The weekends always feel strangely nostalgic to me. I don’t know why; there’s just something about the way the day ends, slowly and with a sinking feeling, like a cube of sugar being dropped into a cup of black coffee, that makes it feel like a dark, bittersweet time of the week.
I start thinking back to my childhood, mainly my father, and the good times I spent with him. My childhood was peppered with good memories of my father, and it half-killed me when he left me. I felt lost and abandoned. I’m completely whole now, but sometimes, on the weekends, when the sun is starting to set, I begin to feel a certain longing for oldtimes, for childhood, and magic, and pure moments.
As I type this, I’m listening to Taylor Swift’s 1989 album, specifically the song I Wish You Would. Out of all her albums, 1989 is my favourite; I find it nearly impossible to get sick of any of the songs on it, whereas with some of her older songs, I find it hard to play them on repeat.
I wish you would come back, wish I’d never hung up the phone like I did, I wish you knew that, I never forget you as long as I live. Those are some of the lyrics that are playing as I type this, sitting alone in my bedroom, on my laptop, dreaming of magical moonbeans and unicorns that prance.
It’s quiet. There’s the faint rumbling of a motorbike outside, the swoosh of cars. And now the song has changed, to a number called All You Had To Do Was Stay.
Nostalgia is a funny feeling. It’s an ache inside your chest. It almost feels like a watered-down version of heartbreak, although I haven’t experienced heartbreak myself—I suppose it’s a watered-down version of how I imagine heartbreak to be. You are full of longing for something you can’t describe, for something you once had but now don’t, for something you lost but don’t remember. It’s a Jack-in-the-Box of a feeling.
I almost want to turn back the hands of time. It seems only yesterday I was still in primary school, having fun with friends, basking in the glow of a father and mother, playing games with my sister, spending my days listening to Taylor Swift’s country songs and reading and writing my heart out. A lot of things have changed. Since I was a child, I thought I’d one day get published, and might have to reconcile myself to the fact that that might not happen. It’s sad. But there are good things happening, too. I’m growing up. I’m dating, I’ve got a job, I’ve got friends, a roof over my head and food in the fridge. Things are good.
Isn’t it funny, how songs can be linked to memories, to particular times of your life? I used to listen to this song called I Know Places by Taylor Swift a lot while I was doing a retail course, and had to travel by train to this place to study and go to lessons, and now, whenever I hear the song, I feel myself transported back to that depressing period of my life, where I was lost and didn’t know which path in the woods to take. I’m in a much better place, now. Depression has kept itself out of my way for about a month, ever since I started my job, I have a little money to spend on myself these days. Yes. Things are good. Nevertheless, nostalgia still exists, and it will always be there, lurking in the corners, not like monsters, or ghosts, not scary, just simply like lost toys left behind by their owners, gathering dust and loneliness.
One song that always puts me in a good mood is Welcome To New York by Taylor Swift. The song feels full of possibility to me. When we first dropped our bags on apartment floors, took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer. It conjures up images of going on holiday, to dazzling cities like New York, entering hotel rooms, giggling with friends, going out for lunch, taking pictures, a whirlwind of fun and joy, young people basking in their youth and the happiness life can bring, faraway from the sordid, the frightening, the dark and miserable. Taylor Swift is wholesome. Her songs are uplifting, and bright, even when they’re about sad things, like heartbreak and betrayal, and there’s something so charismatic about her music. That’s probably why she’s my favourite artist, and will always be.
I’m halfway through another book. It’s about this young woman who meets a faery-man, and the magical adventures they go on together, and the perils they meet. I think, after I finish it, instead of trying to send it to publishers, I’ll type it all up and put it on Wattpad and make it public for people to read. That way, you can finally read some of my longer works of fiction! It’s a story I’m quite proud of, if only for the concepts I managed to come up with, and I hope, when it’s all done, and posted online, that you like it. I’m still thinking of whether I should post another book of mine online; I think it’s not really suited to the Wattpad demographic, who are accustomed to stories about romance rather than children’s books. Let me know if there are any good sites to publish online books, and if there aren’t any, I might just end up publishing it on this blog.
That’s all from me for now. Looking forward to another week at work. I’ll see you in the next post.