How INFPs Can Obtain True Friendships

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That’s where you’ve already made a misstep, my child. In life, one does not “obtain” people—it simply doesn’t work like that. No, people are not shoes or clothes we can collect, and accumulate, wrapping ourselves around a secure, social network, where we are cosy, warm and safe—no. Instead, when looking to make friendships as an INFP, the only to truly make good and proper friendships, is the same way other people make lasting friendships: by being honest and true to yourself.

This is harder than it looks because us INFPs, well, let’s just say, we can be quite the little actresses and actors at times, not because we intentionally want to deceive people, but because we’re so afraid other people won’t like our true selves. This is unfortunate. INFPs make wonderful, kind, loving friends, and more often than not, those of us who hide our true selves behind a veneer of almost-fracturing confidence are just kidding ourselves and pretending to be something we’re the complete opposite of. Instead—and this might be hard, considering the fact that we are prone to sticking to these false selves like glue, especially in our younger years—INFPS should shed all false selves and any mannerisms we’ve managed to pick up and wear over the years, and be our true, unadulterated selves at all times.

This can be scary at first. It means letting people see what happens behind the curtain. It means shedding that social anxiety that plagues so many young INFPs, in their teens or twenties, who feel constantly inadequate and on edge. I shed it when I was around 18 or 19, and I’m 21 now, so, let me tell you, it’s one of the liberating and wonderful things you can ever do. You realise you don’t need to keep a mask on in order to make other people feel comfortable around you or like you. If they’re going to be in your life, then they’re going to be in it, and no amount of hair-pulling or coercion or whatever ploys people come up with these days to get others to like them will change things. Either they’re there, or they’re not. Simple as that. And dropping the mask is the first step to finding true friendships: you’ll finally start attracting the right people for you; and if someone doesn’t like you, well, then, that’s their problem, and you’re going to have to grow a thick skin about it. It’ll be hard at first; at the start of things, I felt the need to constantly put the mask back on, or, when someone didn’t like me and rejected me, I felt the urge to curl up into a corner somewhere and cry; but over time, you grow stronger, and stronger, and soon, you’ll be buoyed along by your own self-esteem and your faith in God or whatever foundations you build the bricks of your heart and soul upon.

Only now, in my twenties, have I started to form true and proper relationships with people. They don’t teach you this in school. This is something you have to figure out on your own. Friends, like I said before, like family, like anybody in your life, are going to be there if they’re meant to be, and if they’re not, then they won’t. It’s really that easy, and simple. Don’t try to hang onto people, desperately, when they really don’t want to be in your company, because it never works, people aren’t objects to collect; and likewise, don’t let other people desperately hang onto you when you don’t want to maintain a relationship with them, because that never works and there’s general misery all around. When it comes to relationships, although you do need to prioritise the other person’s needs, you also need to put your needs and desires on an equal level with theirs, and if the relationship just isn’t cutting it for you, then it’s time to cut ties.

Honesty and open communication, and being yourself, is all fine and good, but everyone knows, when it comes to relationships, there’s a secret ingredient, and that’s chemistry. It’s not necessarily romantic chemistry—it could be friendship chemistry, that magical ingredient that makes a couple of people get along for some reason, and makes their conversations flow and their laughter bright and sparkling whenever they meet up. That’s something that cannot be replicated or distilled into any magical potion of wisdom: it’s just something that happens in life, like love and comets and flowers. So, when it comes to maintaining true friendships, the key thing is to relax and do nothing at all, funnily enough: because that’s when you’ll find that special person, right on your doorstep, and you’ll find yourself getting along with them, with no anxiety, no fear, just the pure joy of finding another human whose soul echoes with yours.

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An Odd Ramble

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Sometimes, I wish I was someone else. Like, some kind of magical, powerful creature with one red eye, one green, who can wield plants, make them magically appear and charge towards people, wrapping around people and saving them from certain death—

Ahem. I’ve been writing. Writing is a curious thing. It really is. On the one hand, it’s blissful and amazing; on the other hand, it’s horrible and hard, difficult and annoying; and one never seems able to write anything that is satisfactory; I always seem to fall short of what I want my writing to be. I’m in the process of looking over a piece of writing, of 60,000 words, a YA novel, that I’ve been working on for a while, and which I’m putting through its final edit. While editing is fun, and I enjoy, very much, reading my own book, I can’t help but feel fear that, once again, this book will get rejected by publishers and I’ll be pushed back to square one.

I don’t want the fame or money that comes with writing—those things are temporary and alluring, like will o’ the wisps that lure you to your death in some swampy river water. What I want is to have something I created to be read and enjoyed by other people. Obviously, on some level, I’ve accomplished this through this blog, but there are so many words and stories inside of me yearning to be seen and known, and enjoyed, that it’s nearly impossible for me not to write. To not write, for me, is to not live.

