A Ramble On The Void

It’s around half past ten at night right now and I am a bit tired but I still felt like writing this blog post, so that’s what I’m going to do. I feel so immensely tired at the moment, and I don’t mean mentally or physically. It feels like my soul is tired and I don’t know why. Actually, I can’t even exactly explain what it is I feel right now – it’s sort of a combination of nostalgia, misery and yearning all at the same time.

I’m also not in the mood for writing well during this blog post – plus I’m pretty tired – so once again, as usual, I apologise for the quality of the writing in this post. I just don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Why I’m not happy. For instance, something that has been bugging me is that I get so easily tired and sick of certain people. Is it normal to get tired of a person, so much so that everything they say and they do grates against your soul? Even someone you most definitely do love?

I’m not happy, and I’m trying to figure out why. Absolutely nothing at all is wrong with my life. I’ve even stopped yearning for a boyfriend and realised it will happen in due time or perhaps when I put myself back on the dating market. I just feel this sort of internal restlessness. Yes, a restlessness. It’s as if I’m bored with all human achievement and this entire world and am asking for a change, please and thank you very much. I would like for there to be real magic and witches and wizards, for flying castles in the air and cats that can talk. Of course, such a thing is impossible (at least, in this dimension – who knows what exists in other dimensions) so I’m left with this world instead, which, even though it can be both horrible and lovely at the same time, feels very … dull.

Maybe it’s just because I’ve been spoilt by reading too many fantasy books. Either way, I can’t seem to shake this restless boredom I feel as I go through life, permeating everything that I do, every thought I think, from the moment I wake up to the instant I fall asleep at night. After writing this post, I’ll probably have a shower – that was a banal thing to type, but it’s true. It’s late, so I’ll have to brush my teeth and get into bed. These days, it’s getting harder and harder to keep up the regime of showering, brushing teeth and putting on pyjamas that I need to do at night. I just can’t seem to keep it up. That, you might say, is a sure sign you’re depressed, but I don’t think I am. I’ve experienced depression and I don’t feel soul-sucking misery nor do I feel apathy. I just feel like something is wholly and entirely missing from life.

I’m going to put it out there: I don’t understand why people on this planet are happy. Sure, there are many things to look forward to, if you are lucky, a job, a spouse, a child, holidays and visits to nice restaurants. But even with all that, I have a feeling I would still feel as I do today, that something is missing from life and the scariest thing is, I’m afraid that there is nothing missing at all, I just feel there is something missing and that there’s something terribly wrong with me. Before the start of this paragraph, I brushed my teeth, showered and put on my cosy pyjamas – it’s now nearly half past eleven – and I must admit, I do feel a little better. It’s always better to do things than to not do them, I’ve found, especially if you are depressed or experiencing apathy or just feel like something is missing from your life. I still need to put my blankets inside their cover which has just been washed but I’ll do that later, after I’ve finished this post. I’ve decided to leave these banal details in my blog post instead of editing them out because I feel that it’s nice sometimes to hear about someone else’s life, even boring details like how they are going to prepare for bed.

Like every quintessential INFP, I still fantasise about having a boyfriend. Not those kinds of fantasies, although those are perfectly fine, but ones where I am married and have a home and children. But as I said before, these are just fantasies and even if I achieved them, it would not necessarily increase my happiness a great deal in the long run. After all, I don’t really like dealing with children so the reality of me having a child of my own might not be as idyllic as in my imagination. Yes, so I just feel strangely dissatisfied with life at the moment. It feels as though there’s not much I can do about it. I’ve tried talking about it with a friend but her advice, while invariably good and well, hasn’t made a dent in my feelings of dissatisfaction. At this point, it feels nigh incurable.

Dear dreamers, what makes you happy? Are you happy? I know that is quite the loaded question so feel free to never answer such a question at all and forgive me for asking it. I took the bus today to the library and looking at all the people around me, busy with their lives, I really did wonder if they were truly happy or if they felt an emptiness or void inside themselves like I did, one that feels like nothing can fill. Of course, God is the obvious answer as one who could possibly fill that void but as I am someone who still questions Christian beliefs, it is not an option for me at this point. I do think it is God but I can’t seem to find him, and when you can’t find someone, sometimes eventually you just give up. I haven’t entirely given up yet but I’m getting a little tired in the search. It’s a search I’m on, isn’t it? A search for meaning, perhaps, the oldest search in the world. In that case, I have good company – but unfortunately, no clear-cut answers.

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An INFP and writer, living life, dreaming of castles in the sky.

