Another Dreamer’s Rambling

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These days I can’t help feeling a little bored and disillusioned with life. It’s hard to explain exactly why this melancholy has fallen upon me, but I feel almost as though reality has nothing very exciting to offer anymore. I can see my life mapped out before me, very clearly–a lot of studying, followed by working, then perhaps meeting someone and starting my own family, going on holidays if I can save up for them and spending time with family and friends—and it just doesn’t seem the least  bit novel or interesting. Reality is bland, as bland as the world you see before you at the very moment, and perhaps this particular dreamer is being too ungrateful—after all, reality still has many wonderful things to offer, think of the wonders of nature!—but that is the way I feel at the moment, and that, I believe, is the way things will stay.

Everything seems like a game to me, with money the social lubricant. All of society is set up like some immense game, with investments in particular things, like stocks or education, leading to increases in money, which leads to increases in pleasures, like nice food or holidays, bigger houses and better cars. Very shallow and materialistic, if you ask me, and also very isolating; I don’t know about you, but there’s something about modern society that feels very lonely, as if people, in their cars, on their way to work, or driven by some force to be separate from one another. This “game-like” quality to society was one of the reasons I got so depressed a while back—I felt like I couldn’t play the game at all, because  I was such an introverted daydreamer that no jobs were suited to me, and I couldn’t succeed as a writer—though thankfully I am no over that and once more feel myself to be capable of being a productive member of society. So this dreamer will play the game, if only for a chance to gain at some happiness.

I can’t imagine finding someone, though, and by “someone”, yes, I do mean a significant other. Sometimes, to reassure myself, I remind myself that there are 7 billion people on the planet for a reason, so that even the most introverted and awkward of people certainly eventually find a mate. Still, it is hard to imagine someone entering my life in that particular way, if you know what I mean, something so entirely foreign and strange about it. I’m so accustomed to life revolving around my mother and brother that I can’t envision another person entering the scene, penetrating the defences of my heart, and becoming enfolded into my life. As a child, I longed for the typical marriage, for the perfect white wedding and my Prince in Charming, but now that I’ve grown older, my view on love and romance as changed, become more realistic, and all I hope for is someone who is reasonably good-looking, has a job and life of his own, and is kind. Even the idea of someone expressing interest in me is  unbelievable, to the point where if someone actually did show an interest in me,  I think I could feel as though reality had warped out of shape for a split second, gone awry.

Until July, which is when my course starts, I won’t have much to do–and finding a part-time job, for this particular introverted dreamer, has not been the easiest of things–so I’ll probably be posting one blog post a day, simply because I have so much spare time, and because my fiction writing crawls along at a snail pace, at the rate of a page a day, to stave off boredom. So I’m definitely back for good, though I’m not too sure how I am going to fill the next four months. I’m thinking of doing some volunteering, or perhaps visiting the library a little more often than I already do, to borrow books to read, and seeing as I have nothing else to do a little housework. It’s still not much, though, and I’m afraid of my depressive episode returning if I stay at home for too long doing nothing very much. C’est la vie.

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5 thoughts on “Another Dreamer’s Rambling

  1. I appreciate your writing. It is soothing and medicinal for me, and I usually feel like I could have written pieces of it myself, because I feel the same way about what you say. For example, “Everything seems like a game to me, with money the social lubricant. All of society is set up like some immense game, with investments in particular things, like stocks or education, leading to increases in money, which leads to increases in pleasures, like nice food or holidays, bigger houses and better cars. Very shallow and materialistic, if you ask me, and also very isolating….” I feel the same way, and by calling it what it is, I have been rejected by people who choose to live in “reality” as status quo, rather than reality that is what is prayed for.

    • Yes, that is the reality, and the unfortunate truth is if we want to eat and keep a roof over our heads, we have to “play” the game as well. Thank you for reaching out, as it has helped me also to feel less alone in my thoughts.

  2. I understand that real life can seem bland when you have lived so much of it in imaginary worlds, but there’s also something about reality that makes it extremely wonderful.
    And about finding ” a significant other”: You’re so young! Okay, you’re older than me, but trust me, you still have a lot of time to find someone with whom you can form a family. A lot. Really. Maybe you’re putting too much importance on romance. I know it may seem impossible for somebody like you (and me) to be in a romantic relationship, but remember ther are people out there that are just like us, and they managed to do it. I think you have the same problem as me: you think you’re under a spell and nobody can get close to you, because you’re so different. But one thing I learned this last year is that everyone is much more like everyone than it appears at first. We are all so similar… and the older we get the more we all become alike.

    Oh, and since you won’t be very busy until july you could start drawing. I know it may seem random, but it’s really therapeutic and who knows, maybe you will find a new passion. How I wish I had more time to draw!

    PS: Do you mind reading long comments? I have a lot to say but usually try to keep it short.

    • No, I don’t mind long comments at all, in fact, I like them very much! Thank you for your wonderful advice, it really helped to feel a lot better about myself, especially the advice you gave about finding a significant other. You’re right, I still do have plenty of time, and it is always good to remember that even though INFPs do have a tendency to feel isolated and different, we are all human and much more alike than first meets the eye. 🙂

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