A Heart-to-Heart Tonight

So I’ve changed the theme of my blog recently, as you can obviously tell. I hope you, dear dreamers, like it and if not, I might look around for another theme and see if it might be more suitable. I just felt like a change and plus, the default writing on my old theme was so small.

Truth be told, I have been perfectly average lately. University studies still haven’t started yet so I have just been reading and writing. My writing has been rather lacklustre but I’m still hacking away at it so that’s something, at least. I’m still looking for a job but it isn’t proving easy. A lot of jobs, as a basic requirement, need you to be a competent, capable, levelheaded human being with common sense, and I’m the exact opposite of that. Hashtag INFP problems, as they would say.

Staying at home all the time isn’t doing any wonders for my figure as I end up eating too much food, sometimes just out of boredom. My favourite food is jelly, which is simply packed full of sugar, which is just oh-so-wonderful for my health. I’ve been scarfing down small packets of jelly I found at a Chinese grocery store (mango-flavoured ones). They’re quite addictive; I do recommend them if you would ever like to try them. But yes, so I’ve been eating, and going on car rides with my family when we need to pick up my sister from work. And writing. And preparing for university. That’s it, really.

Something I’ve been thinking a lot of about lately is romantic relationships. Now, as most of you may know, eventually you reach an age where you want to go out and meet people and get close to them, if you know what I mean. I’m the same. I would love to have a boyfriend, quite frankly, and although I don’t want children because I’m afraid I’d be too incompetent a mother and hurt the child, I do want a partner to kiss and do other things with (don’t make me blush!). That’s hardly a crime, is it? I’m only joking, of course it isn’t. It’s perfectly naturally to want to find someone, to pair up with a person of your choice. And when you don’t have someone, sometimes, it can feel like something beautiful is lacking in your life.

I am only twenty-three but I am already suspiciously eyeing that thirty looming ahead in the distance. Seven more years and I’ll be thirty. What will my life be like then? Please, I sometimes think, let it not be the way it is now. Please let me have my life together. Please let me be happy. At the same time, I have been truly learning to practise gratitude and living in the present moment. These two things, when done right, can very much so increase your daily happiness. One concept I also learnt recently was that achieving your goals won’t make you happy. Actually getting the partner or the publishing deal, for instance, won’t make you happy because everyone, whether after a good or bad event, returns to their baseline level of happiness sooner or later. Striving and improvement is what truly allows for an everyday kind of happiness.

But yes, even though I’m twenty-three, that thirty feels like it’s looming ahead of me, and I am starting to feel old. I remember when I was in primary school and barely eight years old telling my friends I would, when I grow up, go shopping with them and buy the things I wanted. Now, I can go shopping and buy the things I want, but my goals have utterly changed. Eight-year-old me could have never predicted what kind of wants I would have in the future. Greater wants than the latest toy or the most beautiful book from the bookstore.

That’s another thing about Sunday nights. They make me feel so blue. I get all melancholy and start thinking about the past. I start wondering if I’m stuck or stagnating in life or if this is just how life is supposed to be. A little bit boring and a little bit tedious and quite tiring. I thought adult life was meant to be full of fanfare and hope and joy. I didn’t know that I’d feel just the same or even worse than I did as a kid. I must say, I do feel rather disappointed and almost want my money back.

There are good things about adulthood, though God knows I hardly feel like a competent adult, even at twenty-three. You can find a partner, for one thing. You can chase your dreams, although you can technically do that as a child. I’m sure there are lots of good things about being an adult that I just haven’t mentioned. But I can think of a lot of bad things about being an adult. One of the worst things about being an adult is when you’ve had a stressful day or week or even month, and one tiny, annoying thing sends you over the edge and you fly into a rage or go into a meltdown. One time, I was so stressed from work for a week that when I washed my hair and it dried and still felt a little greasy because I hadn’t washed all of the shampoo out properly, I nearly flew into a rage and swore. So that’s one lovely thing about adulthood: meltdowns (although, come to think of it, children go through them too, over my banal things of course).

