Don’t Brush Away Discomfort When Interacting With Others

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I don’t know if this is an INFP thing, or if it’s just me, but I have terrible habit, extremely detrimental towards my happiness, of ignoring any discomfort or “warning signs” when I’m interacting with other people and making excuses for their behaviour, words or actions, no matter how bad or ugly they are. It’s as if I’m a doormat, unconsciously, subconsciously, and whatever comes spouting out of people’s mouths or whatever they do to me, I just take it and accept it, like a person standing in front of a gun and willingly getting shot, without any hatred and anger in the moment towards the attacker. Continue reading Don’t Brush Away Discomfort When Interacting With Others

A Ramble About Relationships

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I don’t understand boys.

One moment, they can be incredibly attentive and wonderful—the next, as if to make themselves seem “less available”, they refuse to join in playing games with you (I’m talking about Charades and games like that; not romantic mind games) and or decline to go on outings with all your other friends. It’s as if they need to make themselves seem better and superior, perhaps even unattainable, to gain your interest.

Anyway.

My last post was about a traumatic sexual harassment experience I have had, and, while it took a certain level of bravery to write about it, I’m glad I did, not only because it can be helpful to other women out there, but it was also cathartic for me. As for what I’m getting up to these days, well, it’s a steady work schedule of studying for my librarianship course (yes, I’ve decided to become a librarian!), writing my novels, and reading lots and lots books, and I have to say, keeping myself busy and engaging in activities I enjoy, a privilege, is something which has made me very happy, and realise that, just perhaps, I don’t necessarily need a male partner to feel complete in this life.

Every young woman (or woman, for that matter) yearns for someone strong and solid to lean on, that’s just a fact of life. There’s something about the male presence, if it is to our taste, that is very reassuring and comforting on a conscious and subconscious level. It just feels comforting, to have a man around, or a boyfriend, or a husband—you feel loved, protected, safe. I know some people like the bragging rights relationships can confer—flashing the large, diamond ring on their finger, interjecting their boyfriend or girlfriend into every single conversation—but I’ve never been interested in any of that. No, I’m more interested in it feeling right. In my daily life, as someone who encounters a myriad of people everyday, I meet countless men, on the streets, at the shops, at the bus stop, and while they’re all fine and good, I have yet to meet someone where I have felt we “clicked”. Instead, it’s just an endless parade of strangers, who I feel no attraction for, no pull towards, who are fine-looking and good in their own way, but don’t resonate with me. And I don’t know if I ever will meet someone with whom I just “click” with.

I don’t think it’s about making a list of personality traits, or dividing personality characteristics into categories and then ticking the boxes, or stating, rather matter-of-factly, that you want an artist, or an illustrator, or a journalist, or a writer, as your boyfriend (guilty as charged). Rather, it’s about a kind of ineffable chemistry and attraction which manifests between two people, randomly and out of nowhere, unable to be predicted or analysed. It just is, the way we need to eat food, or the sun rises: when the right person comes along, they’re just right, whether we like it or not. Love, also, cannot be forced. There are lots of things that can be forced in this world—working, for example, is something millions of people across the world force themselves to do, and which even I have to do occasionally, even though I absolutely love the work I do—but love isn’t one of them. Love, true love, cannot be bought with all the money, pearls, jewels and castles in the world, it simply isn’t possible. That’s because it’s genuine, and cannot be faked.

What irks me is when people turn ordinary things like marriage, and giving birth to children, into status symbols. Mothers carry around their babies, proud of the fact that they’ve given birth, that they have such a healthy and wonderful relationship with their partner, that their diamond ring was so-and-so many carats, that they’re so happy, that they have such a nice house in this suburb, and a car, and go on vacations, and have all these extended relatives and friends who they can rely on in times of aid—it’s as if they’re trying to use pure things, like love and children and relationships, to flaunt their own good fortune, wealth and prestige. They collect children like they do rare and valuable objects. They tick things off a list in life, giving themselves a gold star whenever they achieve one of them: fantastic wardrobe, filled with Dior and Chanel; handbags galore; holidays to Bora Bora and Vietnam; a high-paying and high-status job. It’s a little sickening, the way all their relationships, all their desires, are based on the empty and superficial, on accumulating more, of creating more wealth and security, both monetary and social and psychological, for themselves, and for themselves alone. They live in an insular world, where they are the princess or prince, and all their needs and desires reign supreme. People like that are very distasteful, don’t you think?

