Over the years, I have received a lot of messages from men asking about how to win over INFP women (although, strangely enough, not the other way around; is that part of the discrimination INFP men feel in this world? Sad.) and have decided, at last, to dedicate an entire post to this matter. A disclaimer: while I profess to be quite the quintessential INFP, I am still only one INFP, and what works for one INFP woman or man may not work for another, as all INFPs, despite our shared psychological functions, are unique, individual people, who have grown up against different backdrops and in various backgrounds. So, without further ado, here are some ways to win an INFP’s heart.
1. Not be evil.
This is kind of a given, because the INFP you have sitting in front of you or floating around in your life, I guarantee, has quite a pure and angelic heart, and if, morally, you are not on the same level, they are unlikely to feel warmly towards you, let alone be attracted to you. We do not like evil. We do not like unkindness, coldness, superiority complexes, hardness or cruelty, something which many people in the world have in spades. Therefore, if you want to win an INFP’s heart, the first step is to be a genuinely good person, in and out. The kind of guy or gal who loves dogs and cries at a little at the suffering of others, you know what I mean? Those kind of men and women are the types of people us INFPs adore. If you’re a little cruel, a little harsh around the edges, then you’re only option is to change and do a 180° transformation, because no evil is going to live in the men or women we date.
2. Be romantic.
Ha. I know what you’re thinking. Hey, I’m romantic. I’m very romantic, my dear lady. No, you’re not. I can guarantee you’re not romantic enough. You see, I think you just don’t get it. We INFP’s don’t just want everyday romance. We are romantics, idealists, we live and breathe romance, and consume enough romantic fiction for nearly no human being to be able to possibly match up to our expectations. You need to treat romance as an Olympic sport. You need to be creative, to be original (more on that later). Instead of treating her to a candlelit dinner and some roses, write her a beautiful song completely dedicated to her and sing and play it to her on your guitar (provided you have the talent, of course) or leave a trail of candy, like in the story Hansel and Gretel (INFPs love fairytales! She’ll adore this) all the way to a little gingerbread house you baked, and inside, hidden within the biscuit house, is a small note or poem dedicated to them. Or a little miniature witch and her cauldron—really, it doesn’t matter, as long as it is creative. You need to up your game, mate.
3. Be a creative and original person.
Are you a follower? Are you conventional? Do you have none of your own thoughts, and not a single original bone in your body? Then, sorry, we will not be interested in you. It might sound harsh, but it’s just facts. INFPs are creative people—we are often artists or writers—and if you don’t have that same creative streak in you, it’s very hard for us to love you, very hard indeed. We dislike those who swim with the current, and adore those who swim against it, idealising and deeply admiring those who challenge the status quo. If you’re not an original person, not creative, I would wonder why you are pursuing an INFP in the first place, and why you love her, because one of the things INFPs love to be loved and admired for is their creativity.
4. Be a deep thinker and be complex.
You can’t be an airhead. You have to be a complex, deep sort of person, the kind who can chat with her or him late at night about stars and the universe and personality and men and women and the meaning of life. You must be able to keep up with her or him. Our thoughts can be expansive as the universe. We are so incredibly connected with the Consciousness behind everything, and Mother Nature, and invested in being the best human being we can be, that if you’re not just as complicated and fascinating, you won’t have our interest for long. Ooh, you know what would be a real doozy, that would any INFP definitely interested in you? If you have a tragic past. And therefore have some personality flaws because of that. Us INFPs LOVE wounded, complex people, because it tugs on our heartstrings, and oftentimes, this is the spark that can lead to love. Be a deep, wounded, complex man or woman, and you’ve got it made. But be genuine. Fake something, lie about something, and you might as well break up with him or her forever.
5. Have an intense dislike for disingenuous people.
When people say it’s good to have similar interests to your partner, they’re probably not talking about this—that you should have a shared dislike for disingenuity. INFPs are perceptive creatures, and can sniff out when someone is being disingenuous from fifty miles away. We absolutely hate suck-ups, or people who take advantage of other people, or those who trample on the weak and innocent on their path to riches, fame or success, and if you loathe the same thing, we are, you know, kind of on the same side, and that can create a bond like nothing else. The same goes for you—if you want to attract an INFP, be a genuine person, not fake and simpering, and not only after stupid things like sex and money.
6. Be able to withstand a tempestuous personality.
On the outside, especially to strangers, us INFPs can seem quite shy, delicate and sweet. We’re not. We’re more like silent warriors, whose sword is the pen and whose hearts can shine brighter than the Fourth of July. Our emotions, in addition, are incredibly powerful, and we can be furious, joyous, depressed and wistful all in the same breath. We are complex people, and can flash like summer storms. Be ready to face this part of us, and to love and accept it, if you truly love us and want to chase after us, because if you can’t handle us, we’re perfectly fine on our own, without you.
7. Be wise and brave.
INFPs love wisdom. In many ways, you should have a certain fatherly or brotherly air about you, because this not only makes us feel safe, we also feel as if we can turn to you, like sunflowers towards the sun, for help. Be wise, be brave, be sure, be strong, be capable of holding up the sun and the stars for the right cause, and we will give you our love in return. There’s nothing we hate more than cowards, or people lacking in compassion. Our hearts are like tiny, multi-coloured universes, and we are brave and compassionate people, who have grown up on a diet of books filled with brave and compassionate characters fighting against evil, been taught by the likes of Harry Potter and Katniss Everdeen to be the person we are today. Don’t disappoint us; sourpusses, people who resent others for their success or their creative talent or their happiness, cowardly people who don’t dare to stand up for what is right and true, do not interest us.
8. Be innocent.
Innocent people are kind. Us INFPs love innocent, simple (but not necessarily unwise) men and women, who are kind down to the very depths of their soul. You know this kind of person. They just don’t have a single mean bone in their body. Half the time, they don’t even realise evil is staring at them in the face until it’s before them, that’s how innocent they are. We love these kinds of men and women, and fall in love with them, because we feel the need to protect them and a kinship with them. Nothing makes us fall in love with someone more than kindness. Let me repeat that. Nothing makes an INFP fall in love with someone more than a kind heart. So be innocent, kind, brave, strong, pure and wise, different, and you’ve got a chance at stealing away our heart.