An INFP’s Fake Boyfriend


What? Oh. Erm. Suuure. I have a boyfriend. His name is—is Tim. Tim…um. Tim Um. Yes. Strange last name, I suppose, but that shouldn’t be a deal breaker now, should it?

What does he do? Oh. He does lots of things. Yes. Lots. Erm. He works as a plumber. Yes. Likes to get into the guts of plumbing, he does, fix things up. You know what that’s like, when the urge comes. And he loves to go fishing on the weekends.

See, Tim and I, we’ve been dating for over a year now, only I never told you, because I was afraid—I mean, I am afraid, that he is a little on the shy side. Yes, you wouldn’t expect it, not from a great, big burly plumber, but he’s rather timid, really, which is why I like him, I suppose. We met at a fish shop. Yes. I was just standing in line, minding my own business, thinking about whether I should get tomato sauce with my chips, when suddenly, he came forward, and asked me if I had any change. And I told him I didn’t, of course, because I was so flustered and he was a stranger, but then he went on to say that he didn’t really need any change, he just needed an excuse to talk to the beautiful lady in front of him in line. Yes! It was love at first sight, of course, and terribly romantic.

As for our future, we’ve got it all laid out. We’re going to buy a small Victorian house somewhere in the southern suburbs of Australia, and we’re going to have two kids, one boy, one girl. His personality? Oh, he has a wonderful personality of course, absolutely perfect. He’s very mild-mannered, never shouts, is never aggressive, if you know what I mean, and he loves poetry, and he loves to draw and write, and dance. It really is quite perfect.

You know, he’s taking me on a date to Paris this year. Yep, Paris. Plumbers might do dirty work, but they earn quite enough to live by, and together, we’re going to see the Eiffel tower, enjoy the sights, drink hot chocolate in front of this little cafes, and buy baguettes in those paper bags and ride on bicycles with the baguettes in the baskets and nibble on cheese just like real French people. It will be absolutely marvellous. Janice and John. That’s what we’re going to name our kids. Yes. No, absolutely not, wouldn’t dream of it—they’ll get a wholesome education, the both of them, at a nice private school. Yes. Good-looking? My dear, good-looking doesn’t even cover it. He’s got dark hair, beautiful dark eyes, very strong, too, because of all the plumbing he does, and when he smiles, the edges of his eyes crinkle just so, which makes him suddenly look very shy and boyish. He’s simply marvellous and perfect, John. Oh! Silly me! I meant Tim. Yes. Tim is perfect. Little ol’ Timothy. My Timothy. All mine.

And I haven’t even told you about the gift he got me last summer. It was a seashell ring. It was absolutely gorgeous. I said to him, I said, “I don’t want anything flashy, you understand, all those sparkly rocks are just a big waste of money” so he ended up getting me a seashell ring! It’s a tiny little seashell, attached to a silver band, and absolutely gorgeous. I left it at home, so you can’t see it, but let me tell you, it was quite the thoughtful gift. As for our deep, long conversations together—why, they get deeper than you would believe. Since he is a poet—oh, well, poetry is his hobby, you see, not his actual job, he’s a plumber by day, poet by night—he thinks very deeply about things, and there’s so much he knows, so much wisdom and light and laughter and shiny, pearlescent—

When can you meet him?



6 thoughts on “An INFP’s Fake Boyfriend

  1. I really like this!
    What’s the thought behind making the character said the wrong name (John)? Just curious

  2. Thank you for sharing your engaging, lifelike tales with us. (Maybe this one doesn’t seem realistic in a certain sense, but you brought it to life.) I fantasize too sometimes, but it mystifies me a bit that some people have a laundry list of traits that their ideal partner is to have, while I only ask for someone who cares about or values similar things. How narrow a view of what you seek do you feel is preferable?

    • Thank you for liking it! People like you always make my day. As for how narrow, I believe that, while searching for perfection is a good thing, it’s okay to settle as long as the relationship doesn’t feel not right on an instinctual level. Caring and valuing similar things is not too narrow—although it’d be a good idea to try and like someone who likes different things, just to broaden the playing field. What do you think?

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