Then there’s the fact that—I’m going on a bit of a ramble here—some people have that ineffable quality, known as charisma, which makes them fun to watch and listen to. What is that? I have never possessed an ounce of that in my entire life. The closest I can come to describing my own personality, as a self-professed INFP, is that I’m bit of an imaginative, awkward dork. Bespectacled (well, bespectacled 40% of the time, since I don’t wear glasses if I’m not working) and clumsy, with a constant faraway look in my eyes, I think the only kind of person who could fall in love with me is an absolute fantasy and creative nerd. I honestly think that is the case. I certainly don’t view myself through rose-tinted glasses: and the truth is, the person I am, deep down, is just someone in love with creativity, delighted with and full of wonder about the world around me, and the worlds humans can create. That’s the best I can do, in terms of a description of myself.

Do I like objects, like jewellery and handbags, the way other women do? Sure, I like them. Who doesn’t like pretty dangling things, and pretty bags? But they’re not necessary  to my happiness. In fact, I could very well do without them—they’re just nice to have. Am I someone who joins the Australian night scene and goes drinking and clubbing well into the wee hours of the morning? Nope. I’m practically a shut-in compared to those partygoers, spending most of my time absorbed in work, such as the upkeep of this blog, writing my fiction, and studying and working on my librarianship course, as well as keeping up with current affairs and reading journalistic pieces voraciously online because I’ve been born with an insatiable curiosity about life and the world the day I was born. Ahem. In other words, I’m a total nerd.

I like to think someone will fall in love with me one day. Probably he’ll be an idiot, a bumbling fool, with messy good looks and a pencil stuck in his ear (okay, I do really want to marry an artist—sue me) and a head full of daydreams. And one day, we’ll lock eyes, or bump into each other carrying the same book, and it’ll just be kismet, and we’ll live happily ever after, donating the proceeds of our creative work to charities, living in a cottage, growing food in our own garden (and unfortunately probably killing our own chickens—sorry chickens) and rearing our children in an atmosphere of wonder and magic.

Or I could end up alone forever. Which, all things considering, isn’t so bad.

Girls Bring The Boys Out!

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I’ve written quite a few posts on love and romance regarding the INFP personality type, but I haven’t really ever written anything about the INFP women themselves—in other words, while I’ve detailed what INFPs like or want in man, and the kinds of man they might marry, I haven’t yet talked about the kind of partners INFPs women will make. And a disclaimer: I apologise for writing from this only from an INFP woman’s standpoint, and not an INFP man’s point of view—that is because I am an INFP woman, and cannot comment on the romantic qualities of INFP men with accuracy. However, if you’re an INFP man and reading this, feel free to comment and let others know what qualities INFP men bring to a relationship! Second disclaimer: these thoughts and opinions are my own, based on my experiences and interactions with other INFPs and my in-depth understanding of myself; other INFPs may be different, and that’s okay, because we’re all unique. Now, without further ado, lets find what makes INFP women bring the boys out!

Well, to be honest with you, before I begin, the truth is, most INFP women are overlooked by men. Sure, we may be pretty, and lovely, and “sweet” (I loathe that word; I don’t like it when I’m referred to as “sweet”, it makes me feel so flimsy and powerless for some reason) and kind, but we often radiate a kind of “don’t-come-near-me” aura, or a “I’m-lost-in-the-clouds-and-can’t-see-you” type of personality aspect that makes men very wary to approach us (they’re intimidated, in short), and oftentimes, this is a smart move, because us INFPs, being sensitive, can be very particular about the appearance, personality and aura of the man we like. One wrong move, one wrong word or behaviour, or a certain lustful gleam in one’s eye, and we are out like a too-slow person in musical chairs. So finally, for real this time, without further do, these are the qualities INFPs can bring to a relationship, if you can manage to get to be with us (it’s not that we feel superior to men, it’s just that we’re very sensitive and picky and gentle creatures).

