Inside This Dreamer’s Heart

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It is exactly 9:23 pm, give or take a couple of seconds, and I am sitting on my bed, along in the light of my lamp, typing up my thoughts. I don’t feel particularly sad, nor particularly happy either; since discovering keeping busy is the only way to keep depression at bay, I have been doing just that. Instead of picking up a book and skimming through it in a lacklustre fashion, I have been actively reading, letting the sentences sink into my mind; when watching a Chinese TV show, instead of just focusing on the English subtitles, I’ve been trying to absorb the language.

Was that a particularly boring start to this post? I apologise. Sometimes, I forget that my life is far more interesting to myself than it is to other people. Isn’t it interesting, all of us living our lives? Isn’t interesting, the way we are all created the same way, born the same, and yet, in this world, of digitalised technology, fewer and fewer relationships are being formed, and fewer children being born in developed countries? Humanity is evolving, and I don’t know if in entirely a good way.

Look. You. Me. Staring at a computer screen, inside our own bedrooms, which have their unique aura and scent, living our lives, going to work or school, hanging out with friends, lovers, people, playing with cats and dogs. Our lives intersect, in so many ways, and sometimes, if I imagine hard enough, I can push myself into someone else’s life, feel their room, see the video game they are playing, the anime they are watching. I can be someone else, because we are all interconnected. We come from the same place, all of us, stitched out of the matter of the universe itself.

I don’t know where my life is going. I only recently realised keeping engaged in whatever task I am doing, be it listening to music or reading a book, only by being 100% engaged, every second of the day, can I keep the monster of depression at bay. It’s like lighting a fire to keep away the lions. Scary, isn’t it?

I’m a dying fairy. I can honestly say that. It’s as if this is a world full of iron, and I am being slowly burned away, from the inside out. Iron is anathema to faeries. Humanity keeps swimming around me, and I feel myself stranded on my own island, looking out, making no connection with anyone. I’m on this journey called life, and while I feel as though life is something quite momentous, I can’t seem to touch its grandeur, and instead am left with emptiness. I shy away from iron. I do. I cringe away from it, cry out in pain as iron pushes up against me, right against my skin. I am burned. I am dying. A tiny fairy, fluttering frantically like a butterfly, lost in a world of poison.

As I’m writing this, I am listening to an artist called Phildel. I can honestly say she is one of my favourite artists on this entire planet, especially her song Beside You, which is soft, lyrical and haunting. I don’t know how people find boyfriends, or lovers. I really don’t. I’m a lonely 20 year old, and whenever I step out into the world, I see a busy place of busy people too busy for relationships, too busy to stop and notice anyone, to speak and blush and flirt. No wonder the birth rate is declining. Relationships have always been foreign to me. And I’m afraid they always will be.

This blog has been a chronicle of my life. Every moment, every sensation and thought and feeling, I have poured into this blog, since 2013, when I first started it, out of the blue, just for fun, never thinking it would get any views, that people would care to read what I wrote. When I was full of dreams, and still lived in a relatively loving family. I haven’t seen my father for more than three years now, I think, since the divorce, and I’m afraid he is now in a place where I can never reach him. Do I care? Maybe not. Right now, I’m worried about how I will occupy my time for the next fifty or so years, at least until virtual reality kicks off and I can dive into escapism for good (only joking). The word “joking” frightens me sometimes, because it reminds me of “joker”, and I find jokers, particularly because of popular media, to be extremely disturbing and frightening. That’s how neurotic I am. Now I’m listening to Runaway by AURORA. I put Youtube on autoplay, so the words and the flowing notes of the song are washing over me, like watery silk.