As for life itself, I still haven’t got it figured out. I wish the trees and the roads felt less…empty. The world feels so empty sometimes, like it’s the loneliest and saddest place that could possibly ever exist. This feeling tends to fade when I am surrounded by people, but when I spend long stretches of time by myself, it grows and grows, like taffy when it is pulled apart, until I can barely bear it. Why do we exist? Why do we live? I believe in God—I am Christian, after all—and Jesus, and I believe God gives me meaning in life, and has put me on this planet to share my writing and the words inside of me. I don’t know where my path in life will lead me, but I do hope it meanders towards something bright and beautiful.

I ended up deleting a post about some students who bullied me in school, because, lo and behold, they managed to get onto my blog, and one of their friends started to harass me on Instagram, telling me to take down the post. While I felt it was somewhat giving in, I had do it, because harassment is not cool and I needed to put a stop to it. Sometimes, I wonder how people live their lives, and how they find pleasure in the shallow world of trips to nice countries and physical pleasures and pretty clothes, because those things, lovely as they might be, don’t bring me lasting happiness. Words do. Magic does. Kindness does. Giving to those who needed, helping people, doing God’s work—all those things bring meaning to my life. Books. Music. Pets.

If any of you would like me to do more posts about INFPs, I’d be happy to do it. This blog sort of evolved into a blog about INFPs, even though I changed the blog’s name to my own name (the reason is present in the previous post) and I’m still always wracking my brain, trying to think of more INFP posts I could write. It feels as though I’ve exhausted many of the avenues of blog ideas already.

Loneliness still hits me, every now and then, but instead of filling it with something that doesn’t actually fill the hole, like a boyfriend or food, or fantasies of magical worlds and whatnot, I fill it with God’s love, which surrounds me every second of every day. Some people might think this is pathetic, and just a way of dealing with loneliness and singledom, and, for those who don’t believe in God, even delusional, but God does exist, He is real, and He is there for me, every single second of everyday, deep inside my heart. I wish everyone a brilliant, beautiful start to the new year, and hope you live happily.

What This INFP Has Been Doing

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Nothing much, except quite a bit of writing. I’ve also been learning a good deal about people and the world. That is what happens when you overcome your urge to stay on your own little island of comfort and security, and venture out to speak to and talk to people you wouldn’t normally talk to. I even managed to, recently, confess my feelings, although they soon disappeared, towards a man I quite fancied, and even though it didn’t work out between us (he wanted to remain friends), it was still a good experience for me, as I was able to step out of my shell and confront something I was afraid of.

I’m learning a lot about fear as I grow older, and something I’ve realised is, even though it’s scary to begin doing things, to take the first step, once you do, the sense of relief and accomplishment is very great indeed. All my life, I’ve been afraid of doing things, of looking silly, making a fool out of myself—but the truth it, most people admire brave individuals, and those who aren’t afraid to do something that frightens them. Before I confessed my feelings, I had hot and cold flashes, and it was awful, but I managed to do it, nevertheless, which makes me one gutsy, young woman.

As for why I’ve finally decided to do a face reveal, both on my Instagram account (@dreamerrambling) and on my blog, as well as use my real name instead of a pseudonym, was because I got a bit tired of hiding behind a façade online and always “pretending” to be Anne Lee, and never having pictures of my face online. I realised it was a scary thing that was holding me back from living life to the truest and the fullest, because when I hid behind my screen, I was, in truth, afraid of people seeing the real me, and of various other, highly unlikely things, like stalkers and whatnot. But if I’m going to be a writer, which I do want to be, I think it’s better to be open and honest and free in your online interactions, because once I become a proper, published writer, there’ll be nowhere to hide.

At the moment, the only thing that could make my life happier is if I had a cat, or a kitten. Right now, I am in a place where God fills my life with joy and happiness, and I spend my days studying, and writing my books. Only the addition of a cute, furry animal, impossible due to the fact that I live in a unit, would make my life that little bit happier. I do apologise for not posting as regularly—I kind of hoped the face reveal would be enough for the meantime, as I’ve been very busy getting my own life sorted out and getting out there and meeting people. Libraries, I’ve found, are not good places to meet people; those people are often there because they don’t want to be disturbed; but writer’s groups, and other places, are suitable places to meet people oftentimes, and the friends you make along the way, if you’re open and honest and be yourself, are often the most lasting. While I certainly don’t have everything figured out, life is getting along quite swimmingly for this INFP, and I wish you the same. Until next time.

Love,

Annie

An INFP’s Character Development

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In every book and story—or at least every good one—a character develops and changes over time, and this is good because it’s realistic: in real life, everyone changes from day to day; who I am on Monday might not be the same person you greet on Tuesday, because I’ve learned things and grown a little, and that means my worldview and how I interact with myself, other people and society has changed. However, in books, the character development is usually more marked, because the point of the book is for the character to learn about something as she or he goes about his journey, and without this development, the story would seem a little strange and pointless, as if it shouldn’t have occurred at all.

This got me thinking about an INFP’s “character development” over time; in other words, how a person of the INFP personality might change over the course of their life, in accordance with their personal traits and characteristics. It would be different for every type: but since there are unique traits, like introversion and a mind prone to daydreaming, which all INFPs share, our character developments should, I think, sometimes follow the same trajectory.