Sometimes, life just feels too difficult to deal with. I have had days where I just stayed in bed for an extra hour or two because just the thought of facing the day was unbearable. What do you when those days happen? Well, you just push on. You keep going. You know, I hate the phrase “just keep going”. I am not good at tolerating pain, mental or physical, so telling me to “just keep going” sometimes is as useful as telling a fish to breathe above water. But when I look back over my life, no matter how much I whinged or groaned or moaned about the problem I was dealing with at the time, the one thing that I did do was keep going. So, basically, I guess what you can learn from me is that you can whine and groan all you want but just keep going and you’ll be fine. Not sure if that was the best advice, but it’s the best advice I can give at the moment.

I do hope, dear dreamers, that you keep well during these still trying times. Take care of yourself because you are worthy no matter what the people you meet say about you or treat you. And if you suffer, just know that I am probably suffering alongside you to some capacity. Until next time, dreamers.

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An INFP and writer, living life, dreaming of castles in the sky.

31 thoughts on “A Heart-to-Heart Tonight”

  1. Hi, thanks for an interesting and reflective read. Sorry that you feel a sense of stagnation and worry about the future. I really relate. It’s good that you’re trying strategies to help yourself, like being in the moment and being grateful – and trying not to focus solely on goals.

    I agree, being an adult and having relative freedom, should be full of opportunities and finding these obstructed is really painful. I really think that, if we can, reaching out to others for support, may help us find the inner strength to deal with this.

    Finding a partner is something that has been on my mind and it seems to me that those struggling with health issues, mental or otherwise, fall into a niche and, perhaps, the mass market approach to dating, such as apps, is not suited for some of us. I suppose, the best option is to find situations in which similarly minded people might be met?

    For some, one’s personal difficulties can make them wonder whether there deserve or are compatible with anyone?

    1. I’m so glad you liked the post, Samuel. Yes, it can be hard to deal with mental health issues or other health issues and to find a partner. It would be like having another barrier to finding people to date. I personally think just being an INFP means one falls into a dating niche. INFPs can be unique individuals and need some quirkiness in their partners.

      Yes, I agree, reaching out to others for support is a good way to find the inner strength to deal with being an adult and life in general. Thank you so much for your comment, Samuel, and I wish you all the best. ❤

  2. You write that you would like to find a partner to hug and kiss and do things that if you would mention specifically what they are you would blush.
    So what is stopping you from finding a boyfriend?
    If I may ask.

    1. Thanks so much Sebastian. Yes, it is not easy. On some days, I feel completely fine without anyone. Then there are the other days when I feel less fine. But thank you for reminding me not to sell myself short—confidence is a thing I’m still working on.

  3. I love this new theme, it’s so cute! And clean.

    Thinking about romantic relationships… you and me both, girl. This really hit me hard, when you said it can feel like something beautiful is lacking in your life. That’s exactly it. Like, I know I could be happy being forever alone, but do I want to? Not really. Especially when you’ve spent years pf your life pining after people, which led to nothing. It hurts.

    Sometimes I feel like maybe I’m the one who’s doing something wrong, you know? Like, the reason I haven’t met anyone, that no one’s expressed their feelings for me is because there’s something about my personality that doesn’t cause people to see me in that way. And it’s so weird because sometimes I see strangers, like walking down the street or whatever, that I find attractive and I think that maybe I should go tell them that. Because I wouldn’t mind if someone did that for me. But I don’t do that kind of sh*t, and maybe that’s what I should be doing.

    I also feel like sometimes physical insecurities hold me back from ever being bold like that. My acne for one thing. It’s been years and there’s no sign of it retreating any time soon. It sounds stupid but I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kiss me because of it.

    For the record, I think you’d make a wonderful mother. You’re kind, empathetic, sensitive, creative—these are all things that can nurture a child. Seriously.

