after reading many of the self help suggestions for INFP’s which basically say, “Don’t be yourself.” We are needed. Thank you!!

  9. Pingback: INFPs: It’s Hard, But We’ll Be Okay – Pourquoi je suis née humain?

  10. this is so fucking beautiful, the way you wrote it, describing INFPs as butterflies. and the contradictory nature of INFP’s in being selfish but also extremely empathetic and emotional to other peoples’ concerns is on point. I definitely see this problem occurring in my life.

    I guess best we can do is try to survive? idk.

  11. I really enjoyed this piece. Your closing line was beautiful! The only point I would add is that focusing on our own internal world is not selfish. We feel what others feels but are disconnected from. Our self-awareness is a gift to all of humanity: we can spend the time within ourselves to understand what is happening and then share that insight with others so that they can have a bit better insight into themselves. That is our gift, our contribution to humanity and we must militantly defend and value it. Buddhism supports this view–only by understanding and loving yourself can you understand and love others. Great piece!!

    • Thank you! You are definitely right: our ability for self-insight and inner awareness makes us better people, rather than selfish. It is a good thing to be introspective: I firmly believe that. thank you for reading. I honestly believe, through my writing, that I will be able to give something to humanity, in some way, no matter how small. Take care. x

  12. This was so lovely to read, you have an amazing way with words. Thank you for articulating so well how it is like to be an infp. I know this was posted a long time ago but I had to say good job. 🙂

    • Aw, thank you so much! I know it was posted a long time ago as well—but it brings me great joy to know that it has helped someone like yourself, in some way, no matter how small. Take care. You are stronger than you think. xx

  13. I agree with every poster above including the most recent one about needing to comment in spite of how old the post is. Thank you so much for for writing this. I have never heard the INFP experience articulated so incredibly well. It’s so comforting to read the comments as well knowing that there ARE others really out there—and reading just how much we have in common. I grew up with narcissistic abusive parents and found myself married for twenty-five years (but not for too much longer) to the same type of man. Always wanting to see the best in everyone; not wanting to give up on anyone. Just wanting to love. Connections are so few and, to me, that is the hardest thing of all. I have an INFJ daughter who really “gets me” and has helped me celebrate my true self and recognize the “healer” in myself. Can’t wait to share this with her. It’s so lovely reading about the beauty of such a painful existence. Absolutely loved the butterfly and fairy analogies. Thank you so much for writing this. You are beautiful.

    • Aw, thank you! You are super lovely as well. I’m so glad you reached out and read my post—it’s readers like you that mean the world to me. I’m sorry you grew up in an abusive situation, and then ended up replicating that experience with your husband; that’s certainly one of the downsides of childhood trauma, and I’m glad you’re in a much better place now. Aww, you have a little daughter! That’s so sweet, and I’m so happy she makes you happy, and excited about life. Take care, your kind words really brightened my day.

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