A Heart-to-Heart, This Winter Night

It’s winter right now in Australia, although I know for many of you it is actually summer where you live. For the last few weeks, the nights have been chilly and some days, it was downright cold. It’s been a bit warmer these couple of days though, so I hope it lasts – I’m terrible with cold. Heat, I can bear, but cold? No, I absolutely hate it. Just like I hate cold showers and diving into a cold swimming pool. But I can bear the heat much better and I like fire and far prefer the warmth to the cold. Anyway, enough about hot and cold weather; let’s get into this post.

I thought I’d just sort of metaphorically sit down and have a chat with you. Obviously, you can’t talk to me until I post this and then you are able to write a comment in reply, but I like to think these conversations are still fun to have and could help the both of us feel less alone. Lately, I’ve been struggling with doing things. It sounds awful, but I just simply hate the idea of lifting a finger and fetching something for a family member or completing a chore, like hanging out the laundry or washing the dishes. I don’t know what exactly is wrong with me. It isn’t laziness because when asked or when I remember I have something to do, this sort of rage at the task fills me. It’s something I only remember experiencing as a child, when I was asked to do homework, and for it to surface again, this mad kind of anger, is very unsettling.

How are you, dear dreamer? I hope you are doing well, and that no such rage fills you when you need to complete a task. I always so dearly hope to be mild-tempered and well-mannered, but it really is quite the task. I always try so hard to be a kind and loving person, but hatred and resentment have a nasty habit of resurfacing. Why is it so difficult to be a perfectly good and nice person? I think part of it is the fact that I rail and cry at the unfairness of life and the world. I actually, deep down, hold an enormous resentment for whoever created this world and put all of us here on this planet to suffer to some degree or another. I hold a great indignation and despair about life. Why should suffering exist? How dare suffering exist? Why don’t we live in a perfect world? And these sentiments have a tendency to bleed into my everyday life, perhaps to make me turn livid when I need to put away my clothes or cook or clean or work. Everything seems to create suffering, in some way or another, and I loathe this fact. I loathe it.

I’ve become a lot better at dealing with being single. I’ve never been in a relationship, so I should have had a lot of practice being single, but some part of you yearns for a romantic relationship regardless of whether you have been in one or not. But lately, I’ve come to just sort of accept the fact that I am single and could possibly – not probably, but possibly – be single for the rest of my life. The reason I think this is because I simply can’t imagine myself in a relationship with anyone. It just doesn’t compute in my brain; an ERROR code comes out when I think of it, if you get my drift. Because of this, this past week, I have become a lot better at accepting my singleness and not letting it detract from my happiness. In the process, I have become a happier and more independent person. I think now that while a romantic relationship would certainly be nice, it is not the be all and end all, and a princess can live happily ever after on her own in her tower, surrounded by her animal friends and books.

Oh, let’s talk about looks. One of the first ever blog posts I ever made on this blog was about feeling ugly, and while, seven or eight years later, I have made great strides when it comes to liking my own appearance, it still can be a struggle sometimes. I think women definitely care about their appearance to attract a love interest, but part of it also comes down to vanity and a dislike for your own ugliness. I can see the beauty in other people, but I can’t see it myself. I’m trying my best these days to try see myself as a beautiful creation of this universe, and that is definitely helping, but some days, I throw my hands up into the air and wish I was born a beautiful girl, instead of someone who is average at best. It’s a work in progress, but I’m doing my utmost best to make improvements in this area. The funny thing is, I know I am beautiful – it’s just a matter of seeing it.

That brings me to the end of our conversation today. I hope you found it worthwhile to chat with me, even if the conversation has so far been rather one-sided. I hope it made you feel less lonely, on this sad, lonely little planet of ours. I haven’t been feeling lonely much lately because I realised I was a part of this universe and therefore it would be silly, me being part of a greater whole, to feel sad, isolated and alone like I was some solitary component. I hope that made some sense. In addition, I sincerely hope you have been well during these difficult times. It feels like Covid-19 has been here since forever, and I know as an Australian that I can have no idea what people in some countries are currently going through. My prayers are with you, I hope you keep yourself as safe as possible. Until we talk again, stay well dreamers.

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An INFP and writer, living life, dreaming of castles in the sky.

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