1. Intelligence.

We’re a very smart and intuitive bunch of people. That’s just a fact. So be prepared for someone who has the ability to occasionally read your mind, know when you’re telling a whooper, and can sense, with the accuracy and sensitivity of an otherworldly creature, if you’re cheating on us (or even thinking of cheating on us). Let me just put it out there: it’s not easy being with an INFP, because we will look deep into your soul, into the dark and light, and see whether we like what we see—or not, in which case, we will break up with you. Instantly. INFPs, once they’re mature and fully-evolved, never hold onto anything that is bad for them, or toxic. Take it from me. What’s more, we can tell, from a mile away, if you only love us for our appearance or for the opportunity to “get in our pants”, and such men we do not even revile, they’re so beneath our notice.

2. Possible disgust and contempt.

Did you hear me right? Disgust and contempt? INFPs bring disgust and contempt to a relationship? What in tarnation do you mean, Anne? Well, what I’m trying to say is, the slightest thing, since INFPs are so sensitive, can trigger disgust or contempt for a person in an INFP. Let me give you an example. I once dated a guy who decided that the best way to get me “sexually attracted” to him was to go on and on about how much money he was capable of earning. This rubbed me the wrong way. In fact, it made me feel physically ill: he was lecherous, and greedy, and money-grubbing, and all-round entirely horrible. Suffice to say, I didn’t like him very much, and soon broke off the engagement. Likewise, if we can tell that you’re not the type of person to risk yourself to save, for example, a child, or don’t have it in you to make the moral, good choice when the time comes (and trust me when I say we can tell, even if the situation never arises), then we’re not going to be interested in you. Period. In fact, no matter how rich or handsome you are, we will be turned off. INFPs are angelic and pure creatures—we’re the closest thing to a completely kind human being that exists on this planet, and if you don’t measure up to our barometers for purity, morality and kindness, if we so much as catch a whiff of poison or evil in you, then you’re out.

3. Devotion.

If it so happens that you’re attractive to us, both physically and mentally, that you’re kind and pure, and we happen to actually fall in love with you, and our heartstrings actually get entangled with your heartstrings, then, let’s face it, you might as well have made a loyal friend for life. I cannot stress this enough: once INFPs are in, we’re in. We are highly loyal creatures, and our love, the strength of our hearts, knows no bounds. We will be your life partner, we will stand by you, whether lightning or sunshine strikes the sky, and you will never, not on this entire earth, find someone more devoted or caring. This doesn’t mean we’ll be submissive or subservient—devotion doesn’t necessarily entail us being a doormat—but instead, it means, although we retain our independent lives and identities, our existence becomes irrevocably tied to yours, and we would, if necessary, give up our life for you.

4. Have a love for anything exciting or fun.

By “fun” we don’t mean clubbing and waking up with a hangover the next day, or visiting places all around the world; instead, what I’m talking about is the consumption of fiction. Reality is boring. Fantasy is where the good stuff is—where we enjoy ourselves the most, live lives we could have never dreamed of living, be people we could never possibly be in real life; and if, somehow, you share this love for excitement and fun, or better yet, if you provide it, by gifting us our favourite books or movies (without the intention of getting us to fall in love with you; INFPs are immune to bribery), then we’re pretty much going to like you very much. By gifting us books and movies in the genre we love, you are essentially giving us pieces of magic and showing you care and understand us, and if that isn’t swoon-worthy, then nothing is.

5. Be unique.

INFPs are special, in the truest sense of the word; we retain our childlike wonder, have fantasy worlds bursting inside our heads, love animals, are kind to a fault. We are special. Of course, all personality types are special in their own way, but there’s something unique about INFPs. We’re like butterflies: beautiful to behold, fragile to the touch, and incredibly sensitive. Without us, the world would be a much darker and boring place; in a way, we’re almost like creatures of light, dispelling darkness wherever we go. So, by the same token, it helps if you’re quite a creative and unique person yourself, such as a filmmaker, or a writer, or an artist, or a children’s book illustrator, or a painter, etc. Creative types tend to gravitate towards other creative types, because imaginations blossom when they’re closer to other imaginations; and if I had to marry someone, in an ideal world, it would be the illustrator of the pictures and front cover of my future books.