First, let’s go all the way back to our infanthood. I think INFPs would be quite intelligent babies, because we end up growing up into rather intelligent people, and be prone to sleeping less than other babies and being more engaged and explorative of the world around them. Once childhood hits, and walking and talking enter the picture, in the home sphere, we’re likely to be quite chatty and active, because we’re comfortable with our family members, while outside the home, we’d be prone to stranger-aversion and quite touchy about being with people we don’t know.

Childcare would be another kettle of fish. That’s where our introversion would truly come out to shine, because we’d definitely be the kid that sits quietly playing with puzzles by ourselves or dress-ups with that one other friend, completely absorbed in our tasks, in an almost autistic fashion, because we’re good at concentration, creative, bright and love having the ability to let our imaginations run wild. Socialisation with other kids who aren’t quiet and strange like us will be non-existent, if there at all. We just don’t get along with other people at this point, and are closest to our own fantasy worlds and the odd friend, imaginary or not.

Primary school, or middle school, if you live in America, would be another playing field. Here, we finally begin to learn the ropes of socialisation and our character undergoes a metamorphosis, where we don’t just isolate ourselves and learn to interact with people for the sake of following social norms and because being an outcast is a hard, lonely life to lead. However, we’re still at the stage where we’re not capable of making genuine, real human relationships, because everything we do or say is “copied” or “learnt” from others: we haven’t got the hang of socialisation and have decided the best way to make friends and get along with other people is to put on a mask, talk a lot, and pretend you’re happy. Thus begins the unhappy stage of an INFP’s character development, where we feel stifled in a society that doesn’t accept us for the daydreaming introverts we are, and while we read and borrow books at a frenetic pace, expressing our individuality through our imagination and creativity in private, in public, we still go along with the crowd and do what everyone else does, for fear of rocking the boat.

Then there’s high school. Oh boy. Here’s where problems really start t to begin: puberty plus a cocktail of social anxiety means the INFP is bound to run into trouble, and plenty of it, either in the form of bullying, depression or feeling like an outcast. Because they’re intelligent, they’ll often do well in school and be considered a “nerd”, and much of their time, when not pretending to be happy and fit in—a continuation of their primary school years—is spent reading by themselves in the library or bathroom cubicles, where they can escape from the world and other people. More likely than not, they’ll not see certain boys or girls as real people but princesses and princes on pedestals and fantasise about them from afar, while believing themselves to be ugly, socially awkward and wretched. At this point in an INFP’s character development, they’ve most likely reached their ultimate “low”, where they feel like the worst possible version of themselves, both inside and on the outside, and are painfully awkward and cringe every day at their own awkwardness, and feel like life is an endless, dark tunnel they can’t seem to get out of.

Then comes adulthood. Free from the constraints of high school gossip and bullying, with the Internet at their fingertips and several hundred books of knowledge at the back of their mind, INFPs begin to come into their own, slowly at first, but gradually faster, as they realise the world outside the education system isn’t a bad place for dreamers—in fact, it’s the dreamers, creators and creative types of the world who are often the most successful and happy. Of course, the INFP goes through ups and downs, but eventually, they find an inner confidence as the progress through adulthood they didn’t possess before, mainly due to understanding themselves and learning more about life and the world, and realise who they are, someone who delights in the strange and magical, who loves Christmas like children and fawns over sparkles and glitter, and would never hesitate to help someone who is suffering, is a beautiful person, through and through. It is to be expected that INFPs still carry a backlog of pain from their early years, but this soon fades, as they discover their passions and grow into themselves, ready to sally forth into the world full of imagination and creativity, and being the best possible version of themselves they can be, each and every day.

When INFPs Feel Like They Don’t Fit In

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I’ve always wondered what it would be like to go to university, to go to lectures, like a normal person, on their way to good things in life, to have a group of laughing, fun friends, to go to sushi bars and eat lunch after lectures, study in the library, have drinking games and parties where you steal kisses in bedrooms and get drunk. Go to nightclubs and restaurants, go ice-skating and shopping, holidaying to fantastic places with a boyfriend and friends, have a wardrobe filled with trendy clothing and lots of high-heels, a collection of perfumes, go to work everyday at a well-paying position earned from years of hard work and studying. To be “normal”.

I’m certain this is a feeling experienced by many INFPs, this feeling that we are just too different, that we don’t fit in with everyone else, regardless of the group we’re with. Partly this is because our lives can be on the more unconventional side—in my case, I left school early and decided to pursue a career as a fiction writer while working part-time jobs and figuring out my life; but I know INFPs who went to university but couldn’t find a job in their field and became non-profit organisation workers, volunteering their time and working side jobs; or became painters and solo artists; or realised their true calling lay far from what the education system could provide—and partly because we are inherently a little unconventional. We’re creative, and we’re different—in the eyes of other people, that’s code-word for “weird”. Our thoughts are too creative, too out-there, otherworldly, we feel too much, think too much, the list goes on and on…

So we’re constantly on the outside, looking in. Even if we fake it, pretend we like what others like, sports and the latest fashion, and pretend we’re just as normal and conventional as they are, we can never keep the act up, it simply uses up far too much of our energy. So we smile, and pretend, to keep the peace, then retreat into our own inner worlds, where everything is fantastical and perfect.

