A Day In This INFP’s Life

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It’s harder than you think to come up with blog posts. I was about to write a post about what it is like to be an INFP on a dating gameshow, but I tried it, and it soon fizzled out and disappeared. Then I considered writing a short romance, but no words came, and I couldn’t come up with any story. After that, I started writing this post, after faffing about on Youtube for a while, learning some Chinese (really, I’m quite struggling with the language), before finally deciding to return to blogging, and just write whatever came to mind.

Life is boring. I haven’t started my traineeship yet, so all I’ve been doing is visiting the job agency so my unemployment benefits don’t get cut off. There, I do nothing but read books and watch or learn things on Youtube, until the four hours are up (there’s an hour long break in-between), and it’s time to go home. By then’s it’s only 2pm, so I end up going to the library for a while, either borrowing books, going back on Youtube to learn Chinese, or typing up a blog post. There, I stay for about an hour and a half (which is how long you are allowed to use the computers for) before it’s time to go home, by which time it is around 4pm. Once I get home, I relax a bit, eat something, write some of my fiction, then spend the rest of the day trying to occupy my time, either by reading, or watching Youtube videos which are engaging and educational, trying not to watch anything which is entirely passive so as to keep my depression at bay. Then you wash, rinse, and repeat, and you have an idea of what it is like to live my everyday life.

I wish there was something to my life that was a little more exciting. Obviously, starting the traineeship will add a little spice to my life, but that will be minimal at best, and at worst, it will be stressful and hard. I’m afraid of what it will be like, whether I will enjoy it, and like interacting with the children. I feel as though I want to rip my life apart like a piece of old rag, to turn it upside-down and splash it with bright colours, until its practically dripping with fun.

Small things add to a sense of “fun” in my life. For instance, a week ago, I joined a dating website, called OKCupid, and it was the worst idea of my life. While it was very exciting at first, after a while, it grew to be rather dull and boring—messages would lead nowhere, I would be attracted to maybe 1 out of every 50 guys I saw online—and I deleted my profile picture, which is as good as deactivating the account. Then I considered starting a Youtube channel, at midnight last night, to add some excitement to my lfie, but after recording a short video of myself talking about what it’s like to be an INFP, and watching it afterwards, I realised I didn’t have any talent for talking to the camera, and was as bland as a piece of cardboard.

I do like the picture I found for this post: it’s a tiny Hello Kitty, standing alone in dim lighting, which is kind of how I feel at the moment. Life is just sort of trudging along; there’s nothing particularly bad going on, but nothing really very good either. It just is. In fact, I do believe if this goes on for any longer, I might got a little insane.

Is this all that life has to offer? If so, I am severely disappointed. Insanity creeps in at the edges of my thoughts, knocking to come in, and so far, I have kept it at bay, and stopped myself from losing my mind. But the boredom of life and reality is really getting to me. I can’t help it. I want life to be magical and exciting, the way it is in movies. If only God would inject some magic into my life, and make things wonderful, strange, quirky, even weird. I will even take a little scary—maybe not dangerous, but scary—just to break myself out of this rut. OK, maybe not scary; I’m absolutely terrible with horror movies. My imagination is bad enough. Sometimes, I imagine a doll is staring at me from the end of my bed, or a clown is looming over me with an evil grin as a sleep; it’s a fact of life that INFPs are simply not horror movie aficianados.

What am I even writing about? I’m not too sure. I apologise if this post is a little boring; I just simply couldn’t think of something to write about. I feel myself going a little crazy even as I write this. Please, please, please, if you’re out there, if you’re listening, please make my life a little more exciting. Please.

 

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A Rambling Diary Entry

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What to write about? For once, my ideas ran dry when I put my fingers to the keys, and I found myself completely at a loss as to what to say. So I’ll just let this piece be a stream of consciousness, kind of like a diary entry, and I hope you find some worth in it.

It’s strange, but I feel as though only now am I beginning to see life clearly and properly. As a kid, everything was so fun and every little thing a “big deal”, but now, as I’ve grown older, I’m finding life to be quite ordinary and mundane, even the exciting things, like going on holidays. Granted, I haven’t been going on holidays, but I have been watching tours of countries of Europe on Youtube, and that is almost just as good as visiting the places yourself, and it seems to me something even as fun as travelling could get boring after a while, if you do it for long enough. None of the books I read I find interesting anymore, nor do I find any movies particularly riveting. Life has turned into a blank canvas, and there’s no-one to paint on it to make it look more interesting, not even myself.

What is life, anyway? A blip, really, a short little nick on the surface of consciousness. One moment we are alive, the next we are dead and gone, returned as matter to the universe, to rot in the ground and float away as ashes on the wind. It just seems so pointless, sometimes, though I know people say that life is meant to be an adventure and you’re meant to go along it for the ride. But what if the ride is going very slowly, or has completely stopped? Then what? I’m still very young, and have years ahead of me, and suddenly I’m not looking forward to them with anticipation but with dread, because they promise only more boredom, the same old mundane reality as before. Wouldn’t it be amazing if something truly out of the ordinary happened, like a mass quarantine to prevent the spread of a disease, or something like that? Not anything that would truly hurt people very much, just something to spice things up a little, the way a fire drill might make school more exciting. Or if the Hunger games really started to happen? No, I take that back: that would be horrific, not exciting; but you get my drift. I just desperately want something to happen, something to break the monotony.

I suppose once I start studying and get myself occupied doing more things than just blogging things will seem much less bleak. Occupation, I’ve found, is the true antidote to boredom, and I can’t wait to start studying and then working, hopefully as a nurse in the near future, so that I have something to do with my time. Being useful, having some utility in this world, and working steadily most days, is, I believe the secret to happiness, not wealth and riches, because that can lead to boredom and idleness. There are only so many diamond rings you can buy and designer clothes you can try on before the “rich life” becomes dull. Let’s see. What else is there to say? I made chicken bone soup today. I bought the chicken myself, cooked it, made it into some chicken sushi, then I boiled the bones with some purple coins for a couple of hours in a pot on the stove. The broth was quite thin, but it was still a pale brown and full of nutrients, so that was nice. That, in case you were wondering, was the highlight of my day yesterday, making food, because I didn’t end up writing a blog post because I didn’t know what to write about. From now on, though, I’ll try to write everyday, if only for something to do, even if most of what I write is aimless like this piece. At the very least I am still writing. I have entirely given up on my fiction writing, my ideas have completely run dry and I have not a smidge of creativity left in my brain. It’s true. I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know why, but along with the boredom has come a dearth of creative ideas. I’m really not the happiest camper at the moment, and I certainly hope you’re doing much better than I am.