 

So that’s it, so far (I might make a part 2, depending on the reception of this post) of my list of things INFPs might bring to a potential relationship. It takes a special kind of person to love and be with an INFP, and oftentimes, INFP women never find someone who loves them as much as their father or brother loves or loved them. Although we are quite happy on our own, and find solace in being a part of the universe, it’s good to have someone around, to lean one’s head on someone’s shoulder and feel safe and protected. If you’re interested in an INFP women, keeps these 5 points about what INFPs bring to a relationship in mind, so that you’re properly prepared for and aware of what you’re really getting into.

What Makes Other Personality Intimidated By INFPs

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Let’s face it, we’re not exactly the intimidating type, at least by traditional measures, are we? We are gentle, daydreamy, airy-fairy creatures who love animals, books and nature, and would never hurt a fly. Nevertheless, there are certain aspects to an INFP’s personality, depending on how mature and well-developed as a person they are, that make us intimidating to other personality types who may not possess the traits, talents or abilities that we do. Oftentimes, these traits have nothing to do with physical size or beauty (although I’m sure there are lots of beautiful-looking and comely INFPs out there in this world) or wealth or social status, or anything superficial that does not last longer than the breath of a wind, things which others, traditionally, found intimidating when other people possessed them.

In fact, in alignment with our personalities, INFPs tend to be quite slender and small creatures, like delicate will-o-the-wisps, rather ordinary but ethereal looking (our eyes always have this distinct, faraway look to them, as if they are viewing other worlds beyond our own—and they often are), have low social status because we don’t care about flashy cars or mansions, and be often times quite poor, because we’re starving artists living in garrets or with our parents, trying to eke out a living from our craft while holding down low-paying part-time jobs. Nevertheless, the aura of INFPs is a unique and distinct one, and while in the presence of it, and all our other marvellous traits, people can find themselves rather intimidated and awed. So, without further ado, here are some things that make other personality types intimidated by INFPs.

1. Our creativity and imagination.

When it comes to imagination and creativity, our skill set in this department knows no bounds. We are naturally inventive people, capable of works of art, be it books or short stories or paintings or sketches or songs, and often times, displays of this talent can awe and intimidate others, because the have no idea how a person could have dreamt it up. This is a natural ability of INFPs, to create and be creative, and something we are very, very proud of.

2. Our kindness.

INFPs are the kind of people to stop whatever they are doing, even if it is rather important, and save an ant about to drown in a puddle of water by using a stick to help it out. Our respect for nature, for all living creatures and humans, and our compassion and desire to help them, is unparalleled. We are kind, down to our very core, and for those who are less kind, whose hearts are colder and darker, we present as bursts of sunshine that hurt their eyes, and which causes them to feel great resentment towards us, and yes, be intimidated by us. When evil is met with purity, it cannot help, on some level, but be cowed, knowing that it is witnessing and in the presence of something they could, not in a million years, ever achieve.

3. Our insight.

We are good at reading people, situations and social dynamics. It’s just a natural ability of ours, like creativity or the ability to imagine all sorts of interesting and eccentric things. This can completely floor people—”how do you know that?”, they ask, wondering how we were able to pinpoint something about them, such as a personality trait or foible, in just one glance. With one look, one conversation, we can easily determine the character of a person, sometimes their hopes and desires, even their deepest, darkest thoughts (which is not necessarily a good thing, depending on the person in question; such thoughts, if exceedingly dark, can harm an INFP’s psyche quite badly). I used to think everyone noticed the things I did, felt the same discomfort I did around certain people, but the truth is, other personality types, while smart, can be less observant and intuitive when it comes to judging a person’s personality and character, their dreams, hopes and desires. It’s why we make great counsellors, and good mediators, and why it is very, very hard to lie to an INFP (sorry, but we’ll just see right through it).

