So I’ve changed the theme of my blog recently, as you can obviously tell. I hope you, dear dreamers, like it and if not, I might look around for another theme and see if it might be more suitable. I just felt like a change and plus, the default writing on my old theme was so small.
Truth be told, I have been perfectly average lately. University studies still haven’t started yet so I have just been reading and writing. My writing has been rather lacklustre but I’m still hacking away at it so that’s something, at least. I’m still looking for a job but it isn’t proving easy. A lot of jobs, as a basic requirement, need you to be a competent, capable, levelheaded human being with common sense, and I’m the exact opposite of that. Hashtag INFP problems, as they would say.
Staying at home all the time isn’t doing any wonders for my figure as I end up eating too much food, sometimes just out of boredom. My favourite food is jelly, which is simply packed full of sugar, which is just oh-so-wonderful for my health. I’ve been scarfing down small packets of jelly I found at a Chinese grocery store (mango-flavoured ones). They’re quite addictive; I do recommend them if you would ever like to try them. But yes, so I’ve been eating, and going on car rides with my family when we need to pick up my sister from work. And writing. And preparing for university. That’s it, really.
Something I’ve been thinking a lot of about lately is romantic relationships. Now, as most of you may know, eventually you reach an age where you want to go out and meet people and get close to them, if you know what I mean. I’m the same. I would love to have a boyfriend, quite frankly, and although I don’t want children because I’m afraid I’d be too incompetent a mother and hurt the child, I do want a partner to kiss and do other things with (don’t make me blush!). That’s hardly a crime, is it? I’m only joking, of course it isn’t. It’s perfectly naturally to want to find someone, to pair up with a person of your choice. And when you don’t have someone, sometimes, it can feel like something beautiful is lacking in your life.
I am only twenty-three but I am already suspiciously eyeing that thirty looming ahead in the distance. Seven more years and I’ll be thirty. What will my life be like then? Please, I sometimes think, let it not be the way it is now. Please let me have my life together. Please let me be happy. At the same time, I have been truly learning to practise gratitude and living in the present moment. These two things, when done right, can very much so increase your daily happiness. One concept I also learnt recently was that achieving your goals won’t make you happy. Actually getting the partner or the publishing deal, for instance, won’t make you happy because everyone, whether after a good or bad event, returns to their baseline level of happiness sooner or later. Striving and improvement is what truly allows for an everyday kind of happiness.
But yes, even though I’m twenty-three, that thirty feels like it’s looming ahead of me, and I am starting to feel old. I remember when I was in primary school and barely eight years old telling my friends I would, when I grow up, go shopping with them and buy the things I wanted. Now, I can go shopping and buy the things I want, but my goals have utterly changed. Eight-year-old me could have never predicted what kind of wants I would have in the future. Greater wants than the latest toy or the most beautiful book from the bookstore.
That’s another thing about Sunday nights. They make me feel so blue. I get all melancholy and start thinking about the past. I start wondering if I’m stuck or stagnating in life or if this is just how life is supposed to be. A little bit boring and a little bit tedious and quite tiring. I thought adult life was meant to be full of fanfare and hope and joy. I didn’t know that I’d feel just the same or even worse than I did as a kid. I must say, I do feel rather disappointed and almost want my money back.
There are good things about adulthood, though God knows I hardly feel like a competent adult, even at twenty-three. You can find a partner, for one thing. You can chase your dreams, although you can technically do that as a child. I’m sure there are lots of good things about being an adult that I just haven’t mentioned. But I can think of a lot of bad things about being an adult. One of the worst things about being an adult is when you’ve had a stressful day or week or even month, and one tiny, annoying thing sends you over the edge and you fly into a rage or go into a meltdown. One time, I was so stressed from work for a week that when I washed my hair and it dried and still felt a little greasy because I hadn’t washed all of the shampoo out properly, I nearly flew into a rage and swore. So that’s one lovely thing about adulthood: meltdowns (although, come to think of it, children go through them too, over my banal things of course).
Sometimes, life just feels too difficult to deal with. I have had days where I just stayed in bed for an extra hour or two because just the thought of facing the day was unbearable. What do you when those days happen? Well, you just push on. You keep going. You know, I hate the phrase “just keep going”. I am not good at tolerating pain, mental or physical, so telling me to “just keep going” sometimes is as useful as telling a fish to breathe above water. But when I look back over my life, no matter how much I whinged or groaned or moaned about the problem I was dealing with at the time, the one thing that I did do was keep going. So, basically, I guess what you can learn from me is that you can whine and groan all you want but just keep going and you’ll be fine. Not sure if that was the best advice, but it’s the best advice I can give at the moment.
I do hope, dear dreamers, that you keep well during these still trying times. Take care of yourself because you are worthy no matter what the people you meet say about you or treat you. And if you suffer, just know that I am probably suffering alongside you to some capacity. Until next time, dreamers.