    Also, about your writing… I think the fact that you’re so hard on yourself sometimes is not necessarily a bad thing in terms of being a writer. The fact that you see the flaws in your content and process means that you demand better of yourself, you want to improve. Some people see their own work through rose-colored glasses only, and those people are the amateurs. I feel like I had a less condescending way of explaining that in my head, but I do hope you understand what I mean. I guess what I mean, is the only way to get good, to make progress, is to be your own worst critic. Maybe not always, but a lot of the time, I think that’s how it is.

    Until next time 🙂

    – Karuna

    1. I really relate to what you wrote, especially about wondering if there’s something about my personality that doesn’t make men see me romantically and the idea of going up to people on the street. And I can relate to the acne problem—although I have no acne of my own, I have a deviated septum that makes me a mouth-breather which I think is unattractive. Thank you so much for saying I’d make a wonderful mother, that really touched me. From what I’ve known of you, I think you’d make a great mother too. Thank you Karuna, I really appreciate it. I sincerely hope you find someone soon or eventually. Lately, I have been looking to God more for solace and comfort, and it has helped me feel less alone and more loved. Maybe He could help you too. You never know. ❤

  4. Hey, Dreamer…
    I have a few thoughts, if you’d like to hear them.
    Adult life isn’t about stagnation. Life isn’t about having a few precious things and holding them tight. It isn’t about finding your happiness.
    I know that hurts. But I’ve gone through this, and I think you can too.
    Life is about being the kind of person who has an impact. It’s about finding the things and people that keep the precious moments coming, because those moments are like water. The closer you try to hold them, the more it slips away, and the more you miss how much your really love the water. Keep it coming, though, and you don’t have to worry. It’s okay if you outgrow some things, because there will be other things. More life. You’ll learn to play, to love the water.
    It’s about having peace. Deep, pure, abiding peace, that’s better than any surface happiness. It’s knowing with every breath, every failure, every mistake, that you are –
    bet you thought I was going to say on the right path. I wasn’t.
    That’s the thing. You might think you need to have a path. A career, a love interest, a passion. And what if you choose the wrong one?
    Key: It doesn’t matter.
    You can do whatever you want! Pick different paths. Go back and try a different one. Or make your own. Anything works, so long as you know how to walk.
    To walk is to always try to be a better person and improve, because you are an entire world. You deserve it, and so does everyone else.
    To walk is to always try to help others see their meaning. Help them know they are loved, that they matter, that life matters. To be with someone while they learn to walk.
    To walk is to always try to listen. That voice, the one that speaks quiet truths. Listen.
    People think it matters where they walk. Take the road less travelled? Take the road approved by your family and friends? Take the mountinous way or the forest path?
    What matters is how you walk. Once you’ve learned how to walk, you can walk wherever you want. Maybe you love the sounds of the forest. You can walk there.
    Maybe you find peace listening to the prairie grass rustling in the wind and watching rabbits scamper out of sight. You can walk there.
    Maybe you love the raw, rugged mountain. You can walk there.
    You can walk in all of these places. It doesn’t matter where you walk, or even when.
    It only matters how.
    You are loved, Dreamer.

    1. Hi Amoeba. Sorry for the late reply. Thank you so much for this absolutely gorgeous and beautiful comment. You’ve truly helped me to see this from a different perspective and I love your more selfless view on life. I will keep walking, and instead of focusing on whether I’m happy doing it, I’ll focus on the impact I make, the lives I touch. I’ll focus on how I walk, not so much where I am going. Thank you.

  5. Hey, Anne! I know I haven’t dropped by in a while, even though I had wanted to for a while (I’m sure you can relate to my procrastinating tendencies). I hope you’re feeling better than you were when you wrote this post, which is beautiful, by the way. I’m so sorry to hear life isn’t going as well as you’d like it to. I imagine it must be hard, and I can actually relate because I’ve been feeling similarly recently. I’m not sure why…

    Happiness is such an elusive thing. I’ve heard that “Happiness is not the absence of pain; it’s the presence of God’s goodness making you good for the world.” I like that, but I’m not quite sure what it means…

    I haven’t been keeping you in my prayers recently, but I need to do that, and I’ll certainly pray for you tonight. I know I’ve said this a lot of times before, but praying always makes me feel happier, because Jesus is the one Friend Who loves us more than anyone else ever can.

