It’s harder than you think to come up with blog posts. I was about to write a post about what it is like to be an INFP on a dating gameshow, but I tried it, and it soon fizzled out and disappeared. Then I considered writing a short romance, but no words came, and I couldn’t come up with any story. After that, I started writing this post, after faffing about on Youtube for a while, learning some Chinese (really, I’m quite struggling with the language), before finally deciding to return to blogging, and just write whatever came to mind.
Life is boring. I haven’t started my traineeship yet, so all I’ve been doing is visiting the job agency so my unemployment benefits don’t get cut off. There, I do nothing but read books and watch or learn things on Youtube, until the four hours are up (there’s an hour long break in-between), and it’s time to go home. By then’s it’s only 2pm, so I end up going to the library for a while, either borrowing books, going back on Youtube to learn Chinese, or typing up a blog post. There, I stay for about an hour and a half (which is how long you are allowed to use the computers for) before it’s time to go home, by which time it is around 4pm. Once I get home, I relax a bit, eat something, write some of my fiction, then spend the rest of the day trying to occupy my time, either by reading, or watching Youtube videos which are engaging and educational, trying not to watch anything which is entirely passive so as to keep my depression at bay. Then you wash, rinse, and repeat, and you have an idea of what it is like to live my everyday life.
I wish there was something to my life that was a little more exciting. Obviously, starting the traineeship will add a little spice to my life, but that will be minimal at best, and at worst, it will be stressful and hard. I’m afraid of what it will be like, whether I will enjoy it, and like interacting with the children. I feel as though I want to rip my life apart like a piece of old rag, to turn it upside-down and splash it with bright colours, until its practically dripping with fun.
Small things add to a sense of “fun” in my life. For instance, a week ago, I joined a dating website, called OKCupid, and it was the worst idea of my life. While it was very exciting at first, after a while, it grew to be rather dull and boring—messages would lead nowhere, I would be attracted to maybe 1 out of every 50 guys I saw online—and I deleted my profile picture, which is as good as deactivating the account. Then I considered starting a Youtube channel, at midnight last night, to add some excitement to my lfie, but after recording a short video of myself talking about what it’s like to be an INFP, and watching it afterwards, I realised I didn’t have any talent for talking to the camera, and was as bland as a piece of cardboard.
I do like the picture I found for this post: it’s a tiny Hello Kitty, standing alone in dim lighting, which is kind of how I feel at the moment. Life is just sort of trudging along; there’s nothing particularly bad going on, but nothing really very good either. It just is. In fact, I do believe if this goes on for any longer, I might got a little insane.
Is this all that life has to offer? If so, I am severely disappointed. Insanity creeps in at the edges of my thoughts, knocking to come in, and so far, I have kept it at bay, and stopped myself from losing my mind. But the boredom of life and reality is really getting to me. I can’t help it. I want life to be magical and exciting, the way it is in movies. If only God would inject some magic into my life, and make things wonderful, strange, quirky, even weird. I will even take a little scary—maybe not dangerous, but scary—just to break myself out of this rut. OK, maybe not scary; I’m absolutely terrible with horror movies. My imagination is bad enough. Sometimes, I imagine a doll is staring at me from the end of my bed, or a clown is looming over me with an evil grin as a sleep; it’s a fact of life that INFPs are simply not horror movie aficianados.
What am I even writing about? I’m not too sure. I apologise if this post is a little boring; I just simply couldn’t think of something to write about. I feel myself going a little crazy even as I write this. Please, please, please, if you’re out there, if you’re listening, please make my life a little more exciting. Please.