I wish I had a solution for this problem, but I don’t. I think, in the end, we’re a little bit tragic, because of who we are, in that we’re destined to never feel as though someone (except for maybe another INFP) truly understands and knows us, because we’re so strange and complicated sometimes.

It would be best, I think, if we could create our own world, somewhere on a planet far from here. A world filled with libraries, and staircases running this way and that, and cats and cups of tea galore, where rain always patters gently against the windows and fireplaces flicker with light and we are free to be as weird and kooky as we want to be.

Our imaginations and creativity, however, are a gift. Everything has an opposite, a positive and a negative; if we didn’t feel different from other people, we wouldn’t possess any originality or creativity, and if we didn’t have our imaginations, we wouldn’t be INFPs at all. And as someone who regularly visits imaginary worlds as part of her calling, I feel as though it’s a fair trade-off. I’d rather be strange and isolated, than unoriginal and empty. Perhaps this is my 4w5 Enneagram surfacing, but I honestly feel this way, I really do. If you asked me to give up my creativity so I could be normal like everyone else, and live the “high-life”, I’d tell you to take your Faustian bargain elsewhere, thank you very much.

So, cheer up: it’s hard to feel like you never fit, and having to always pretend, but there’s a place for us, I know it is, and it exists within our minds, within our hearts and our imaginations. It exists in the world between worlds, where everything is full of magic and adventure, where we get to go on rip-roaring crusades on flying pirate ships and devour the moon. And that’s all that matters.

What Kind Of Love Stories Do INFPs Like?

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Well, considering how much of a romantic INFPs are, I wouldn’t blame you if you believed INFPs love the sappy, romantic stories, where the prince rescues a girl, or those love-hate stories where two people hate each other, the sexual tension building, until they finally fall in love, or even those stories, to be a little more unconventional, where the maiden manages to rescue the man, and they fall in love and live happily ever after, walking off into the sunset.

No. While those stories are all nice and good, you forget we are quite creative people, and turned off by the banal and unconventional. No, no and double nope: the stories that appeal to us, the love stories which get our hearts aflutter, and put a big, dreamy smile on ours faces, are the kind that are special, unique, and yes, sometimes a little strange. Oftentimes they have a twist to them, or are particularly pure and innocent. Without further ado, here is a list of the kind of love stories INFPs like.

  1. When the love story does not take the centre stage.

What? Yes, you heard me right. We actually like stories, oftentimes adventurous, fantasy ones, filled with magic and intrigue, where the love story isn’t actually the centrepiece of the novel or film. In other words, we like it when love isn’t a character almost in itself because of the importance it plays in the work of art, simply because it’s different and goes against the grain of the endless parade of books and films where the love between two characters is the reason the movie exists in the first place (take Titanic, or Twilight, for instance). Instead, there are films like Princess Mononoke by Hayao Miyazaki (I’ll be referencing him a lot in this post, simply because he is my favourite filmmaker, and, from my interactions with INFPs and endless trawling through INFP forums, one of the most beloved film-makers of INFPs), where the romance is completely overshadowed by the greater plot of a group of people trying to slay a forest god and destroy an entire ecosystem. This is because, for INFPs, romantic as we are, love actually doesn’t play a central role in our lives—more of a sweet, peripheral role, because we are full of dreams, hopes and desires completely unrelated to the search for a mate.

  1. When the love is innocent and pure.

Too often, love stories are about passion, lust and sex. The characters barely know one another, if they were put in a room together for 24 hours they would soon get sick of each other, but put them in a dangerous situation, or in a bedroom, and suddenly, clothes are flying off like feathers from a bird and they’re kissing and everything is happening. It’s a little bit too much for INFPs, if I’m going to be honest with you, a little too much and a little bit unrealistic. Instead, when the love is the enduring kind, where they don’t just fall in love over the course of a day, but grow to understand and learn about each other, seeing each other’s good sides and bad sides— that’s when we truly “fall in love” with the love story. INFPs, although daydreams, can be extraordinarily picky about accuracy and realism when it comes to the books and films we consume—I bet that’s something you didn’t know about us! While I can’t think off the top of my head of such a story—maybe the Sound of Music love story between Maria and Captain Von Trapp?—I do know that such love stories are definitely a favourite of mine and other INFPs.