    It must be difficult to grow up… I relate to your thoughts on your age. I’m already 17, and I’m surprised. I feel so old already.

    God loves you, Anne. Remember, He is working everything together for your good if you love Him (Romans 8:28). I’m sure He has plans for your life if you trust Him.

    Hang in there. May God’s peace which surpasses all understanding guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7). 🙂

    1. Thank you so much J.S Clingman. You changed your name? Or at least your username. Thank you so much for reminding me that God loves me. I’m slowly returning to his Word again, after a period where I lost connection with him. I really want to have a relationship with God and to trust in Jesus, although it can be hard sometimes as I struggle with unbelief, what plagued the Israelites as they were crossing the desert to Canaan. I’m not surprised: I’m certain you’re a very mature 17-year-old. Thank you so much for your comment, it really helped, especially those verses from the Bible. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling similarly, and I hope that you will hang on to God and Jesus as well. Take care.

      1. You’re definitely welcome, I’m so glad my comment made you feel a little better at the least. Thank you for saying so. 🙂 I did change my username! “Klingemann” is an alternate (and more archaic) version of my actual surname “Clingman”. I decided to do away with the former just because the latter is more favored in my mind (at least at this time). XD

        I’m really glad to hear that you’re returning to the Word of God for comfort and guidance. That’s definitely an important part of having a relationship with God. I hope and pray that God draws you closer to Himself everyday.

        We all struggle with unbelief, sometimes, I’m sure. I know I do. The funny thing is, faith is such a simple thing. One either believes the sky is blue or they don’t. Of course, in the Christian’s case, one has to believe something is true without being 100% absolutely, without-a-doubt sure that it is. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”—Hebrews 11:1

        Thank you so much for your well-wishes, as well as that comment about me being mature. XD

        Are you connected with a church in your area?

        1. Yes, I am connected with a church in my area. I meet up with them regularly for Bible study. Yes, that’s the part that gets me sometimes. It can be a little difficult to entirely believe in the unseen. Thank you for your prayer. Oh, I see! It’s an interesting surname, nonetheless. Take care J.S. Clingman. Hope you have a good week. 😊

          1. That’s great! I think it’s important to connect with other believers in order to grow in the faith. I agree with you that it is difficult to believe in what can’t be seen. But with God’s help, we can do it. You’re definitely welcome for the prayer! I hope you have a good week as well. 🙂

    1. Hey Kevin! I’m doing alright. A bit better than before, at least. I’m working on editing a book even though I pretty much hate what I’ve written and trying to stay positive. How are you? ☺️

        1. Surviving is good! Sometimes, we just need to survive. The book is about this girl who finds a secret library and the mysteries held within. I hate it because I think it’s not very good. At all.

          1. Interesting idea with a lot of potential.
            You could find so many mysteries in a secret library that nobody knew about. ^^

            Yeah, it only gets really shity when you can’t survive anymore.
            So surviving is good. (:

            Why do you think it’s not very good?
            Dont you like the idea?

          2. Gosh, your comment, I completely missed it! I’m so sorry, Kevin. I think it’s a relatively okay idea, it’s just that I sincerely doubt my ability to execute it well haha. I’m always running up against the severe limitations of my talents.

          3. Or maybe you try to fight your limitations instead of understanding them and seeing your own way to achieve what you want without using something that isn’t you.

            Haha no worries.
            I hope you’re good.

          4. That really made me think. Achieving what you want without using something that isn’t you. Maybe I’ve been forcing the whole novel a bit. Thanks, hope you’re well as well.

          5. I wouldn’t say that you’re forcing the novel, but maybe the way you should be writing it. Just look at the tools you have and figure out how to go on with what you have.

            You could have a shovel, but all you have is a spoon. The others have shovels, but they won’t help you. So what can you do with that spoon of yours.

            Yes I’m fine also figuring out my own stuff.
            Life is just like a game.

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