It’s at times like this, quiet and silent, alone, lonely, that I wonder what life is all about. During my more depressed moments, I have wished to never have been born; I mean, life seems like a dream, half the time, and it passes so quickly. You cannot imagine how quickly the last 20 years have passed. Now I understand what 50 year olds mean, when they saw time passes so quickly. I don’t know what I want form life anymore. My dreams of getting published have melted into a puddle. I can’t—it isn’t—you can’t pick up water, you know? My dreams are gone. And so I am left with smaller dreams, bite-size pieces, more manageable, less sparkly and beautiful: to have enough money to buy food that I like, like fruit juice and hummus, to keep myself busy for the rest of my days, to not fall into the pit of depression. Eventually, I will post my book on my blog. Maybe i’ll even sell it on Amazon for a couple of dollars. Maybe only a few of you will buy it, but that doesn’t matter, because at least someone in the world read it and appreciated it. I love my book. And it makes me so sad that the publishers don’t love it at all.

Isn’t it funny, how different houses can have a different feel to them? I have moved many times in my life, and each time, each house had a different character to it. Even the walk home, to a particular house, had a different, unique feel to it. To be honest, I don’t know what went wrong. How did I go from a vivacious 15 year old to a depressed, unemployed (so far) 20 year old? It doesn’t make any sense. Nothing does. It’s as if everyone else around me in society is a robot, sometimes, and I’m the only real person. That honestly how I feel. Rushing from work, to home, to their friend’s place, to their boyfriend or girlfriend’s house. Always rushing. Paying for things. Buying. Working. Somewhere along the line, I got left behind.

Someone please come back for me.

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8 thoughts on “Inside This Dreamer’s Heart

  1. Cordelia I don’t even know if you are going to read this. You said something about not getting the time to read your mails. But still I have to write this in the hope that you might read it. It is exactly 8:18 pm here, give or take a couple of seconds. I don’t know I just really liked this starting line of your post. Reading your blog always makes me feel a little less lonely. You are so much like me. You have such raw talent in writing. Its so hard to believe why any publisher wouldn’t wanna publish your book. You know what? If I was a publisher I’d definitely publish your book! And please don’t take it lightly, these words are coming from a extra dedicated reader whose ultimate dream in life is to live in a countryside in a small house with a big library and hopefully a husband who wouldn’t get annoyed when I cry in the middle of the night because my favorite character died. I so hate it when it happens. Enough of my rambling now. I do hope you read this. BTW its me,Kajal 🙂

    On Mon, Apr 16, 2018, 5:20 PM Dreaming. Living. Loving. wrote:

    > Dreamerramblinginfp posted: ” It is exactly 9:23 pm, give or take a > couple of seconds, and I am sitting on my bed, along in the light of my > lamp, typing up my thoughts. I don’t feel particularly sad, nor > particularly happy either; since discovering keeping busy is the only way” >

    • Aw thank you so much Kajal, I love you. I think your dream is wonderful, and I so hope it comes true. Thank you for your words—they mean so much to me. I’m glad my blog eases your loneliness, it makes writing completely worth it. I wish you were my publisher! Eventually, if no publisher wants my book, I’ll publish it on amazon or something, and you can read it, then. It’s a lovely little book; I’m very fond of it. Thank you. I sincerely thank you. Much love, Anne

  2. Anne, your writing is always so fascinating and vivid and comforting! You are so caring, and so genuine, when most people hasten to throw up a rational, glossy facade over their vulnerability and their pain. I admire you for that. Even if I am lonely sometimes like you, I am grateful to no end that I can almost listen to you speak as if you were right here.

    ‘100% engaged’–I would have spoken in terms of focus, singletasking, or mindfulness, but I wholly agree. It’s a struggle to say no to the purportedly urgent distractions and focus on what one cares about most. But that’s the only thing worth doing, because one’s attention is the most precious thing! It is the lifeblood of the soul. It is what makes romance magical, that the two of you are special in each other’s eyes and listen rapt to each other.

    ‘fewer and fewer relationships’–We could speak of our own personal struggles in this area, but I read about how the Japanese people our age struggle extra much. That makes me tear up, one of the dearest cultures to me, where the young people are now so lonely, struggling to care for their elders, pay off debt (especially government debt), find stable work (or if they do find stable work, their 70-hour-a-week job sucks the soul out of them), and after all that it’s no wonder that they despair of finding love, let alone raising a family.
    And then inevitably we come back down into our own rooms and wonder again which paths lead to fulfillment for us.

