Diary Entry 3

Nothing much has been happening in my life lately, and I couldn’t think of a good topic to write about, so this will be another rambling entry, a peek into the life and mind of another human being. I haven’t been sleeping well these past few days, and it’s been bothering me. I can’t seem to get comfortable. I don’t much like beds, strangely enough; I find them to be dull and lonely places, and much prefer sleeping in public places, on transport and at libraries. There’s just something so awful about sleeping by yourself in a stuffy bed in a room all by yourself that I ended up watching three Youtube videos last night—each of them of a woman holiday in Virginia Islands, Venice and Morocco—before spending the rest of the night lying in bed trying to fall asleep and failing terribly. To be honest, very few things interest me these days, not books I used to like, not films. All of reality is starting to feel dull, except for my own reading of nursing topics, such as health assessments and anatomy. There’ s just something so fascinating about disease, and the human body; all of life is such a miracle, even when things go wrong. I think it would be good for my studies to start soon, if only so I can have some human interaction and make some more friends. These days, since I have nothing much to do except study nursing topics and do a bit of creative writing, I try and leave the house and go to the library everyday, just for a change of environment and so that I can be around other people. I might be introverted, but even the most  shy and hermit=like of introverts would grow depressed spending hours by themselves in an empty hours for days on end, as I have been doing.

Let’s see. What else is there to talk about. The purpose of pieces like this is for you to feel almost as though you are having a conversation with me, in person, though in reality it’s really basically my substitute for friendship at the moment, since I don’t have many friends and likely won’t be making any new ones anytime soon. I find it very hard to find good friends. Sometimes, people just don’t get along, no matter how polite and affable both parties are, it’s a very strange and peculiar thing. In fact, apart from friends I’ve made online (and mostly through this blog), I don’t think I’ve ever met someone I felt completely comfortable and happy around. Maybe my father, perhaps, but he has long left the arena of my life, so there’s no point in dwelling on that anymore. Good human company is rare. That’s why I spend so much of my time alone. I wish I could get a cat. I love cats, and they make great company, in a soft and silent way. I wonder what it is about myself that makes it hard for me to find friends? Is it my personality? I’m a very quiet, subdued, calm person, who likes writing and daydreaming, so I think people I would get along with would be particularly kind or sensitive people, who can see beyond an introverted exterior into the heart of the person within. If I ever get a boyfriend, he would certainly have to be a very kind and patient man.

It worries me, my introverted nature. I don’t know how I am going to cope with the constant social interaction as a nurse, though I suppose I could just act as a medical professional and get the job done without engaging in too much social chit-chat. Oh, here’s something interesting that happened recently: after a long drought, I picked up my creative writing again. Only a little of it, because writing fiction for too long tires me out, but I’m writing again, at the very least, which is always a good thing. I don’t know what I want at the moment. I feel  kind of quiet and lost, like an orphan sitting on the steps of a house holding a cat in her lap, silently looking out at the world moving past around her. Lately I’ve been realising how very ordinary I am, and how I will simply live and die, and that will be that. It’s not a nice thought. Surely there must be something more to life than the world we see before our eyes?

Where is my place in this world? Where do I belong? In books, in worlds of the imagination—but even they, these days, are starting to feel empty. I don’t know quite how to explain it, but even books these days are starting to seem ordinary, because they were created by human hands and human minds. I want something otherworldly to happen to the world. I want magic to be real and true. I want angels to descend from the skies and hell fires to burn in people’s fireplaces. There was once a time when even a Vegemite sandwich was a source of novelty and delight for me, but now, everything seems so—so irritatingly ordinary. I don’t know if I am making much sense. Maybe it would be a good idea for me to spend a little money and go watch a movie or something, just to spice things up a little, or at least make plans to save for traveling somewhere so I do not entirely lose my zest for life. Existence just seems very pointless, really, and all our efforts, all pleasures and joys, silly and meaningless. Not even cupcakes cheer me up. It’s not good.

 

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7 thoughts on “Diary Entry 3

  1. I think it will be easier when there is a professional purpose to the interaction. I think to myself, when I become an intern, I will get a chance to improve my social skills everyday and if I fail and fail and fail, at the very least, possibly the failures would feel a bit more comfortable to live with since you simply have to move on from the previous one, no time to overthink things. I’m not sure. And what you wrote about finding a friend truly resonates with me. I also ask almost eveyday: “What is it with me that they don’t want to be friends with me?” Still thinking the problem is with me because people are just so good, so nice, so beautiful, maybe not perfect -I see that- but it doesn’t matter even the imperfection fits them well. Lately I’ve been yearning for a romantic relationship I can’t deny. It has never been this intense: to open up my heart to someone, warm and peaceful, wild and honest, to pour my soul without any hesitation or fear. Surely I think this also has its roots from the human biology, that doesn’t matter anymore. There is this need of deep connection. And I’ve been struggling with studying not because the material is something I can’t deal with, but because my mind and my heart is so cold that they can’t find a meaning anything I’m doing, they desire the warmth of a soul. I guess.

    • I completely understand, that’s the way I feel a lot of the time as well. I yearn for the comfort of another understanding soul, but each night I go to sleep alone, quite lonely and a little sad. I hope you find someone soon; this life is boring and frightening enough without going through it by yourself.

  2. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing a snippet of your life. Beautifully written. Fealt like i was talking to you.

  3. Hey there! I just read your post Dreaming. Living. Loving – Feb 12 2014 and I am quite happy to see you are still blogging. Let me tell you there is nothing wrong with you. I would not give you suggestions and everything because I know nothing works until you feel it yourself. But I would tell you that everyone suffers this thing now and then some people show some people don’t. Don’t get misguided by what other people are showing to you people to wear fake face in public. You yourself living your life what can be more important than that who cares what other people are thinking about you they are not helping you out in any way then why you need to pay attention to them. And I love introvert sensitive people rather than cool fake people :).
    I am a dance artist and from pharma background and lots of love from me to you :*
    If you wish watch my dance videos https://www.youtube.com/lafonceur and engage yourself in dancing it will make you light and happy 🙂

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