5 thoughts on “A Ramble On The Void”

  1. Anne, I don’t know how I could’ve survived without you and your blog. Seriously. This was EXACTLY how I was feeling like two weeks ago. It comes and goes, though, this “void” or “emptiness” feeling, and it’ll come back to me a few weeks or months from now, I just know it. Because deep down, it’s still there, and I’m just trying to drown it out with … anything. Other feelings, mostly.

    I don’t know if this makes sense, but I feel like romance, or the thrill you get from having a crush on someone, is the only thing that distracts me from this void feeling. Because it’s almost like magic, the feeling it gives you. I don’t know why, maybe just because it’s fun to imagine doing things with someone, that sense of mystery, who knows.

    It’s a problem, though, when you can’t ever seem to make it a reality, haha. I don’t know how two people ever fall in love—the odds seem stacked against you, like, you must either be really pushy or really attractive, or just plain lucky. But I guess my goal is to have a sense of contentment, fulfillment, with my life and this world without needing to pine after someone else for it. Because it’s like a drug.

    So, to answer your question, I’m not happy. I’m not sure what will make me happy, but I’ve been trying to wake up early just to think, you know, without all the noise and others’ opinions (not that they can’t be helpful) to figure myself out. The only thing I can think of that makes me feel some fulfillment is by being sensitive to others. Really taking the time to listen to what other people have to say, and care about them. Because that’s what I wish someone would do for me.

    Thank you so much for your writing, Anne, honestly, it’s a miracle I found this place years ago. It just feels so good to know you’re not the only one.

    – Karuna : )

    1. Dear Karuna,
      Thank you so much for your comment. I am so sorry for the extremely late reply – for some reason, blog comments weren’t showing up on my phone at all! I will hereby be checking my blog on my laptop far more often.
      I’m sorry you feel the void as well but I can’t help but feel that people who feel the void are more honest with themselves about the nature of life than other people. Other people, you know, fill their lives with work, trips, family, children, significant others, food and drink, but deep down, they must feel the way that we do, that there is some kind of emptiness to life. Just some food for thought.
      I know what you mean, a crush or a love interest can definitely make life feel more magical. And I agree, unless you are very lucky or attractive or something or other, it seems very, very difficult to fall in love and find the person for you.
      You’re so sweet for listening to other people because that’s what you want them to do for you. That’s such a lovely thing, and I hope you keep doing that but do not forget to look after yourself too!
      I haven’t been doing well, hence the lack of new posts recently, but I’ll be back on the bandwagon today. Your words have given me a renewed sense of purpose to keep posting on here.

  2. “I can’t help but feel that people who feel the void are more honest with themselves about the nature of life than other people.”
    I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here : )

  3. Hello, fellow INFP here. That was me over the last two or three years. I don’t feel like that now, and I honestly am not sure what helped, I think perhaps just getting honest about what I want and that I need to take steps to achieving those things, and accepting myself and how I am different from most of the rest of the world. I certainly prayed, but in my experience, sometimes God let’s us learn what we need to. He will send help, it may not come like we think, but all this is to grow as people.

    I hope you are starting to feel better, I know you wrote this a while ago, and I read your later post about giving up on your dream. I think maybe you are on a journey where you need to figure out what it is that matters and live in line with your beliefs and values. Also, living out in the real world instead of your head is helpful. Not that living in your head isn’t great or that you need to stop that completely. I know because I have this problem too. An INFP thing I guess. Just live in the world, as in go and explore, experience things at least as much as you dream.

    1. Hi Cheanné, thank you so much for commenting. You’re totally right in that I needed to live out in the real world for a while instead of in my head all the time. The last month of cooking and baking, doing things physically with my hands, actually really centred and grounded me. The time also have me some much-needed perspective when it came to my own writing and I realised two things: one, that I love my characters and they deserve to be written about, and two, I need to probably take the pressure off of myself to get published any time soon. I feel like my writing skills just aren’t where they need to be yet, and I don’t know if they’ll ever get there. I do feel more sensitive from the rest of the world and, like you said, getting honest with myself about what I wanted — to delve into these characters, live with them — really helped.

      I am starting to feel a bit better. I haven’t picked up writing again yet but I might try a bit today. What matters…the characters matter for me. And doing things that make me happy, that I find joy in. When writing no longer became a passion for a good long while, I wasn’t living with this value of doing things that bring me joy and fulfilment. Also, I do need to experience more of the world than I do just by baking and cooking haha. It’s a frightening prospect, but since I’m going to start a course soon, one that I hope I can have the courage to meet. I hope you are doing well, Cheanné. Thank you again for your comment. Take care. ☺️

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