  1. When the female protagonist is brave, good and strong.

There are so many weak female protagonists in fiction and films, it’s simply unbelievable—so many women who need to be rescued, who fall into the arms of a rich men and stay safe in the shelter of his wealth, so many “transformations” where the heroine turns from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan and the male lead suddenly falls in love with her, that it’s sickening. Do you know what men in real life are like? Most of them are not here to sweep us women off our feet, or buy us Chanel and Dior bags, or take the time to pay for expensive makeovers so that we can look more attractive—instead, they’ve got their own lives, their own problems, their own fears and worries and desires, just like you and me. They’re looking for a friend, someone to love and lean on, just as much as we are looking for those things. So it’s refreshing when a female protagonist in a love story is independent and strong. She doesn’t necessarily need to be a snarky, kick-ass protagonist—since when did strong equate with being extroverted?—but she must have a well of inner strength and power that makes her shine brighter than any glittery eyeshadow or sparkly blush ever could. Why do INFPs like such stories? Because we’re very strong people. Delicate on the outside, as hard as water on the inside (ever fall from a great height and smack onto a body of water? That’s as good as hitting a slab of concrete). We have to survive in a world that oftentimes doesn’t care about purity or morality, and somehow remain pure and moral in spite of that. We’re diamonds, darling, the un-cut kind, and we adore love stories where the female protagonists have an unbeatable gleam in their eye, and knows exactly how to sacrifice themselves to save the world.

  1. When the male love interest is a partner, an equal, not a shield or protector.

Us INFPs can protect ourselves. Because of our quiet and delicate natures, from an early age, we are often bullied, disparaged or taken advantage of. By the time we reach our adult years, we are in no way in the dark about the ugly sides of human nature or our own resilience and ability to withstand suffering. INFP women, if they’re mature, don’t need a man to shield them from the big, bad world. We know our own way through the woods. We don’t need (excuse me while I throw up) a shoulder to cry on and a good (and oftentimes muscular; if you read enough novels you’ll know what I mean) chest to lean on as we sob and cry, and for him to kiss away our tears and hold us close, like a fragile bird, and whisper, “I’ll always be here for you.” Bleurgh. Double bleurgh. We don’t need that. Maybe it comes from an unconscious distaste for the conventional, but us INFPs would feel so suffocated and unwell, to our very core, if that aforementioned scenario happened to us. Instead, we like love stories where the love interest doesn’t baby us, but instead is a good, solid friend almost, who gives us advice and believes in us and urges us to fight for our dreams. Not some male equivalent of a therapist and pillow in one.

  1. When the love story is funny.

Okay, so, yes, I don’t know many comedy-romance films or books, but surely there must be some out there, right? And yes, INFPs, we do need funny love stories in our lives because we’re so serious all the time. Seriously (ha, get what I did there?). INFPs are incredibly serious people: we take the environment seriously, we take our careers seriously, we take our passions seriously, we take our relationships seriously—heck, I even listen to music seriously, making sure I absorb the full sonic experience of every note properly, in the zone and in the moment, all the while imagining some film or book scene in my mind that fits the tune. Fact is, we need to lighten up sometimes, and there’s nothing that’s better for lifting one’s mood than a funny love story. You know, where the guy makes a fool of himself, or the girl goes through a wild and wacky series of events to find the love of her life. Many Korean and Chinese dramas are good at delivering these kinds of storylines. Point is, even though if you asked us, we’d say we didn’t like these love stories, we actually need these stories in our lives, which is why I put it on the list.

 

So there you go folks, a couple of types of love stories that INFPs love. Maybe next time you’re picking out a book or film for your INFP friend or significant other, you’ll keep some of these in mind as you make your choice. Of course, any love story, no matter how banal or bad, is better than no love story, or, worse, a horror movie, so feel free to give your INFP loved one whatever movie they like, as long as it’s fun, entertaining and imaginative. That’s all from me folks for today—see you in the next one!

Girls Bring The Boys Out!

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I’ve written quite a few posts on love and romance regarding the INFP personality type, but I haven’t really ever written anything about the INFP women themselves—in other words, while I’ve detailed what INFPs like or want in man, and the kinds of man they might marry, I haven’t yet talked about the kind of partners INFPs women will make. And a disclaimer: I apologise for writing from this only from an INFP woman’s standpoint, and not an INFP man’s point of view—that is because I am an INFP woman, and cannot comment on the romantic qualities of INFP men with accuracy. However, if you’re an INFP man and reading this, feel free to comment and let others know what qualities INFP men bring to a relationship! Second disclaimer: these thoughts and opinions are my own, based on my experiences and interactions with other INFPs and my in-depth understanding of myself; other INFPs may be different, and that’s okay, because we’re all unique. Now, without further ado, lets find what makes INFP women bring the boys out!

Well, to be honest with you, before I begin, the truth is, most INFP women are overlooked by men. Sure, we may be pretty, and lovely, and “sweet” (I loathe that word; I don’t like it when I’m referred to as “sweet”, it makes me feel so flimsy and powerless for some reason) and kind, but we often radiate a kind of “don’t-come-near-me” aura, or a “I’m-lost-in-the-clouds-and-can’t-see-you” type of personality aspect that makes men very wary to approach us (they’re intimidated, in short), and oftentimes, this is a smart move, because us INFPs, being sensitive, can be very particular about the appearance, personality and aura of the man we like. One wrong move, one wrong word or behaviour, or a certain lustful gleam in one’s eye, and we are out like a too-slow person in musical chairs. So finally, for real this time, without further do, these are the qualities INFPs can bring to a relationship, if you can manage to get to be with us (it’s not that we feel superior to men, it’s just that we’re very sensitive and picky and gentle creatures).