    Music is so healing, as you point out again. It comforts and soothes when we’re alone, it bonds us with our kindred spirits when we find them. I think Alma Deutscher’s bittersweet piano concerto will speak to you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kURlp17F1wo

    ‘I don’t know how people find boyfriends, or lovers.’ I don’t either. It’s hard to see online dating sites as anything besides a dead end. I suppose I’ll hire a matchmaker some years down the road if I can ever afford the hefty fees. It’s tough to search and work and wait and wonder for a satisfying enough job (I’m about to start a three-month job, so job-hunting begins again as soon as it ends), and for love, and for your dreams to come true.

    But somehow, I don’t want you to have to go through the feeling that you’re dying already, that you’re left behind, that maybe you shouldn’t ever have existed… You are special, Anne, even when it doesn’t seem that anyone’s around or cares. =/ Thank you for keeping me company the past few months. I want to do that for you too whenever it would make you feel better. ···Andrew

    • Hi Andrew,
      Your comment—no, your lovely words—touched me more than you can possibly know. It is readers like you that make everything worth it. I am so glad I have made you feel less lonely, and kept you company, these past few months; it really touches me, and makes me feel less lonely, too. Thank you for appreciating and understanding me.
      Yes, I am sorry about the situation in Japan as well; it is very sad that such a beautiful culture is struggling with something humans have done for eons, forming romantic relationships.
      Hiring a matchmaker somewhere down the line sounds like a good idea. If I have the money, I might do the same thing, although I would be afraid of getting scammed; that’s just my paranoia talking. I suppose you would have to find someone who was legitimate.
      The song is absolutely beautiful, and you’re absolutely right, I love it!
      I’ll be starting a 12-month traineeship soon. I’m sorry you’ll have to be on the job hunt again after the three months, but I suppose three months is better than nothing.
      Once again, thank you for your beautiful and kind words. You can’t imagine how they have eased the pain inside of me. Thank you. Take care, and I hope you have a happy life and day.

      • Thank you for writing, Anne! You’re amazing.

        ‘Is this all that life has to offer?’ I don’t think it has to be.

        I find sunrise a powerful morale booster. You can’t go from bedtime at midnight to rising with the sun all the sudden, but transitioning spread out over a few weeks it’s easier and more rewarding than a chronic night owl might think. (If you choose to do that, you get to go to bed earlier too — please don’t try burning the candle at both ends!)

        I write down everything potentially significant to make it easier on my brain, from appointments and tasks to every glittering slice of magic I can stir into my life when life gets mundane, to remember what I value and what works for me. I write down every inspiring song I come across. I wrote down today when I discovered that black treacle tastes terrific in oatmeal and puts chocolate and beer to shame. I keep Christmas wallpaper on my phone all year round. ❄🎄⛄

        I’m always interested in your reactions and thoughts. I don’t want to lecture, but just compare notes and I’m just trying to think of what may give you some relief. Next time you’re bored, https://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/music.html is a free music downloads site where you can filter songs by ‘feels’. I gravitated towards such moods as ‘mysterious’, ‘calm’, and ‘mystical’, but undoubtedly you’d find some stuff you like there.

        Most important of all, I wrote that nothing makes me feel as good as making someone else feel better. You made my day with your beautiful answer yesterday, Anne. Made my month. Connection with /your people/ provides 80% of the magic we seek–I think even music is so special largely because it lets us feel that kind of connection. I hope we can stay in touch. I’ll stay tuned for news of how your traineeship pans out. Life will be strange, but every day can bring its own unassuming blessing, I am confident that there is much joy waiting for each of us.

      • Thank you so much for sharing your joy and positivity! I felt myself grow lighter, just reading your words. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I will try some of those tips, such as waking up early to see the sunrise, and writing down things which made me happy today. Your outlook on life is absolutely wonderful. My connection with you has been a great blessing. Thank you.

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