4. Our daydreamy natures.
Sometimes, INFPs don’t seem like they come from this world; they’re too wishy-washy and full of daydreams, as if, at any moment, they could lift up from the ground and float away like a dandelion seed. To other people, if an INFP shows their true self, we can seem like aliens, come from another planet (which is, quite frankly, how we oftentimes feel). But this part of us can intimidate some people, as our ethereal personalities and natures are foreign to them, and can make them wary, if not outright hostile, towards us. Anything unfamiliar is often met with hostility, and I have lost count of how many times a stranger took one look at the otherworldly, ethereal gleam in my eye and treated me with a certain cautiousness and distrust.
5. Our purity.

I kind of dedicated an entire post to this (see this week’s posts), on how, as an INFP, I am naturally quite a pure-hearted person, so there’s no need to go through that again; but I must add, in accordance with the subject matter of this post, that this is another reason why some find INFPs rather intimidating. We are governed by strong morals and a very powerful, accurate inner moral compass in our everyday actions, thoughts and dealings with people, and that can turn some people off, simply because we make them look bad and sordid in comparison. While others would not hesitate, for instance, to fight over designer handbags in a store during a huge sale, INFPs, being too pure to be materialistic, are more often than not going to be in a corner somewhere with her nose buried in a book, and this blatant show of purity and lack of materialism tends to rub people the wrong way. Losing friends over being too pure or good for them is no matter to us—we’re perfectly fine and happy with our own company and imaginations, which brings me to my next point…

6. We’re astonishingly independent.

Once our living expenses are met, with a cat and a home library thrown in, we can live quite happily ever after entirely absorbed in books and creative pursuits, with little need for human interaction, affection or even love. That’s because we’re oftentimes very in touch with our Creator, rarely feel lonely because we’re always connected to the universe and nature, and find great solace and company in imaginary characters inside films, books and TV shows. Sure, having people around you is nice, and INFPs, while introverted, can feel very warmly towards other people; but for us, nothing beats being alone, by ourselves, lost in a fantasy world. If this independence makes some people jealous, or frightens them off, then it’s their loss—we’re not going to be affected by it, at the very least, because we’ll be too busy enjoying the company of ourselves and other imaginary characters.

7. We’re happy.

Being in touch with the universe and nature, and having creative passions, means that we are oftentimes very, very happy people. Of course, like with all types, depression can hit, and when it does, it’s very bad—but even when we’re depressed, we’re secretly very happy too, because it’s all so dreary and dramatic and fun. Tragedies and comedies might play out across our lives, but either will be equally welcomed, because INFPs love life itself, and anything that is a part of it, be it good or bad, is an object of curiosity, to be analysed and understood and enjoyed. The trick to true happiness is to view everything with wonder and curiosity, and that is just what INFPs do, every single day, every single minute and every single second of our lives.