1. Intelligence.

We’re a very smart and intuitive bunch of people. That’s just a fact. So be prepared for someone who has the ability to occasionally read your mind, know when you’re telling a whooper, and can sense, with the accuracy and sensitivity of an otherworldly creature, if you’re cheating on us (or even thinking of cheating on us). Let me just put it out there: it’s not easy being with an INFP, because we will look deep into your soul, into the dark and light, and see whether we like what we see—or not, in which case, we will break up with you. Instantly. INFPs, once they’re mature and fully-evolved, never hold onto anything that is bad for them, or toxic. Take it from me. What’s more, we can tell, from a mile away, if you only love us for our appearance or for the opportunity to “get in our pants”, and such men we do not even revile, they’re so beneath our notice.

2. Possible disgust and contempt.

Did you hear me right? Disgust and contempt? INFPs bring disgust and contempt to a relationship? What in tarnation do you mean, Anne? Well, what I’m trying to say is, the slightest thing, since INFPs are so sensitive, can trigger disgust or contempt for a person in an INFP. Let me give you an example. I once dated a guy who decided that the best way to get me “sexually attracted” to him was to go on and on about how much money he was capable of earning. This rubbed me the wrong way. In fact, it made me feel physically ill: he was lecherous, and greedy, and money-grubbing, and all-round entirely horrible. Suffice to say, I didn’t like him very much, and soon broke off the engagement. Likewise, if we can tell that you’re not the type of person to risk yourself to save, for example, a child, or don’t have it in you to make the moral, good choice when the time comes (and trust me when I say we can tell, even if the situation never arises), then we’re not going to be interested in you. Period. In fact, no matter how rich or handsome you are, we will be turned off. INFPs are angelic and pure creatures—we’re the closest thing to a completely kind human being that exists on this planet, and if you don’t measure up to our barometers for purity, morality and kindness, if we so much as catch a whiff of poison or evil in you, then you’re out.

3. Devotion.

If it so happens that you’re attractive to us, both physically and mentally, that you’re kind and pure, and we happen to actually fall in love with you, and our heartstrings actually get entangled with your heartstrings, then, let’s face it, you might as well have made a loyal friend for life. I cannot stress this enough: once INFPs are in, we’re in. We are highly loyal creatures, and our love, the strength of our hearts, knows no bounds. We will be your life partner, we will stand by you, whether lightning or sunshine strikes the sky, and you will never, not on this entire earth, find someone more devoted or caring. This doesn’t mean we’ll be submissive or subservient—devotion doesn’t necessarily entail us being a doormat—but instead, it means, although we retain our independent lives and identities, our existence becomes irrevocably tied to yours, and we would, if necessary, give up our life for you.

4. Have a love for anything exciting or fun.

By “fun” we don’t mean clubbing and waking up with a hangover the next day, or visiting places all around the world; instead, what I’m talking about is the consumption of fiction. Reality is boring. Fantasy is where the good stuff is—where we enjoy ourselves the most, live lives we could have never dreamed of living, be people we could never possibly be in real life; and if, somehow, you share this love for excitement and fun, or better yet, if you provide it, by gifting us our favourite books or movies (without the intention of getting us to fall in love with you; INFPs are immune to bribery), then we’re pretty much going to like you very much. By gifting us books and movies in the genre we love, you are essentially giving us pieces of magic and showing you care and understand us, and if that isn’t swoon-worthy, then nothing is.

5. Be unique.

INFPs are special, in the truest sense of the word; we retain our childlike wonder, have fantasy worlds bursting inside our heads, love animals, are kind to a fault. We are special. Of course, all personality types are special in their own way, but there’s something unique about INFPs. We’re like butterflies: beautiful to behold, fragile to the touch, and incredibly sensitive. Without us, the world would be a much darker and boring place; in a way, we’re almost like creatures of light, dispelling darkness wherever we go. So, by the same token, it helps if you’re quite a creative and unique person yourself, such as a filmmaker, or a writer, or an artist, or a children’s book illustrator, or a painter, etc. Creative types tend to gravitate towards other creative types, because imaginations blossom when they’re closer to other imaginations; and if I had to marry someone, in an ideal world, it would be the illustrator of the pictures and front cover of my future books.

 

So that’s it, so far (I might make a part 2, depending on the reception of this post) of my list of things INFPs might bring to a potential relationship. It takes a special kind of person to love and be with an INFP, and oftentimes, INFP women never find someone who loves them as much as their father or brother loves or loved them. Although we are quite happy on our own, and find solace in being a part of the universe, it’s good to have someone around, to lean one’s head on someone’s shoulder and feel safe and protected. If you’re interested in an INFP women, keeps these 5 points about what INFPs bring to a relationship in mind, so that you’re properly prepared for and aware of what you’re really getting into.

