Diary Entry 6: Wistful

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Well, it’s almost 10pm at night, and I am sitting in front of the laptop, by myself, feeling quite lonely and depressed, as I usually do. And, as usual, these posts are meant to make you feel like you are having a conversation with me, an ordinary young woman who feels herself to be quite insignificant a lot of the time. Let’s see. What is there to say? Well, I thought I would be bored until July, which is when my Age Care course starts, but it turns out I will be joining a Retail course on the 10th of April, something that will keep me occupied for hopefully some time, which is good. Lately, I have also been reading a good deal of the Harry Potter series, because whenever I get depressed, I get this urge to escape into another world, and Harry Potter is one of the best, most well-written magical fictional worlds that exists. I’ve also been trying very hard not to have flashbacks about this young man I used to like. I don’t think he ever liked me–in fact, I have a feeling he thought me quite insane and obsessive, the details of which I would rather not recount—but in typical INFP fashion I admired him from afar, and he still lives in my heart, quite as strong as ever, even though it has been more than a couple of years since I have seen him.
Hm. Everything I write in this post will undoubtedly make you feel much better about your own life. I was very tempted to overdose on pills today because I simply saw no future for myself. I am going to eventually train to be a nurse, but I hardly–well, I’m just not sure if I have the right personality for it, if I’m really even cut out for the job. More than twenty times today I have either lain down on the bed or the floor, praying to God for things to change or wishing that I had never been born. I was bored a lot of the time as well, because there are still ten days—ten miserable days—until my retail course starts and I can begin getting out of the house and doing things. i keep on having this secret feeling that if I just hold on for long enough, if I just keep living, eventually, something good is going to happen and my entire life will turn around. But nothing has happened, and I am beginning to grow afraid nothing ever will, until the day I die. I feel incomplete. I feel like my entire life I have been holding my breath, waiting for something to happen, and—well, I’m still holding it, and probably will do is until my deathbed. I mean, what I want to know is, is this all there is? I feel as though there should be something more to life. I want shooting stars and meeting handsome strangers in midnight cafes and chocolate birds that really fly. I don’t know if I’m making much sense. it’s just that reality is so intolerably dull, and I yearn for some escape from it, I really do.
The truth is, I hate life on planet Earth. One of the happiest times of my life was when I had a psychotic episode, and believed I was an angel on a mission for God, because then, magic, even though it was all inside my head, for a brief moment, was real and true, and I felt at home. I’m not sure how much more of reality I can take, or how many more times I can, inside my head, bang my head repeatedly against the wall in exasperation. I just wish I could ride on a Ferris Wheel at sunset for all eternity–though I suppose even that would get boring after a while—rather than spend my days in complete boredom living an average, day-to-day life. it’s why I feel suicidal, really; I am someone who hungers for novelty and variety, and this world can only show so many faces. I am exhausted by the dullness of life. As an INFP, I do believe I have lost my sense of child-like wonder and delight. Nothing is delightful or wonderful anymore, not even books; and I am left sitting by myself in the dark, alone and with empty hands, praying for a miracle that never comes.

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7 thoughts on “Diary Entry 6: Wistful

  1. I understand.

    I’m not sure what else to say. You may not realize how many people in this world are feeling the same as you are; “I want shooting stars…” and ” I feel incomplete.”

    I don’t want to be a negative commenter, but I’m going to say what I think, anyway. I don’t believe your mentality will shift all that drastically once you start retail work, or any kind of work. I go to school five days a week, busy as heck, and within every moment of the chaos, I still feel the way you do. In the beginning, the work may alleviate some of the boredom, but soon it will become part of your routine, just like your praying has become almost routine. And let’s be honest, does the praying help at all? Maybe a little? You tell me.

    Maybe this question will help.

    If you had one day left to live, what would you do—right now?

  2. Just wanted to add; music is my escape from reality. I’m not sure what kind of music you prefer, but I fell deeply in love with a certain genre of electronic music specifically because it sounds like it’s from a different world. I’d be happy to share with you some songs (don’t feel pressured to listen if you don’t want to, of course). Here’s my favorite by M83: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPaK9Ih2jOQ

    “Rules of conformity, heavy clouds of reason.
    They’re hiding the beauty of your free distortions.
    On your own.
    Can you do it?
    The unknown.
    Can you face it?
    With your soul, now you see it.
    The landscape is infinite.”

  3. It’s scary that a person like you can’t find anything delightful or wonderful anymore. I don’t know what to say… How could it be that sunsets are no longer wonderful? Or people’s eyes when they smile? Or a sorrowful piece of music on a violin? I’ve been following this blog for a while and it really seems like you’ve been gradually loosing something. Your earliest posts made me see the wonder i was missing, and thanks to you i discovered new colors and feelings, but your posts have become darker and grayer with time. Is it called growing up? No, i don’t think so. You still have the little infp child in you, it’s just that the depression is clouding everything. This may be naïve of me, but I really think there is magic in reality if you know how to look. You showed me this about three years ago. Maybe it would help to surround yourself with other people’s world views. I hope someday you’ll see the beauty again.

    • Hi again. This doesn’t have much to do with my previous comment, it’s just that I’ve been thinking a lot about fictional humans in general and you’re way more experienced than i am when it comes to fictional people. Do you think it’s too strange to create people in your head and think about them and treat them las if they were real? It’s a need. I need to get inside my characters’ minds and see their world… These fictional people keep me sane, but… at what cost? Will what keeps me sane cost my sanity? Am I selling my soul to madness? Is it worth it? Are we all crazy? Where should I cross the line? Ah, I could talk about fiction and the imaginary for days… I’m worried about my mental health. I hope you understand.

  4. I didn’t realize you were as young as you were, until I read one of your last posts. You’re so very talented. Incredible that you are struggling with depression, but still creating! When you create, you bring something to life. I know I’ve been inspired. I believe “each of our creations is a connection to all of creation”, and when we stop creating anything we lose our life spark and we find death is just one way we can lose our life. I don’t know that depression will ever leave you, It may be a dark passenger, but I think you will find it’s power diminishes with age and wisdom. You’re in the spring of life blooming into summer. I just want to say you are beautiful. A beautiful spark of life in the universe! ❤

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