A Princess Story

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I used to be a princess, pampered and beloved. I spent my days in the palace gardens, playing amongst the flowers and butterflies. Ladies-in-waiting tended to my every need, threading beautiful hairpins into my hair, tying it up into knots and curlicues. I wore the most beautiful gowns, each one lovelier than the last, and had grand, lavish meals in the castle’s banquet room. I dreamed of one day marrying a prince, for him to kiss me under a blue moon, and give birth to an heir to the throne. I wondered what it would be like, to spend the wedding night with him, and how much joy I would have spoiling our children. I loved my wealth, my prettiness and my own grandeur. Everyone loved and flattered me.
Then came the war.
They took everything. My home, my palace. Every servant I had, their throats were cut and slit, their bodies bled dry. My father was beheaded, and my mother, too, and the opposing army’s soldiers, from a kingdom neighbouring ours, had their way with me, in that moonlit room, one after another.
Somehow, I survived. Maybe they got a little tired of the killing. Maybe they thought I was a pretty thing, and I wanted to keep me around for later, like a child stowing away a sweet. Either way, I was kept, I was left alone. They left me there, in that cold, empty bedroom, without anyone by my side except a small kitten.
The kitten and I, together, we grew stronger. I named her Strength, and we formed and built a new life together, on the ashes of the bodies I was forced by the soldiers to haul out into the palace gardens. Every so often, a triage of soldiers would visit the place, and desecrate me. I became pregnant. The children I gave birth to were taken away from me.
Then, one night, a witch visited me, from the closest village, riding on a broomstick up to my window. She whispered secrets in my ear, and touched a finger to my forehead. Having been granted witchcraft, I started practising magic.
When the soldiers next visited my bedroom, I was ready for them.
An onslaught of magic, and they were nothing but smears of blood against the parquet floor. Well. Good job, my princess. Strength, look at what we have done. This is marvellous. Blood-thirsty and filled with vengeful hate, I left the castle, and scoured the land, searching for victims. Any soldier from the neighbouring kingdom I met, I slaughtered. I brought Strength with me, perched on my shoulder, and became known as the Nightmare Witch and her Secret Cat. Day after day, I spent killing those who had dared to take over my kingdom, the magic building in my veins like bile. I found the children I had given birth to, with my eyes, my nose, my skin. I took them, enfolded them in my arms, for they were innocent, for I was strong enough, now, to face the products of my horrific pain.
I built a new kingdom, upon the dead bodies of those who had dared to threaten us in the first place. I called it Hope. I became a queen, instead of princess—no longer did I laugh gaily, or dream of princes. Instead, I laughed, maniacally, at the thought of my lost innocence, and dreamed of a day when men would no longer plunder and slaughter, and realise any crimes in this lifetime are eventually judged by the Great One. And when the kingdom finally crowned me, to much cheering and fanfare, for lifting the shadow from their lands, I did not shed a tear, or unleash a single sob. Instead, I stood tall and proud, and spied the flash of a small figure on a broomstick, flying off into the sunset.

How To Win An INFP’s Heart

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Over the years, I have received a lot of messages from men asking about how to win over INFP women (although, strangely enough, not the other way around; is that part of the discrimination INFP men feel in this world? Sad.) and have decided, at last, to dedicate an entire post to this matter. A disclaimer: while I profess to be quite the quintessential INFP, I am still only one INFP, and what works for one INFP woman or man may not work for another, as all INFPs, despite our shared psychological functions, are unique, individual people, who have grown up against different backdrops and in various backgrounds. So, without further ado, here are some ways to win an INFP’s heart.

1. Not be evil.

This is kind of a given, because the INFP you have sitting in front of you or floating around in your life, I guarantee, has quite a pure and angelic heart, and if, morally, you are not on the same level, they are unlikely to feel warmly towards you, let alone be attracted to you. We do not like evil. We do not like unkindness, coldness, superiority complexes, hardness or cruelty, something which many people in the world have in spades. Therefore, if you want to win an INFP’s heart, the first step is to be a genuinely good person, in and out. The kind of guy or gal who loves dogs and cries at a little at the suffering of others, you know what I mean? Those kind of men and women are the types of people us INFPs adore. If you’re a little cruel, a little harsh around the edges, then you’re only option is to change and do a 180° transformation, because no evil is going to live in the men or women we date.

2. Be romantic.

Ha. I know what you’re thinking. Hey, I’m romantic. I’m very romantic, my dear lady. No, you’re not. I can guarantee you’re not romantic enough. You see, I think you just don’t get it. We INFP’s don’t just want everyday romance. We are romantics, idealists, we live and breathe romance, and consume enough romantic fiction for nearly no human being to be able to possibly match up to our expectations. You need to treat romance as an Olympic sport. You need to be creative, to be original (more on that later). Instead of treating her to a candlelit dinner and some roses, write her a beautiful song completely dedicated to her and sing and play it to her on your guitar (provided you have the talent, of course) or leave a trail of candy, like in the story Hansel and Gretel (INFPs love fairytales! She’ll adore this) all the way to a little gingerbread house you baked, and inside, hidden within the biscuit house, is a small note or poem dedicated to them. Or a little miniature witch and her cauldron—really, it doesn’t matter, as long as it is creative. You need to up your game, mate.