An Update On This INFP’s Life

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I’m listening to the song “Strawberry Fields Forever” by The Beatles as I type this; it’s a very sad, trippy sort of song, and I can’t help but fall in love with its whimsical, mournful sound. In fact, it’s so distracting, I almost forgot what I was meant to write about in this post—an update on this INFP’s life. My life, my thoughts. How very interesting. Ah! Welcome to my silly, little world, dear friend, and may you find it a pleasant enough place. Continue reading

12 Life Tips For INFPs

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This post is courtesy of Louis, who wanted to read a blog post about INFP life stuff and tips. Thank you, Louis, for your suggestion, and if you would like to donate to my Patreon page, you can find it here, at http://www.patreon.com/dreamerrambling

Onto the blog post. Here is a list of 12 life tips for INFPs. While I have written quite a few lists over the years, I don’t think I’ve written one exclusively on tips for INFPs. So, here we go.

1. Carry a book around with you wherever you.

Not only is this a good idea for the average person, for an INFP, it is a must, as it means you can dive into a fantasy world wherever you go. Sounds pretty good to me.

2. Carry some lollies with you wherever you go.

Hear me out on this one. INFPs go through a lot of stress in life, whether it be a job interview or having to make an important, nerve-wracking call, and sometimes, after feeling so frazzled, you feel the need to give yourself a treat. This is where the lollies come in. Don’t chow down the whole bag—just give yourself one, because, as an INFP, you deserve it. It can be whatever kind of food you enjoy most, in an easy, accessible bag: chips, sweets, any sort of candy, you name it.

3. Try to reduce your daydreaming.

Now, I know this is a hard one, but I’ve found that it is better to daydream less about what your life could be like and spend more time in your actual life. Otherwise, you will miss most of your life as it reels past you, and, what’s more, most of the daydreams never come true—a handsome prince, riding out of the sunset, anyone?—so following this tip prevents you from suffering any disappointment.

4. Push yourself to go beyond your boundaries.

If it were up to us, we’d just spend our days at home all day long, indulging in our creative pursuits and films, movies and books. But that’s not how the real world works, and in this world, one has to work, to socialise, and put food on the table. Pushing yourself to do things, such as going shopping, or going for that job interview, will not only make you feel happier with life overall, because you feel more confident and able, but it’s a very good INFP habit to practise, as it means you will not stagnate.

5. Try to date.

Nerve-wracking as it is, INFPs are the type to yearn for a partner, so it is a good thing to go out there and join the dating scene. Whenever we are alone, or single, no matter how good the rest of our life is, some part of us feels a little lost and miserable. All of us need that one, special person in lives, and INFPs do more so than others sometimes—someone who can understand us, who wants to peel away the layers of our guarded personalities to the true treasure underneath. So, give it a try—what can you lose? My advice with dating, though, is to take it slow, be safe and never jump into things if you have a bad feeling about them. If you’re dating online, always make sure to meet in a public space.

6. Try to reduce the amount of public transport you take.

Sometimes, this isn’t possible, especially if you live far from your workplace, but it is a good idea to take less public transport, as it is something that can drain INFPs. The crammed carriages of a train, the busy commute—all of that isn’t conducive to an INFP’s happiness. So, try to walk, or even ride a bike; it’ll take a lot of the stress and anxiety that comes with commuting, and the close proximity with strangers, away.

7. Never be afraid to leave a bad situation.

This can be harder than it sounds, especially if the bad situation is a job, which you do not like. But I’m not just talking about a job you do not like here—I’m talking about a toxic situation, so, if it were a job, it would be one where you not only not like the work, but you are bullied and belittled every single day. Bad situations are absolutely psychologically soul-destroying for INFPs, and can take ages for us to recover from them, whether it be a situation where you are being bullied, or a job you loathe so much just the thought of going to work for another day makes you want to melt into a puddle of despair on the floor and never get up. Whenever a situation makes you feel like that, you know it’s time to leave it.

8. Reach out to other INFPs.

Whether in real life, or through the internet (actually, through the internet is more likely), it’s always a good idea to find other like-minded people, so if you can somehow communicate with INFPs, such as in a forum or through an email correspondence, you can find it does wonders for your mental health. As INFPs, we can understand each other on a level sometimes other people can’t, and relate to each other, help each other, and give personalised advice that can strike us to the core.

9. Depression is often common amongst INFPs, and that’s because we have a habit of mulling over things too much.

We get inside our heads, and never come out of them. One of the best ways to beat depression is to keep yourself busy, whether that’s with work, or job searching, or interviews, or friends and family, creative pursuits, etc. An INFP that has nothing to do is more likely to get depressed.

10. Have a safe haven.

This almost goes without saying, but every INFP needs their own bedroom, or couch, or a special place where they can relax and unwind. We need this because we often find our jobs and the outside world quite stressful. In fact, scratch that: the outside world and our jobs, since they are both stimulating, is extremely stressful, and if we didn’t have our own room to go back to at the end of the day, to recharge and rejuvenate, we would go mad. So, a safe haven is a must.

11. Try to be involved in your creative pursuits on a daily basis.

Sometimes, INFPs, especially if they don’t work in a creative job, neglect the creative side of themselves, and this can be a big mistake. Creativity is a natural aspect of our personality type, and when we are allowed to flourish creatively, we feel more whole as a person. Whether it’s writing, dancing, singing, drawing, painting, or even just doodling, try to incorporate it as part of your daily routine, so you always have a creative outlet.

12. Make friends who do not drain you.

You know very well the type of people who drain your energy instead of give it. They are loud, boisterous, and all they do, taking advantage of your kind, giving and calm nature, is offload all their problems onto you, or jabber about themselves all day long. Let go of these people, and make friends who are a little more staid, who listen to and care about you, and provide a kind of haven from the rest of the world instead of someone that buffets the storm that is life even further.

Look out for a Part 2!

Another Melancholy Ramble (And A Thank-You)

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I have been listen to Sufjan Stevens a lot recently, particularly his song “The Only Thing” and “Fourth of July”. There is such a melancholy air about his songs, and it makes evenings rather strange and magical. Such is the transformative power of music.

Less depressed. In case you were wondering, I am a little less depressed than I was before. I’ve been re-reading a paragraph or two of the book I sent in, and, honestly, it’s not half-bad. If it weren’t missing a huge chunk right in the middle of it, which I sent to publishers without realising its existence, the book may be half-decent.

Enough. I’ve been talking about the book I sent in to publishers far too much recently. I can’t help feel as though my life is going nowhere. As a child, I always expected life to be filled with magic. I expected—I don’t know. Something different from the life of adulthood people all over the world lead, a life spent on work, going on holidays, eating out, hanging out with family and friends, buying a house and pets. All the normal, ordinary things—well, they just don’t cut it for me. I always wanted to be a writer, to see my books published, and to daydream and dance and sing forever and ever, with a beautiful husband and living in a house that was rather like a tiny world of books and cats. Spending my days imagining things, through writing. Visiting caves filled with fireflies, drinking in the magic of the world. And yet, here I am, unemployed, with no book contract in sight, very little money, few friends, few family members, and no handsome man in sight. It’s all very disappointing, and I hope, sincerely, that I do come across as arrogant or spoilt when I say all of this.

I am not an entirely unhappy soul, but I am a disappointed one. Everyone else seems to find life satisfying as it is, but, I’ve always wanted for adventures to happen, rather like those in movies. I want to save a planet from an alien species. I want to hunt for treasure, with a band of pirates, and fall in the love with the greatest buccaneer that there is. I want to go wandering in a midnight garden, dewdrops on all the flowers, and meet my Prince Charming, underneath an apple tree. Don’t you think? I guess that’s why we have films and movies: so the magical things we wish would happen end up doing so, but only on the silver screen. I’d like to think life will work itself out one day, like a piece of crumpled paper that gets flattened. I hope, wherever you are, that your life works its kinks out, and becomes the kind of life you always hoped to have. Life is too short not to try and live the life you want to lead, even if there is risk of failure if you walk off the beaten path.

I will get published one day, I make a promise to you. Once I put it in writing, it’s bound to happen—isn’t that how these things work? I am smiling. No. I don’t know. This life is just so interesting and horrible, all at once, I can’t even begin to grasp it with words. I feel elated after listening to a song that reminds me of a period of my life, then crushingly disappointed when I read a paragraph of one of my own books, then bored at the job agency I attend everyday, sick of taking medication for my mental illness (Anxiety and Depression), and then, in the comfort and quietness of God, silently happy again. It seems that, as I’ve grown older, I’ve only become more confused.

I hope these rambles aren’t boring for you. I can just imagine someone out there reading this, someone who is like me, who grapples and struggles with these same issues, feeling as though they’ve found a kindred spirit. It’s good, I think, to post regularly, because then I become a regular, human voice, speaking to you through the screen, bringing a little interest and comfort to the world. At least, that’s how I like to think of it. All I know is, if I were ever to stumble upon rambles like these, I would find them interesting and be greatly comforted—so, who knows, maybe there are others like me, out there. I know there are. Just by reading and replying to all of your comments, I know my words have resonated with you.

Thank you for always being there for me, especially those who take the time to write comments, providing words of solace, comfort and advice, it’s truly means the world to me. When I started this blog, I had no idea it would grow into a kind of small community, of dreamers and misfits, I really didn’t. Well. What else is there to talk about? I’m just in a very quiet, melancholy sort of mood. I get the feeling that if I posted my book online, on my blog, so many people would enjoy it—but then, I would no longer be able to get it published, because it would have already been made public. I’ve written a good book this time, and I desperately hope publishers will pick it up, I really do. Here’s to another lonely evening, spent watching romantic Hallmark movies. Here’s to living, and dreaming and loving. Here’s to books. Here’s to you, for following me on this journey.