3. Be a creative and original person.

Are you a follower? Are you conventional? Do you have none of your own thoughts, and not a single original bone in your body? Then, sorry, we will not be interested in you. It might sound harsh, but it’s just facts. INFPs are creative people—we are often artists or writers—and if you don’t have that same creative streak in you, it’s very hard for us to love you, very hard indeed. We dislike those who swim with the current, and adore those who swim against it, idealising and deeply admiring those who challenge the status quo. If you’re not an original person, not creative, I would wonder why you are pursuing an INFP in the first place, and why you love her, because one of the things INFPs love to be loved and admired for is their creativity.

4. Be a deep thinker and be complex.

You can’t be an airhead. You have to be a complex, deep sort of person, the kind who can chat with her or him late at night about stars and the universe and personality and men and women and the meaning of life. You must be able to keep up with her or him. Our thoughts can be expansive as the universe. We are so incredibly connected with the Consciousness behind everything, and Mother Nature, and invested in being the best human being we can be, that if you’re not just as complicated and fascinating, you won’t have our interest for long. Ooh, you know what would be a real doozy, that would any INFP definitely interested in you? If you have a tragic past. And therefore have some personality flaws because of that. Us INFPs LOVE wounded, complex people, because it tugs on our heartstrings, and oftentimes, this is the spark that can lead to love. Be a deep, wounded, complex man or woman, and you’ve got it made. But be genuine. Fake something, lie about something, and you might as well break up with him or her forever.

5. Have an intense dislike for disingenuous people.

When people say it’s good to have similar interests to your partner, they’re probably not talking about this—that you should have a shared dislike for disingenuity. INFPs are perceptive creatures, and can sniff out when someone is being disingenuous from fifty miles away. We absolutely hate suck-ups, or people who take advantage of other people, or those who trample on the weak and innocent on their path to riches, fame or success, and if you loathe the same thing, we are, you know, kind of on the same side, and that can create a bond like nothing else. The same goes for you—if you want to attract an INFP, be a genuine person, not fake and simpering, and not only after stupid things like sex and money.

6. Be able to withstand a tempestuous personality.

On the outside, especially to strangers, us INFPs can seem quite shy, delicate and sweet. We’re not. We’re more like silent warriors, whose sword is the pen and whose hearts can shine brighter than the Fourth of July. Our emotions, in addition, are incredibly powerful, and we can be furious, joyous, depressed and wistful all in the same breath. We are complex people, and can flash like summer storms. Be ready to face this part of us, and to love and accept it, if you truly love us and want to chase after us, because if you can’t handle us, we’re perfectly fine on our own, without you.

7. Be wise and brave.

INFPs love wisdom. In many ways, you should have a certain fatherly or brotherly air about you, because this not only makes us feel safe, we also feel as if we can turn to you, like sunflowers towards the sun, for help. Be wise, be brave, be sure, be strong, be capable of holding up the sun and the stars for the right cause, and we will give you our love in return. There’s nothing we hate more than cowards, or people lacking in compassion. Our hearts are like tiny, multi-coloured universes, and we are brave and compassionate people, who have grown up on a diet of books filled with brave and compassionate characters fighting against evil, been taught by the likes of Harry Potter and Katniss Everdeen to be the person we are today. Don’t disappoint us; sourpusses, people who resent others for their success or their creative talent or their happiness, cowardly people who don’t dare to stand up for what is right and true, do not interest us.

8. Be innocent.

Innocent people are kind. Us INFPs love innocent, simple (but not necessarily unwise) men and women, who are kind down to the very depths of their soul. You know this kind of person. They just don’t have a single mean bone in their body. Half the time, they don’t even realise evil is staring at them in the face until it’s before them, that’s how innocent they are. We love these kinds of men and women, and fall in love with them, because we feel the need to protect them and a kinship with them. Nothing makes us fall in love with someone more than kindness. Let me repeat that. Nothing makes an INFP fall in love with someone more than a kind heart. So be innocent, kind, brave, strong, pure and wise, different, and you’ve got a chance at stealing away our heart.